Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I come down super hard on things like this. My 13 year old doesn't dare anymore.

Good. We need to shut this incel shit down.

Actually, "mommy clamping down on all displays of male exuberance" is exactly how you create incels.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I told my son, "Yes it is your right to say whatever you want. But I am sad and ashamed to hear a child of mine saying these things."

He said it was just a joke, and I said "yeah, I understand that it is just a joke, but I don't like that you are saying it, and I don't want to hear a child of mine saying things like this, not in my house and not in front of me. I can't control what you say to your friends, but I don't think it is right to say these things even as a joke."

That might be okay for run of the mill swearing but op is describing something more serious. Would you advocate this same weary-shrug response if he was saying the n-word? He's a minor under her care and she should respond more strongly than "I don't like that" if it's really offensive, out of the mainstream of teen surliness stuff.

Run of the mill swearing, I don't even comment on. The above I used when my son was calling someone "retarded".

We have also had the conversation about the n- word. My son is one of the only white kids in his class, with all the other kids being AA and he hears the n- word ALL THE TIME being used by his black classmates. He doesn't understand why I won't allow him to use it at home, in the same way his classmates use it, and he says times have changed and I don't get it. No, he doesn't get beat up by his black classmates for using the word. But I tell him nevertheless not to use it at home, where I can hear it, but I admit to being shrug weary about the whole thing.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think these are harsh responses. This is not typical teen boy behavior. I am around teen boys all the time and I haven't heard a joke about child molestation from any of them.

FWIW, I do not allow the "it's just a joke" response if it's something that isn't a joke. I treat it as though they just said they believe the comment they just said. I take it totally seriously, in other words: they should stand behind a position if they are going to make the statement.

I do this as well with my 15 yo DS. When I hear him doing, sh!t like that, without emotion, I shut it down. I note how hurtful it is and then have him take the dog out for a long walk and he is not allowed to listen to music while he walks. It gets him out of the house, boy and dog benefit from the exercise and it annoys him that he must immediately go walk the dog. If it's related to his little brother/sister, I make the consequence related to him doing something positive for them.

FWIW, I haven't heard anything related to child molestation, rape, murder, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Also many of you are viewing the Jared thing through the lens of the horrifically terrible scars pedophilia leaves on its victims. Guaranteed teen boys are NOT looking at it the same way (pp here with the rule about jokes and 2 ppl finding it funny). Not excusing it, just saying that they don’t always give the subject matter the appropriate seriousness (hence pedophilia=fart jokes).

Doubtless some do but many don't and it's okay to expect more. (Especially because op described a pattern rather than a one time joke in poor taste.)

Also many of you are viewing the Jared thing through the lens of the horrifically terrible scars pedophilia leaves on its victims. Guaranteed teen boys are NOT looking at it the same way (pp here with the rule about jokes and 2 ppl finding it funny). Not excusing it, just saying that they don’t always give the subject matter the appropriate seriousness (hence pedophilia=fart jokes).

In our house we have a rule: it’s a joke if both people/everyone find(s) it funny. Ditto teasing and goofing for the younger kids. In this case not only would I point out it wasn’t a joke because I didn’t find it funny, but I had ALREADY told him I found that crap in poor taste and hurtful. To me, that’s as big a red flag as the subject matter-he knew your feelings, disregarded them, then tried to pull the “it’s just a joke! I was trying to make you laugh!” defense. No way would that fly.

You say he feels uncomfortable at school...is he looking for a way out of watching these things w/o being called out by his friends? Peer pressure is so insidious at this age, even among boys, especially with social media. He may not feel like he knows how to get out of it. He may be getting the same treatment at school he’s given you-he declines to watch, kids show him anyway just as a “joke”. For those pps who say it’s not common, I respectfully disagree, at least when they don’t think parents know, but ion any case, obviously OPs son is mixed in with kids who are acting like this. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it’s not ok, and if he’s struggling with how to disengage with his friends when this stuff comes out, given help to deal.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think these are harsh responses. This is not typical teen boy behavior. I am around teen boys all the time and I haven't heard a joke about child molestation from any of them.

FWIW, I do not allow the "it's just a joke" response if it's something that isn't a joke. I treat it as though they just said they believe the comment they just said. I take it totally seriously, in other words: they should stand behind a position if they are going to make the statement.

