Op should not compromise on desire to have kids. That's a hard line. He should compromise on 4 kids or else date someone younger who definitely wants a lot of kids.

His gf needs to be honest. If she doesn't want kids, she needs to end it....

It's also possible that she is trying to tell you she's unsure about the relationship altogether, and is using kids as a medium for doing it.

Moving in together is a big step. You learn things about another person that take some adjusting. They are gross in the bathroom, or like the air conditioning too cold, or leave crumbs in the fridge, or never turn off the tv, or whatever. She might be dealing with the reality of sharing space with another human being by saying she's having doubts about children.

I don't know what you can do about it. Maybe suggest you both give it a month to think about things, checking in along the way, then schedule a big heart to heart where you can decide what you are going to do moving forward?

Anonymous wrote:Every guy that I know who wanted 3-4 kids before he got married wanted to stop at 1 after they had a kid. Men aren't exposed to how hard it actually is until they're in the trenches, where women talk to each other about what a drain it can be. She's at the age where her friends are starting to have kids, this is why she's thinking about it very carefully (and you're still thinking you want 4 ASAP because it's a fuzzy but lovely picture you've carried around in your wallet for a decade).

If she doesn't want any, that may be a dealbreaker. But she might be reacting to your (very high for this area, and for your age) number by staking out a much lower number as a negotiation tactic.

+1

4 kids is hard AF

Signed, mom of three which is plenty hard

Ok 1. 3-4 kids is a lot of kids. You need to think about her. She’s in her early 30s and unless you have kids back to back, the idea of 4 kids might not happen. You might also find yourself with 1 or 2 and not want any more. However, she’s saying she doesn’t want kids, but it’s not a hard no? That’s really confusing and annoying so she needs to figure out what she wants because it seems she’s unsure if she wants to make that sacrifice. You need to ask yourself why you want to have kids. If you can think of really good reasons then maybe reconsider your relationship with her, otherwise if you love her then maybe that’s something you’ll sacrifice? Also, why All of a sudden is she unsure m? Did something happen to make her rethink?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her (i) you won't marry her til she's 6 months pregnant and (ii) she has to get pregnant in the next 4 months. Otherwise walk. Your life is too short to waste your time with her. (Nothing wrong with her, mind you; she's just wrong for you.)

Are you a fertility expert?

Yes, in fact I am. I'm sure I've fertilized more women than you have.

How long have you been together?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the classic bait and switch done in some relationships. Listen to what she is telling you about how she believes she should manage your relationship. Some people believe that they should tell you what you want to hear, and then do differently when they hook you.

I would not compromise on this and would not marry her.

It happens in many marriages. Ranging from kids, money to staying faithful. Many do the bait and switch.

Yep, and its still not right.

3-4 starting in your almost mid-30's is crazy and if you laid this on her you made a big mistake. You'd better find a way to back track real fast and get both of you on the same page.

Anonymous wrote:Tell her (i) you won't marry her til she's 6 months pregnant and (ii) she has to get pregnant in the next 4 months. Otherwise walk. Your life is too short to waste your time with her. (Nothing wrong with her, mind you; she's just wrong for you.)

Are you a fertility expert?

Anonymous wrote:This is the classic bait and switch done in some relationships. Listen to what she is telling you about how she believes she should manage your relationship. Some people believe that they should tell you what you want to hear, and then do differently when they hook you.

I would not compromise on this and would not marry her.

It happens in many marriages. Ranging from kids, money to staying faithful. Many do the bait and switch.

Anonymous wrote:You probably scared her off with the 3-4 kids wish.

This is what I think. My partner and I are on basically the same page with the idea of two, maybe backtracking to one if that seems like all we can handle. If he sprung the idea on me that he wouldn't feel a family was complete without three to four and was pretty adamant about it, I would be really freaked out and might walk. As the PP said, that's basically back to back pregnancies in my 30s and a very, very high chance my career would take a major hit I would not be comfortable with. Luckily, he is one of five and doesn't idealize larger families at ALL, so that's unlikely. But I can totally see why she would start towing the "maybe none" thing if she thinks your fixed on a higher number.

You shouldn't marry her and you should start dating younger girls. If you date your age by the time you find someone to date, date long enough to get engaged, then get married it will be too late for her to have 3-4 kids.

You probably scared her off with the 3-4 kids wish.

My guess is your gf would be fine with 1-2 kids but is feeling pressure from you to have more, so she's now unsure if she wants any at all. Dude, 4 kids is a LOT. Especially for women. Since she's 32, to have 4 kids she'd have to have them back-to-back, which will take an enormous toll on her body and career. She also knows she'll get stuck with the majority of the childcare, regardless of whether she works or not. She's probably feeling like you want a breed mare, not a partner.

Also, fewer kids with the right person is way better than an entire army of kids with the wrong person.

This is the classic bait and switch done in some relationships. Listen to what she is telling you about how she believes she should manage your relationship. Some people believe that they should tell you what you want to hear, and then do differently when they hook you.

I would not compromise on this and would not marry her.