Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No real advice, but...

Who doesn't love watching that little flower girl dancing the night away? Little nieces and nephews dancing and laughing and smiling at family weddings is a joy! Whoever's pulling the strings in your BIL's relationship has a real stick up their butt.

You might see it that way, but really, other people might not want cranky, overtired, impatient 3yr, 6yr and 10yr old kids at an adult party where there are literally no other children.

That might describe a 3 yo, but those are not usually problems with 6 yos and 10 yos. Those ages love weddings, are really excited by things like cake-cutting, first dances, etc. They will be the most enthusiastic guests at the wedding. I think it is really petty of them not to even allow them for a hour just to see, as OP suggested as a compromise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would be pissed as hell as well. That's insane. There is no reason why they couldn't be at the reception for an hour or so. I would think the older kids will be incredibly hurt.

Now then, what to do about it. Your choices are:
1) Have the kids skip the whole thing and just stay home
2) Suck it up and just do what is asked
3) All of you skip wedding all together
4) Press bride and groom to include kids in reception

I think you wind up with the least amount of drama by just sucking it up, sadly.

You don't suck up anything that involves your kids, a stranger sitter (stranger to all, very different from your grandma's college neighbor), and a hotel in another country.

Sorry.

Safety of the kids comes first.

OP has already said that the kids would be with a sitter for the majority of the reception.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No real advice, but...

Who doesn't love watching that little flower girl dancing the night away? Little nieces and nephews dancing and laughing and smiling at family weddings is a joy! Whoever's pulling the strings in your BIL's relationship has a real stick up their butt.

Not everyone likes your little kids running around underfoot. Sorry to break it to you.

PP here - Mine are all grown up, but having just returned from an expensive destination wedding where this very scenario played out, the bride's three nephews did not ruin the party. At the appropriate hour, the dad took the kids upstairs to the sitter, and the party went on just fine. I don't think the OP's BIL and the bride are being mean - they're just clueless. Someone needs to talk some sense into them that there are bigger things about which to be concerned in life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, nobody else is bringing children at all, correct? I can see your BIL's side of this. He envisions the reception as an adults only celebration, drinking, dancing etc. and not really suitable for kids. It feels like a personal slight to you because your kids are the only ones attending and so are the only ones disinvited from the reception, but I doubt that is the way it was intended. It sounds like he has made a pretty good effort to include your kids and just wants the one thing to be adults only.

If that is what you envision then you don't include the kids in any part of your overpriced destination wedding.

How selfish.

I expect that the kids were invited to be in the wedding to appease OP and OP's spouse, not because the couple is just dying to have them in their wedding party. They can certainly decline the invitation. I would personally not drag my 3 year old to a destination wedding for anyone.

Anonymous wrote:OP I would be pissed as hell as well. That's insane. There is no reason why they couldn't be at the reception for an hour or so. I would think the older kids will be incredibly hurt.

Now then, what to do about it. Your choices are:
1) Have the kids skip the whole thing and just stay home
2) Suck it up and just do what is asked
3) All of you skip wedding all together
4) Press bride and groom to include kids in reception

I think you wind up with the least amount of drama by just sucking it up, sadly.

You don't suck up anything that involves your kids, a stranger sitter (stranger to all, very different from your grandma's college neighbor), and a hotel in another country.

Sorry.

Safety of the kids comes first.

At my sister's destination wedding, my kids were the flower children. They were invited to the reception but were the only kids there. They did go and ate a little bit of dinner and danced for a song or two, but my husband quickly took them to the room for the night because it was quite late for them. I stayed because it was my sister's wedding. I think this is the best way to do it. They won't miss the reception much if they can have a nice room service dinner in the room. I think you'll be more upset than they will to miss it.

Anonymous wrote:So, nobody else is bringing children at all, correct? I can see your BIL's side of this. He envisions the reception as an adults only celebration, drinking, dancing etc. and not really suitable for kids. It feels like a personal slight to you because your kids are the only ones attending and so are the only ones disinvited from the reception, but I doubt that is the way it was intended. It sounds like he has made a pretty good effort to include your kids and just wants the one thing to be adults only.

If that is what you envision then you don't include the kids in any part of your overpriced destination wedding.

How selfish.

Anonymous wrote:No real advice, but...

