Anonymous
Post 06/14/2018 17:44     Subject: Re:Step daughter tutoring
Anonymous wrote:This is why I think it's best to maintain separate finances when you form a blended family. It's normal to feel resentful that the money you're putting into a shared pot is going to a child who isn't yours. People are gonna decry that that stepchild is also your obligation but she really isn't. Your DH should ensure that only his money is going to paying for his kid.


YES THIS. We did not separate finances at first and I am the one with younger kids. It led to a lot of resentment on my part. I make more. We split finances up this year and I feel so much better. More in control
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2018 17:41     Subject: Re:Step daughter tutoring
Anonymous wrote:This is why I think it's best to maintain separate finances when you form a blended family. It's normal to feel resentful that the money you're putting into a shared pot is going to a child who isn't yours. People are gonna decry that that stepchild is also your obligation but she really isn't. Your DH should ensure that only his money is going to paying for his kid.


I think this is fair. However, understand that your DH may need to reduce what he contributes toward your kids together accordingly. And that's fair, too. What's important is that all of the kids' needs are being met. A preteen and toddler have very different needs. So what is spent on each will vary.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2018 16:21     Subject: Step daughter tutoring
Anonymous wrote:OP, if you cannot afford the kids you already have (starting with your oldest daughter, the 11 year old) then you and your husband need to stop having more children.

Someday in a few years your toddler might be the one with a younger step mom bitching about money being spent on him/her. Treat your stepdaughter the way you are going to want your toddler to be treated by his stepmom.




+1
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2018 15:56     Subject: Step daughter tutoring

You have NO IDEA how expensive specialized camps and tutors can get.

Your husband is correct.

Anonymous
Post 06/14/2018 15:44     Subject: Step daughter tutoring
Anonymous wrote:My step daughter stays with us more frequently in the summer. Her mom mentioned she has tutoring 2x a week in the summer. Dh didn't realize this and asked about the cost. Her mom said "It's rather expensive so I didn't want to ask you to split it. I really think it's worth it and I don't mind." I'm thinking ok great. Dh plans on asking the tutor directly and pay her on "pur day" , thus splitting the cost. I am annoyed bc we already gave her mom 1300 dollars this summer when splitting camps. I think to spend thousands of dollars during the summer on a 11 yr old is insane. I asked if TH wants to drop the day she's here and just let her mom pay for the day she goes with her and he "isn't interested in altering her schedule." This woman gets a ton of money from us and I'm frustrated when she isn't asking for.any we still give her some. It's all on DH and he just doesn't see my PIC. He claims once our toddlers are older I will just realize how much more expensive kids get. no winning from me.


Wow, that's really cheap for a summer's worth of camp. It's clear you don't have kids yet.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2018 15:12     Subject: Step daughter tutoring
OP, if you cannot afford the kids you already have (starting with your oldest daughter, the 11 year old) then you and your husband need to stop having more children.

Someday in a few years your toddler might be the one with a younger step mom bitching about money being spent on him/her. Treat your stepdaughter the way you are going to want your toddler to be treated by his stepmom.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2018 15:09     Subject: Step daughter tutoring
Anonymous wrote:My step daughter stays with us more frequently in the summer. Her mom mentioned she has tutoring 2x a week in the summer. Dh didn't realize this and asked about the cost. Her mom said "It's rather expensive so I didn't want to ask you to split it. I really think it's worth it and I don't mind." I'm thinking ok great. Dh plans on asking the tutor directly and pay her on "pur day" , thus splitting the cost. I am annoyed bc we already gave her mom 1300 dollars this summer when splitting camps. I think to spend thousands of dollars during the summer on a 11 yr old is insane. I asked if TH wants to drop the day she's here and just let her mom pay for the day she goes with her and he "isn't interested in altering her schedule." This woman gets a ton of money from us and I'm frustrated when she isn't asking for.any we still give her some. It's all on DH and he just doesn't see my PIC. He claims once our toddlers are older I will just realize how much more expensive kids get. no winning from me.


Daughter was their first.

Mom did not ask dad for money.

If dad wants to step up to the plate, man up and be a father, you should encourage him and be proud of him keeping a good relationship with his daughter and being fair to his daughter's mom.

$1300 spent on his child over the summer is a reasonable amount.

You chose to marry a man with a child. You need to support him in letting him make choices that benefit this child.

She was here first.

She comes first.

Be an adult OP.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2018 14:51     Subject: Step daughter tutoring
Jealous and evil people shouldn't be step parents. You should know your evil personality can't deal with sharing, sharing anything or anyone.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2018 14:46     Subject: Step daughter tutoring
1000 dollars for 11 year old summers activities is too much for this area? Only if you live under a rock. Another clueless mom of younger kids who no doubt is an evil stepmom. Do you know that most sat prep classes cost 3,4K?
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2018 14:26     Subject: Step daughter tutoring
Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Your husband is trying to be a good father and a fair person. Be grateful for that.

Also, if you only paid $1300 for summer camps for an 11-year-old, you got off really easy.

+1 This is rare unanimity on DCUM. OP you should butt out and let your DH parent his child.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2018 14:22     Subject: Re:Step daughter tutoring
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mom offered to pay for all the tutoring, is that correct? I would focus on getting DH to accept her generous offer, and not fuss about your stepdaughter getting camps and tutoring.


Op here...yes this is what I mean. She offered and I wish he could just say thanks! She's a great student and her mom just wants to keep it that way. If she was struggling I would view it differently.


I am just throwing this out there as a Dad who has a daughter and a step-mom that sometimes doesn't appreciate my spending on my daughter.

What I realized is that when I volunteered to pay for things, my wife got upset because she thought that I still cared about my daughter's mother and that I was trying to "help her out" more than I should because I might still have feelings for her.

We have talked about it and it got better.

Maybe OP - you need to really identify why this man being a good father is really bothering you.
Anonymous
Post 06/13/2018 16:21     Subject: Step daughter tutoring
Get over it. Your husband is trying to be a good father and a fair person. Be grateful for that.

Also, if you only paid $1300 for summer camps for an 11-year-old, you got off really easy.
Anonymous
Post 06/13/2018 15:53     Subject: Step daughter tutoring
The fact that you suggested to your DH that he force his DD to drop the tutoring on "his" days even though her mom was willing to pay for it really shows me that you are the unreasonable one. Your DH is doing an admirable thing by offering to pay even where his ex doesn't demand it. I can see questioning whether that is really necessary (I don't know enough about your finances, ex's spending habits, etc). Once he says it is/he wants to, the next step is absolutely NOT trying to screw his DD out of the activity just because he insists on paying his share. That would ONLY hurt the DD. The fact that that would be your next move is... well, not flattering.
Anonymous
Post 06/13/2018 15:25     Subject: Step daughter tutoring
OP--I'm the step mom to 2 kids. The mom is being very fair by offering to pay the full cost of the tutoring. Dad is also being very fair in offering to pay 50%. That is his "share" even though she didn't ask for it.

What you're going to find is that some years some kids cost more money than others. While there maybe a set monthly amount that your DH has to pay, chances are it doesn't cover 50% of the expenses.

If you can learn to view your SD as your child, you will feel less resentment about the money she "takes"
Anonymous
Post 06/13/2018 15:12     Subject: Step daughter tutoring
You're a jerk. And you don't get a say in what your husband is willing to pay for his daughter's educational needs.

And he's right, you'll be singing a different tune in 10 years when you're complaining about his diverting $ from your kids' tutoring and summer camps to pay for college for her.