Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

This is not true if you 1) have only one kid, 2) decide, in advance, that you will make heavy use of outside child care, and 3) have money.

I didn't want kids and my husband did. I thought about why I didn't want them, and realized 95% of the reason were all of the things I assumed moms had to do all day every day. We agreed to throw money at all of it, and I loved having a child so much we had more.

So you had a kid and let everyone else raise it? Good parenting!

I wouldn’t/couldn’t be a nanny even if it paid more than my current (lawyer) job but becoming a mom is by far the best thing I ever did! Not the same. That said, if you are sure, break up! Now!

Whatever you do, don't give in on having kids just to keep the guy. Have kids if you decide you want to have kids for the sake of having kids. It is okay to not have kids or to not want to have kids, but you need to be upfront about where you are and push back against wishful thinking from your guy that you will change you mind. It will be incredibly painful to break up with a guy you love because you are not on the same page about kids, but it will be even more painful for you and everyone involved if you (a) drag it out, or (b) agree to kids just to try to save the relationship. There are wonderful guys out there who don't want kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

This is not true if you 1) have only one kid, 2) decide, in advance, that you will make heavy use of outside child care, and 3) have money.

I didn't want kids and my husband did. I thought about why I didn't want them, and realized 95% of the reason were all of the things I assumed moms had to do all day every day. We agreed to throw money at all of it, and I loved having a child so much we had more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want kids and never have—I don’t really have a clear specific reason. I just don’t. You don’t need one either.

But you do need to be clear about this with him. I was dating a guy before my current DH who told me he loved me but he really wanted children so he couldn’t get over that. It was okay, I accepted that and I appreciated and respected his honesty. We are still friends. No hard feelings either way.

+1

You need to break up with him, OP.

+2 this is not complicated. You can't have it both ways. End it.

NP with kids here. +3
I love my kids but I never was obsessed with having them and while it is fun that they are like me, all the things you describe are still there and soul sucking.


But either way you don't need to have a specific reason for not wanting kids. If you don't it is a fine choice and no one on DCUM or elsewhere should pester you about it. And if you are sure you don't want kids, you should end your current relationship. There are plenty of great guys that don't want kids and plenty of women who do. If you are and he are sure of your preferences, you will both be happier in the long run, even if not the short run, by moving on.

It really is completely different when it's your own kids. Yes it's still hard, can be tedious, etc. - but somehow the bad things just don't feel as bad, at least in my experience. I speak as someone who still dislikes and is annoyed by other people's kids, even when they're good kids, but completely adores my own.

However - if you feel strongly that you don't want kids, you shouldn't have them! You like your freedom and that's fine.

I don't think this guy is the guy for you. He clearly strongly wants kids. Even if right now he's willing to give the idea of them up for you, once the honeymoon phase is behind you and all his friends have kids and are having the experiences he always pictured himself having and now won't be, he is quite likely to feel resentful. I think he's sticking around in hopes you'll change your mind, just as you're hoping he will change his.

Neither of you is wrong but you're setting the relationship up to fail by moving forward when you want different things from life - he's picturing bouncing babies and baseball games, and you're picturing spur of the moment vacations, dinners, etc. Not going to work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

It is life altering and it is a lifelong commitment. You are correct. It is 24/7/365/rest of your life. If you are not willing to put your wants on hold for your child's needs, then you have made the correct decision. It is not for everyone and if everyone had full disclosure, I think that many more would choose to be childfree. It is a valid choice.

We took the plunge two decades ago and have a 21 and a 19 year old and we are still not out of the woods yet. Both had special needs that needed to be addressed and ameliorated in order for them to be able to become independent adults. Both are in college now and doing well, but it took quite a bit of effort and a major financial hit. My career was also a casualty. We are not the norm, but still we are a possibility.