Who doesn't love watching that little flower girl dancing the night away? Little nieces and nephews dancing and laughing and smiling at family weddings is a joy! Whoever's pulling the strings in your BIL's relationship has a real stick up their butt.

Not everyone likes your little kids running around underfoot. Sorry to break it to you.

Anonymous wrote:No real advice, but...

Who doesn't love watching that little flower girl dancing the night away? Little nieces and nephews dancing and laughing and smiling at family weddings is a joy! Whoever's pulling the strings in your BIL's relationship has a real stick up their butt.

You might see it that way, but really, other people might not want cranky, overtired, impatient 3yr, 6yr and 10yr old kids at an adult party where there are literally no other children.

Anonymous wrote:Oh, that stinks, OP. Sorry. You say that they are paying for it themselves so it sounds like money might be an issue. Is there anyway you could volunteer to pay the food cost for the oldest two? When your DH asks, be sure he says that they will be with the sitter most of the time but that you want to run up and get them to come dance and have cake for an hour or so.

People who spend six figures on a destination wedding, are not worried about the meal costs of 3 little girls. Also, OP already asked if they could come in for an hour and the answer was no.

Anonymous wrote:Is it a financial hardship for you to attend? Then either don't go, or just send your husband. This is FINE.

Is it not a financial hardship and you're just upset about the reception non-invite? Then think ahead: in 10 years, would you rather be a little salty about an event where your kids only participated in 50% of it, or would you rather not have gone and made your point? If you choose the former, make sure you don't tell your kids they are missing a big party, and make it sound like they are having a grand old time at the other festivities. Honestly, they won't know a big difference and you can tell them they're gonna go swim with a sitter while you go to boring grown-up stuff.

It's rude, but who gets to go to the reception is not in your hands anymore. You just have to make a decision about what you'll participate in.

^ You know what? I just read that your girls are 3, 6, and 10. I have a 9 yo and he and I would be pretty hurt if this happened. Two of your kids are old enough to understand wedding = cake and be sad (the 10 yo actually hurt) if they are not present. So I'd have you or your DH present it to BIL one more time in those terms: "Hey BIL, we have a really awkward situation here and I don't want to bother you, but I'm just gonna come out with it. Our oldest two girls, and the oldest in particular, understands what weddings are and knowing her, she is going to be really hurt if she is not allowed to come to the reception at all. Is is possible to have them sit through dinner, or just come for cake? I hope you would consider this. We can pay for them or for a sitter to accompany them. If not, we respect your wishes, but I might have to go spend the evening with them to soften the blow. Again, sorry to bother you with something that must seem small but it's not that small to the kids or us. Let me know."

I think people are allowed to have adults-only weddings, and people are allowed to have weddings where kids are invited to some things and not others. People are even allowed to do all of that at a destination wedding.

However, people are not allowed to tell you about those things after you've already accepted the wedding invitation, let alone made arrangements, let alone got your kids involved in the wedding logistics and planning.

I have kids and I'd be furious in your situation, although I'd be totally okay with it if it was an adults-only wedding (or parts of it) and those things were clearly communicated when I received the invitation.

Given that you've already spent money, and you have to get a sitter anyway, I think you just need to suck it up. And who knows, if they see your kids being super well behaved, they may even invite them to attend the first hour of the party (e.g. before everyone gets drunk and inappropriate).

Can you ask someone from your side of the family to come stay with the kids while you travel for the wedding? Like your parents or a sibling?

Is it a financial hardship for you to attend? Then either don't go, or just send your husband. This is FINE.

Is it not a financial hardship and you're just upset about the reception non-invite? Then think ahead: in 10 years, would you rather be a little salty about an event where your kids only participated in 50% of it, or would you rather not have gone and made your point? If you choose the former, make sure you don't tell your kids they are missing a big party, and make it sound like they are having a grand old time at the other festivities. Honestly, they won't know a big difference and you can tell them they're gonna go swim with a sitter while you go to boring grown-up stuff.

It's rude, but who gets to go to the reception is not in your hands anymore. You just have to make a decision about what you'll participate in.

No real advice, but...

Who doesn't love watching that little flower girl dancing the night away? Little nieces and nephews dancing and laughing and smiling at family weddings is a joy! Whoever's pulling the strings in your BIL's relationship has a real stick up their butt.