I grew up with teen brothers and remember them being scolded for, among other things: fart jokes; tampon jokes, Helen Keller jokes and many other inappropriate jokes. One brother recommended the movie "Pink Flamingos" to my parents. Google that one.

They definitely need guidance in appropriate humor during the teen years.

I don't think these are harsh responses. This is not typical teen boy behavior. I am around teen boys all the time and I haven't heard a joke about child molestation from any of them.

FWIW, I do not allow the "it's just a joke" response if it's something that isn't a joke. I treat it as though they just said they believe the comment they just said. I take it totally seriously, in other words: they should stand behind a position if they are going to make the statement.

Anonymous wrote:I think many of these answers are too harsh and condemning. Teens need help discerning what humor is appropriate. They don’t always have good judgment. It doesn’t mean he’s a molester or mean troll.

Exactly which responses are too harsh? I don’t recall anyone prompting OP to tell her son he will burn in Hell or to move out of their house.

Anonymous wrote:I think many of these answers are too harsh and condemning. Teens need help discerning what humor is appropriate. They don’t always have good judgment. It doesn’t mean he’s a molester or mean troll.

OP here. I agree and I wasn't offended by most of the other post (leave the incel thing...) And my example was the of the most disturbing things he's done. That's why I posted b/c I freaked out.

I think our kids are exposed to way too much inappropriate content. And now YouTube will ad that to his algorithm and it will only get worse. We explained this to him and he get's it. It's just a constant battle. Impulsive and thinks it's all a joke.

Oh and Thank you Posted upthread who sent the link of story of man who met his troll.

I think many of these answers are too harsh and condemning. Teens need help discerning what humor is appropriate. They don’t always have good judgment. It doesn’t mean he’s a molester or mean troll.

Anonymous wrote:It isn't "typical teen boy nastiness." YOUR teen boy might engage in mean, nasty trolling, but don't make light of it by telling yourself this is typical of all teen boys.

I teach this age group, and most teen boys don't do this.

OP here. Thank you for pointing this out. I needed to hear it.he tells me boys talk alike this at school but I’m never sure.

Thank you all. I got some good tools.

Anonymous wrote:It isn't "typical teen boy nastiness." YOUR teen boy might engage in mean, nasty trolling, but don't make light of it by telling yourself this is typical of all teen boys.

I teach this age group, and most teen boys don't do this.

As a mom of a 16 year old boy, I couldn't agree more. This also reminds me of an interview Jake Tapper did with Rudy Guiliani right after the Access Hollywood tape was released. Regardless of what you think of Tapper, I thought he was spot on in his response to Guiliani saying that the pussy-grabbing comment was just typical of how men talk in locker rooms. Tapper, a grad of Dartmouth and fraternity responded with; "I have never said that; I have never done that. I am happy to throw a stone. I have been in locker rooms. I have been a member of a fraternity. I have never heard any man, ever, brag about being able to maul women because they get away with it -- never."

It isn't "typical teen boy nastiness." YOUR teen boy might engage in mean, nasty trolling, but don't make light of it by telling yourself this is typical of all teen boys.

I teach this age group, and most teen boys don't do this.

Anonymous wrote:Specifically there’s a YouTube. Video w someone singing about Jared from Subway. It’s “a joke” about child molestation. son wanted to show me and I said I didn’t want to see, it’s inappropriate and hurtful. So he came back a few mins later singing the song. He was trying to get me to laugh.

I hate, hate, hate the meme, you tube prank culture. And yes, I hate music that is misogynistic.

The irony is he tells me stories of what kids are talking about at school. Lots of perverted stuff they watch on internet. He tells me how uncomfortable he feels. But then say at home he can be free to, basically be like them. Last night he acknowledged the hypocrisy.

I try for this to be teachable moments but quite honestly, I’m doing a terrible job. Getting angry and punishment feels good for a nano second. It doesn’t work.

Our kids are exposed to way too much. And I’m a parent who has a tight grip on electronics & internet. But I can’t control the phone of his friends. And they are “good” Kids from “good” families.

I agree.

Smart phone access if mentally and morally crippling our kids.