Just curious, how many times in the last month did you spontaneously get up and go out for dinner? How often on the last 12 months did you go on a spontaneous trip for a weekend?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

I'm an agnostic scientist but even I find it a little ironic that you prioritize having frequent sex but are opposed to procreation. It's almost like saying you are very fond of eating but are opposed to pooping. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but a full life consists of ups and downs and responsibilities and accomplishments and commitments, not just vacations and sex.

Awesome post. OP is like Peter Pan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

What you are describing is really only the early years. Maybe five, versus a lifetime of being a parent.

What she described isn’t everyone either. 3 kids and we have sex daily. Didn’t wait 6 weeks and we parent how we want so that meant sleep training early and tolerated zero tantrums. Being a nanny and being a parent is not related. It is your job, as a nanny, to “parent” how the parents want. Regardless, don’t have children because you sound dramatic and like you stereotype every relationship.

Agreed. And you're only seeing the bad parts and hearing from the complainers. My kids have been a breeze. DH and I have super calm, easy going personalities and our kids do too. STTN easily, potty trained easily and are just happy children. I'd never tell that to my friends who are struggling with their kids because that's bragging.

Why would it be bragging? I see it more as incredibly lucky.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

I'm an agnostic scientist but even I find it a little ironic that you prioritize having frequent sex but are opposed to procreation. It's almost like saying you are very fond of eating but are opposed to pooping. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but a full life consists of ups and downs and responsibilities and accomplishments and commitments, not just vacations and sex.

Plenty of people love sex but don’t have kids. Nothing wrong with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

I'm an agnostic scientist but even I find it a little ironic that you prioritize having frequent sex but are opposed to procreation. It's almost like saying you are very fond of eating but are opposed to pooping. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but a full life consists of ups and downs and responsibilities and accomplishments and commitments, not just vacations and sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

What you are describing is really only the early years. Maybe five, versus a lifetime of being a parent.

It also exposes the difference between being a nanny and parent. You're seeing all the negatives and none of the positives. I spent an hour this morning with my toddler trying to help her with a difficult bowel movement. Talk about a less than glamorous morning! She still hasn't succeeded and I'm checking in on her trying to talk her through it. On the outside, describing this to anyone this probably sounds like your literal parenting nightmare. So gross, so awkward, so weird blah blah blah.

But she is in pain, I feel her pain, and when she succeeds I will feel her success. She will hug me while she gets it out crying and I'll be providing her comfort no one else can. And all of those emotions make being a parent worth it, make all those things worth it. You love them so much, caring that much about someone makes you feel more alive, gives you purpose.

Of course its fine to not want to have kids, but those things you list are the temporary fire where you forge a bond that is really unlike anything else you can find in life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

What you are describing is really only the early years. Maybe five, versus a lifetime of being a parent.

What she described isn’t everyone either. 3 kids and we have sex daily. Didn’t wait 6 weeks and we parent how we want so that meant sleep training early and tolerated zero tantrums. Being a nanny and being a parent is not related. It is your job, as a nanny, to “parent” how the parents want. Regardless, don’t have children because you sound dramatic and like you stereotype every relationship.

Agreed. And you're only seeing the bad parts and hearing from the complainers. My kids have been a breeze. DH and I have super calm, easy going personalities and our kids do too. STTN easily, potty trained easily and are just happy children. I'd never tell that to my friends who are struggling with their kids because that's bragging.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

It is different when the kids are yours. Totally agree that doing all that stuff for other people's kids is boring and annoying. I never would have believed I could enjoy (or at least, not mind) dealing with all the aggro of kids until I had my own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

What you are describing is really only the early years. Maybe five, versus a lifetime of being a parent.

What she described isn’t everyone either. 3 kids and we have sex daily. Didn’t wait 6 weeks and we parent how we want so that meant sleep training early and tolerated zero tantrums. Being a nanny and being a parent is not related. It is your job, as a nanny, to “parent” how the parents want. Regardless, don’t have children because you sound dramatic and like you stereotype every relationship.