I’m a 47 year old mother with a peanut allergy and ADHD. Growing up in the 70’s, no one took my allergy seriously; not even my parents. They kept peanut butter in the house. I kept having to remind my mother not to kiss me if she had even eating her mixed nuts. I don’t think I was even aware that it could kill me until I was a teenager, and I had to ask for an Epi Pen myself when I got to college. Which is a good thing, vbecause I had my first anaphylactic reaction in college.

It’s still a struggle to remember. When I switch from a purse to a backpack for a casual event, at least 1/4 times I forget the EpiPen. Just last month, I was at a coworker’s dinner party and was literally chewing my first mouthful of pulled chicken before thinking to ask if there could have been peanuts in the BBQ sauce. I’m not only protecting my life, I’m responsible for raising my child, and I STILL can’t always remember, especially if I am stressed and overwhelmed.

That said, I am 100% responsible for my own allergy. And your 13 year old needs to be, too. But I am lucky that part of advocating for myself has been to surround myself with friends and loved ones who are aware and are vigilant for me, too. I don’t hold them responsible but wow and I’m grateful when my husband reminds me about my EpiPen or a friend assured me about something being nut-free ahead of time.

You need to put this more in your son. And he needs to know for sure, bluntly, that his dad is not reliable and will not keep him safe from nuts. You still need to step in and model for him sometimes, yes, and keep reminding. But have it be in him. Have him earn privileges based in his reliability and remembering his epi pen (like, if he remembers it X many times, he earns a sleepover or a later curfew...if he forgets it, he shows he can’t be trusted with additional responsibilities and privileges.)

I 100% agree that it’s time to get your son to handle things more responsibly. I don’t even begin to understand why your DH is getting let off the hook here. I would be violently angry for days. Maybe longer. Why is OP supposed to contribute to keeping her son alive, but DH has no responsibility?

At a bare minimum, if he’s too stupid to think, or exercise any kind of judgement, he should be able to learn that he’s an idiot and cannot be allowed to give DS any food.

Here are some links.

This is why your teen needs to lear. never take food from anyone without verifying the labels himself.

http://m.newser.com/story/213458/teen-dies-after-eating-peanut-butter-smore.html

https://www.google.com/amp/amp.kcra.com/article/mom-of-peanut-allergy-victim-her-last-words-were-i-m-sorry/6407404

https://www.allergicliving.com/2017/07/28/teen-who-turned-life-around-dies-of-severe-allergic-reaction-to-tree-nuts/


https://www.google.com/amp/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5195505/amp/Nut-allergy-teen-died-leaving-EpiPen-home.html

It happens over and over with teenagers not checking labels, taking someone's word that the product is nut free, or not carrying their epipen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree that OP's son needs to be responsible for his allergy, at the same time, that's no excuse for his father not to help with reinforcing the responsibility. The father should be modeling the right behavior for his son and that he isn't is beyond ridiculous. 13 year olds may still need some coaching and reinforcement, especially when their lives are at stake! OP's husband is an ass.

OP here.

Thank you for articulating what I feel. I'm guessing a couple of PPs before you don't realize that a 13 year old is still young and immature. My son has inattentive ADHD and while he has taken temporary responsibility for himself when he knows he's on his own, like at a birthday party, it's easier for him to rely on us when we're together, because the ADHD makes it hard for him to focus and multitask.

I find it just too sad for words that I have to protect him from his own father and tell him: "Remember to ask Dad whether there are any nuts when he hands you food." It's not even food DS grabs for himself - he would remember to ask in that situation. Sigh.

I'm a middle school teacher who has previously posted. At 13, this is your son's responsibility. He should not be relying on anyone else, including you, to ask about the ingredients in the foods he eats. Certainly he can ask you clarifying questions (Mom, are sesame seeds nuts?) but he should know to ask EVERY SINGLE TIME. It is absurd that you are saying you need "to protect him from his own father" like his father was abusing him or something.

YES!

I agree 100% with the teacher.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree that OP's son needs to be responsible for his allergy, at the same time, that's no excuse for his father not to help with reinforcing the responsibility. The father should be modeling the right behavior for his son and that he isn't is beyond ridiculous. 13 year olds may still need some coaching and reinforcement, especially when their lives are at stake! OP's husband is an ass.

OP here.

Thank you for articulating what I feel. I'm guessing a couple of PPs before you don't realize that a 13 year old is still young and immature. My son has inattentive ADHD and while he has taken temporary responsibility for himself when he knows he's on his own, like at a birthday party, it's easier for him to rely on us when we're together, because the ADHD makes it hard for him to focus and multitask.

