Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, honestly I've never had a really strong libido and even pre-kids 1x/week was enough for me. (And DH knew this.) Does that mean I should not have gotten married (to anyone)? Don't people vary a lot in their sex drive?

Maybe but a partner being uninterested in sex is perfectly acceptable reason for the other partner (male OR female) to step out. First to separate bedrooms, then 'I need a work apartment for the long hours', then trial separation, then divorce.

To be perfectly honest - if you're not going to have sex with someone why tie them down for 20 years?

DH and I have a very active sex life, but we aren’t “tied down” just to have sex. Nor do we view regular sex with each other as compensation for being “tied down”. We love each other. We get each other’s humor. Have each other’s back. There’s medical stuff that could happen tomorrow that would put an end to our bedroom shenanigans. It wouldn’t change the rest.

Just focusing on the sleeping part of things I think your DH is being silly. My DH and I sleep separately because we both snore and drive each other nuts with it. We don’t advertise it though because people might think it was weird or a sign of marital trouble. In our case we are very happy and our bedroom is still OUR room but we have an extra bed in our home office and one of us will go sleep in there when they go to sleep. It’s really just for sleeping. Neither of us like to snuggle while actually trying to sleep unless it’s for a nap or something so it’s not much different except we don’t hear each other snore.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, honestly I've never had a really strong libido and even pre-kids 1x/week was enough for me. (And DH knew this.) Does that mean I should not have gotten married (to anyone)? Don't people vary a lot in their sex drive?

Maybe but a partner being uninterested in sex is perfectly acceptable reason for the other partner (male OR female) to step out. First to separate bedrooms, then 'I need a work apartment for the long hours', then trial separation, then divorce.

To be perfectly honest - if you're not going to have sex with someone why tie them down for 20 years?

I think that women with low sex drives who marry men that they expect to be sexually monogamous ought to have sex more often than their libido commands.. in other words, have it when it's mostly for his pleasure

Besides, libido determines how often people want sex out of the blue, but many times once things get going you can realize you actually are going to enjoy it

OP here, honestly I've never had a really strong libido and even pre-kids 1x/week was enough for me. (And DH knew this.) Does that mean I should not have gotten married (to anyone)? Don't people vary a lot in their sex drive?

Anonymous wrote:If you're sleeping alone and having sex, 1 or 2 times in 30 days - why even get married in the first place?

But this sounds Perfect for most women! But you can see why her DH wants to divorce, I certainly would.

DW and I sleep in different rooms, that's no problem at all.
We do typically lay together every night, and I rub her shoulders or feet to help her relax, or we just talk.
We do have sex 1-2x per week though, I think that is your DH real issue. He's seeing different rooms as the reason you are not having sex

Anonymous wrote:OP here. In fact I do retreat to bed around 9 to read, but this is part of my sleep hygiene efforts to sleep better. It's pretty basic advice for someone with insomnia.

I appreciate the various viewpoints here, including the ones recommending more sex and cuddling. It's hard to be into sex when you are constantly sleep deprived, but I can put more effort into it.

I mean....would you want to be married to someone who shows you affection maybe 1-2 times a month? Have you tried melatonin? You honestly don’t sound like you really want to work on this issue. I can’t imagine not having some closeness and cuddle time very frequently with my DH. Are you in love with your husband?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you

suck

Sorry, had problems with my phone when I started this message but wanted to make sure to finish it

Having sex, cuddling with him until he is sleepy and then switching beds would be much better than basically living separate lives where you go to your room at 8pm to read a book away from him

Where did OP ever say above that she retreated to her room "at 8 p.m. to read a book away from him"? That's pretty specific, PP.

Projecting, maybe?

Where did she say that she retreats into her room at all? Maybe she does stay with him until she's actually ready to sleep. Maybe she doesn't. We don't know yet.

So you made a special effort to come back a second time to be ugly to her. Helpful.

I was reiterating what this poster said:

Increase the frequency of sex and his fears might vanish. Also, be sure to cuddle each night even if no sex and don’t go to your bedroom until you are actually falling asleep. Don’t go there and read, watch tv, or futz around on your phone.

And yes, op just came in to say she does pretty much do that.

Not trying to be mean, but women/wives need to understand that men/husbands put a high priority on being able to sleep in the same bed and you shouldn't give up on the idea so easily.

If you're sleeping alone and having sex, 1 or 2 times in 30 days - why even get married in the first place?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you

suck

Sorry, had problems with my phone when I started this message but wanted to make sure to finish it

Having sex, cuddling with him until he is sleepy and then switching beds would be much better than basically living separate lives where you go to your room at 8pm to read a book away from him

Where did OP ever say above that she retreated to her room "at 8 p.m. to read a book away from him"? That's pretty specific, PP.

Projecting, maybe?

Where did she say that she retreats into her room at all? Maybe she does stay with him until she's actually ready to sleep. Maybe she doesn't. We don't know yet.

So you made a special effort to come back a second time to be ugly to her. Helpful.

LOL...that is what I was thinking. The PP is so dramatic and imaginative.

OP here. In fact I do retreat to bed around 9 to read, but this is part of my sleep hygiene efforts to sleep better. It's pretty basic advice for someone with insomnia.

I appreciate the various viewpoints here, including the ones recommending more sex and cuddling. It's hard to be into sex when you are constantly sleep deprived, but I can put more effort into it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you

suck

Sorry, had problems with my phone when I started this message but wanted to make sure to finish it

Having sex, cuddling with him until he is sleepy and then switching beds would be much better than basically living separate lives where you go to your room at 8pm to read a book away from him

Where did OP ever say above that she retreated to her room "at 8 p.m. to read a book away from him"? That's pretty specific, PP.

Projecting, maybe?

Where did she say that she retreats into her room at all? Maybe she does stay with him until she's actually ready to sleep. Maybe she doesn't. We don't know yet.

So you made a special effort to come back a second time to be ugly to her. Helpful.

Anonymous wrote:Op as a husband of a light sleeper I'm judging you harshly for thinking about divorce over this.

Try ear plugs, try different blankets, try putting pillows between you after he falls asleep, try sleeping apart only on certain nights

NP. Seriously, f* you and your judgment. You obviously have no idea what real insomnia is like. It's not a couple nights of restless sleep because your blanket is too light or too heavy. Not getting enough sleep affects your health and quality of life the same way a chronic illness can. OP didn't say she was thinking of divorce, she said her husband was acting like it was a reason for divorce. Frankly, he sounds like a selfish baby.

OP treating your insomnia will be worthwhile whether or not it results in you sleeping in the same bed as your husband. I suggest you start there, with a therapist who specializes in sleep disorders and who can refer you to a doc to discuss meds as the two of you think is necessary. Once you are sleeping better and have a clearer head, you can start thinking about if their are modifications you can make to share a room with your husband again. And in the meantime he can decide how he wants to support you as you work on your medical condition of insomnia.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you

suck

Sorry, had problems with my phone when I started this message but wanted to make sure to finish it

Having sex, cuddling with him until he is sleepy and then switching beds would be much better than basically living separate lives where you go to your room at 8pm to read a book away from him