I find it just too sad for words that I have to protect him from his own father and tell him: "Remember to ask Dad whether there are any nuts when he hands you food." It's not even food DS grabs for himself - he would remember to ask in that situation. Sigh.

Completely agree. Surprised that so many PPs completely missed the mark on this one. Sounds like your husband is unwilling to take any responsibility for basic food safety for your son. I'm really not sure I could live with that.

I do not think you have a teenager with an anaphylactic allergy.

It is dead serious that this 13 year old starts taking responsibility for what he puts into his mouth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here.

Thank you all.

I am still very angry at my husband, despite your cooling words. I feel strongly he should take this more seriously. He never reminds my son about his allergies, probably doesn't remember where the epipen is, and would never think of taking it with him, or remind DS to carry one. It makes me furious that he takes this allergy so lightly.

However, you are right, this is the impetus for my son to take charge.

Your son is a teenager. This is on him.

Ridiculous. Would you say the same thing if the dad was handing him a joint? You'd think a father who had a functioning brain could/would refrain from handing his kid baklava.

The 13 year old is closer to living on his own, drinking and having sex than he is to being kindergarten. He is going to on his own driving, out with friends, and making a lot of decisions and bad choices on his own.

He absolutely must own the responsibility for his allergy.

If he doesn't figure this out in a year or two, he is going to be in big trouble.

A 13 year old with allergies should know never to eat from unlabeled samples or a buffet type food situation, even if mom or dad absentmindedly hands the food to him. He is old enough to take charge of this. If he cannot do this with his parents, what do you think is going to happen when a pretty girl hands him a smore at the back to school bonfire (a teen boy died a few years back in this exact scenario, taking her word that the food was safe) or when a counselor tells him the brownies are safe (a teen girl died in her parent's arm after taking a bite of a contaminated treat that she thought was safe due to an adult telling her it was).

Get offended if you must, but you are wrong to lay this on dad.

A 13 year old with an anaphylactic allergy must know how to say no, even to mom or dad. His life depends on this.

I say this as a mom of a teenager with an anaphylactic allergy.

In the case of that teen girl a few years back, her parents did epi her... I believe twice...but it was too late.

I cannot stress how important it is for your kid to know his own role in managing his allergy, ADHD is no excuse for such carelessness. It can't be and you need to make this clear to him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here.

Thank you all.

I am still very angry at my husband, despite your cooling words. I feel strongly he should take this more seriously. He never reminds my son about his allergies, probably doesn't remember where the epipen is, and would never think of taking it with him, or remind DS to carry one. It makes me furious that he takes this allergy so lightly.

However, you are right, this is the impetus for my son to take charge.

Your son is a teenager. This is on him.

Ridiculous. Would you say the same thing if the dad was handing him a joint? You'd think a father who had a functioning brain could/would refrain from handing his kid baklava.

The 13 year old is closer to living on his own, drinking and having sex than he is to being kindergarten. He is going to on his own driving, out with friends, and making a lot of decisions and bad choices on his own.

He absolutely must own the responsibility for his allergy.

If he doesn't figure this out in a year or two, he is going to be in big trouble.

A 13 year old with allergies should know never to eat from unlabeled samples or a buffet type food situation, even if mom or dad absentmindedly hands the food to him. He is old enough to take charge of this. If he cannot do this with his parents, what do you think is going to happen when a pretty girl hands him a smore at the back to school bonfire (a teen boy died a few years back in this exact scenario, taking her word that the food was safe) or when a counselor tells him the brownies are safe (a teen girl died in her parent's arm after taking a bite of a contaminated treat that she thought was safe due to an adult telling her it was).

Get offended if you must, but you are wrong to lay this on dad.

A 13 year old with an anaphylactic allergy must know how to say no, even to mom or dad. His life depends on this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree that OP's son needs to be responsible for his allergy, at the same time, that's no excuse for his father not to help with reinforcing the responsibility. The father should be modeling the right behavior for his son and that he isn't is beyond ridiculous. 13 year olds may still need some coaching and reinforcement, especially when their lives are at stake! OP's husband is an ass.

OP here.

Thank you for articulating what I feel. I'm guessing a couple of PPs before you don't realize that a 13 year old is still young and immature. My son has inattentive ADHD and while he has taken temporary responsibility for himself when he knows he's on his own, like at a birthday party, it's easier for him to rely on us when we're together, because the ADHD makes it hard for him to focus and multitask.

I find it just too sad for words that I have to protect him from his own father and tell him: "Remember to ask Dad whether there are any nuts when he hands you food." It's not even food DS grabs for himself - he would remember to ask in that situation. Sigh.

I'm a middle school teacher who has previously posted. At 13, this is your son's responsibility. He should not be relying on anyone else, including you, to ask about the ingredients in the foods he eats. Certainly he can ask you clarifying questions (Mom, are sesame seeds nuts?) but he should know to ask EVERY SINGLE TIME. It is absurd that you are saying you need "to protect him from his own father" like his father was abusing him or something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree that OP's son needs to be responsible for his allergy, at the same time, that's no excuse for his father not to help with reinforcing the responsibility. The father should be modeling the right behavior for his son and that he isn't is beyond ridiculous. 13 year olds may still need some coaching and reinforcement, especially when their lives are at stake! OP's husband is an ass.

OP here.

Thank you for articulating what I feel. I'm guessing a couple of PPs before you don't realize that a 13 year old is still young and immature. My son has inattentive ADHD and while he has taken temporary responsibility for himself when he knows he's on his own, like at a birthday party, it's easier for him to rely on us when we're together, because the ADHD makes it hard for him to focus and multitask.

I find it just too sad for words that I have to protect him from his own father and tell him: "Remember to ask Dad whether there are any nuts when he hands you food." It's not even food DS grabs for himself - he would remember to ask in that situation. Sigh.

Completely agree. Surprised that so many PPs completely missed the mark on this one. Sounds like your husband is unwilling to take any responsibility for basic food safety for your son. I'm really not sure I could live with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here.

Thank you all.

I am still very angry at my husband, despite your cooling words. I feel strongly he should take this more seriously. He never reminds my son about his allergies, probably doesn't remember where the epipen is, and would never think of taking it with him, or remind DS to carry one. It makes me furious that he takes this allergy so lightly.

However, you are right, this is the impetus for my son to take charge.

Your son is a teenager. This is on him.

Ridiculous. Would you say the same thing if the dad was handing him a joint? You'd think a father who had a functioning brain could/would refrain from handing his kid baklava.

Anonymous wrote:While I agree that OP's son needs to be responsible for his allergy, at the same time, that's no excuse for his father not to help with reinforcing the responsibility. The father should be modeling the right behavior for his son and that he isn't is beyond ridiculous. 13 year olds may still need some coaching and reinforcement, especially when their lives are at stake! OP's husband is an ass.

This right here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree that OP's son needs to be responsible for his allergy, at the same time, that's no excuse for his father not to help with reinforcing the responsibility. The father should be modeling the right behavior for his son and that he isn't is beyond ridiculous. 13 year olds may still need some coaching and reinforcement, especially when their lives are at stake! OP's husband is an ass.

OP here.

Thank you for articulating what I feel. I'm guessing a couple of PPs before you don't realize that a 13 year old is still young and immature. My son has inattentive ADHD and while he has taken temporary responsibility for himself when he knows he's on his own, like at a birthday party, it's easier for him to rely on us when we're together, because the ADHD makes it hard for him to focus and multitask.

I find it just too sad for words that I have to protect him from his own father and tell him: "Remember to ask Dad whether there are any nuts when he hands you food." It's not even food DS grabs for himself - he would remember to ask in that situation. Sigh.

Your son should be asking you that too.

Anonymous wrote:While I agree that OP's son needs to be responsible for his allergy, at the same time, that's no excuse for his father not to help with reinforcing the responsibility. The father should be modeling the right behavior for his son and that he isn't is beyond ridiculous. 13 year olds may still need some coaching and reinforcement, especially when their lives are at stake! OP's husband is an ass.

OP here.

Thank you for articulating what I feel. I'm guessing a couple of PPs before you don't realize that a 13 year old is still young and immature. My son has inattentive ADHD and while he has taken temporary responsibility for himself when he knows he's on his own, like at a birthday party, it's easier for him to rely on us when we're together, because the ADHD makes it hard for him to focus and multitask.

I find it just too sad for words that I have to protect him from his own father and tell him: "Remember to ask Dad whether there are any nuts when he hands you food." It's not even food DS grabs for himself - he would remember to ask in that situation. Sigh.

While I agree that OP's son needs to be responsible for his allergy, at the same time, that's no excuse for his father not to help with reinforcing the responsibility. The father should be modeling the right behavior for his son and that he isn't is beyond ridiculous. 13 year olds may still need some coaching and reinforcement, especially when their lives are at stake! OP's husband is an ass.

Anonymous wrote:
OP here.

Thank you all.

I am still very angry at my husband, despite your cooling words. I feel strongly he should take this more seriously. He never reminds my son about his allergies, probably doesn't remember where the epipen is, and would never think of taking it with him, or remind DS to carry one. It makes me furious that he takes this allergy so lightly.

However, you are right, this is the impetus for my son to take charge.

Your son is a teenager. This is on him.