Anonymous wrote:Adult adoptee and in the last year have been reunited with birth sibling. The randomness of placement has been something I have struggled with since reuniting. I have wonderful, loving supportive parents who provided me with every opportunity. He on the other hand was raised by a handicapped unemployed mother, father was a heroin addict that died when he was 13. He is successful and thriving despite his upbringing. It's been a wild experiment in nature vs. nurture.

Anonymous wrote:A family on our road has 3 kids (2 are adopted) and the oldest (17) who is one of the adopted kids is friends with my teen. The family is quirky. Nice people but just unusual lifestyle, atypical hobbies and interests, non traditional values and philosophies on life. As soon as you meet them, you know they march to the beat of their own drum.

The 17 year old finds their life style embarrassing and he is not into much of what the parents are, and doesn't agree with much of what they believe. He feels like he has never fit into this family, that they don't get him etc. Very typical teen stuff to some degree. However he is very caught up in the random lottery results of adoption placements. He was adopted as a baby - so the idea that had any number of minor factors been even slightly different he would have had completely different parents, and a different life. He envisions the life that other adopted kids have with more 'normal parents' and is angry that he by luck of the draw ended up with this family. He looks up the life stories of other adoptees and basically is jealous / upset that his life and his potential has been constrained / limited by the family he ended up in. I have also shown him stories of how it could have been a lot worse!

I think he will likely grow out of this as he ages but anyone else know of an adoptee who really struggles with this issue?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

But this is true of birth families, too.

Correct. But children raised by the family they're born into are one and done with their random lottery. Adopted children go through it twice- the (bad or good) luck to be born into a family that can't raise them and then the luck to "chosen" by another- good or bad- family.

Birthparents or agencies choose, not the child. Birthparents generally look for families who are either very similar or very different depending on their life experiences.

I’m familiar with the adoption process as a member of two different parts of the adoption triad. Some families do indeed choose. The adoption agency makes a referral but the family is the one who accepts the referral.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And this is also in the eye of the beholder. I think my family is the best family on Earth and love everything about my parents. I fit in with them like 3 peas in a pod. My sister actually was adopted and thinks my family is the worst. She ran away and maintains no contact with them. She wishes she had a quirky family instead of the preppy family we have that loves to travel. My sister fought with them for her whole adolescence whereas I loved being home with my parents, reading the same books they read, shopping with them, cooking with them and I love raising my family near them.

Man, that's gotta be tough for your sister.

I sort of feel like it's karma. She was the beautiful one that everyone loved when we were younger. I really worked hard to get other people to like me and to get attention from my parents. She got ALL the attention from everyone whereas I was just the good kid who didn't need as much parental help, homework help or anything else. I was ignored a lot as a kid. I'm sure my parents wish she was there instead of me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

But this is true of birth families, too.

Correct. But children raised by the family they're born into are one and done with their random lottery. Adopted children go through it twice- the (bad or good) luck to be born into a family that can't raise them and then the luck to "chosen" by another- good or bad- family.

Birthparents or agencies choose, not the child. Birthparents generally look for families who are either very similar or very different depending on their life experiences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

But this is true of birth families, too.

Correct. But children raised by the family they're born into are one and done with their random lottery. Adopted children go through it twice- the (bad or good) luck to be born into a family that can't raise them and then the luck to "chosen" by another- good or bad- family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And this is also in the eye of the beholder. I think my family is the best family on Earth and love everything about my parents. I fit in with them like 3 peas in a pod. My sister actually was adopted and thinks my family is the worst. She ran away and maintains no contact with them. She wishes she had a quirky family instead of the preppy family we have that loves to travel. My sister fought with them for her whole adolescence whereas I loved being home with my parents, reading the same books they read, shopping with them, cooking with them and I love raising my family near them.

Man, that's gotta be tough for your sister.

I sort of feel like it's karma. She was the beautiful one that everyone loved when we were younger. I really worked hard to get other people to like me and to get attention from my parents. She got ALL the attention from everyone whereas I was just the good kid who didn't need as much parental help, homework help or anything else. I was ignored a lot as a kid. I'm sure my parents wish she was there instead of me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And this is also in the eye of the beholder. I think my family is the best family on Earth and love everything about my parents. I fit in with them like 3 peas in a pod. My sister actually was adopted and thinks my family is the worst. She ran away and maintains no contact with them. She wishes she had a quirky family instead of the preppy family we have that loves to travel. My sister fought with them for her whole adolescence whereas I loved being home with my parents, reading the same books they read, shopping with them, cooking with them and I love raising my family near them.

Man, that's gotta be tough for your sister.

Anonymous wrote:A family on our road has 3 kids (2 are adopted) and the oldest (17) who is one of the adopted kids is friends with my teen. The family is quirky. Nice people but just unusual lifestyle, atypical hobbies and interests, non traditional values and philosophies on life. As soon as you meet them, you know they march to the beat of their own drum.

The 17 year old finds their life style embarrassing and he is not into much of what the parents are, and doesn't agree with much of what they believe. He feels like he has never fit into this family, that they don't get him etc. Very typical teen stuff to some degree. However he is very caught up in the random lottery results of adoption placements. He was adopted as a baby - so the idea that had any number of minor factors been even slightly different he would have had completely different parents, and a different life. He envisions the life that other adopted kids have with more 'normal parents' and is angry that he by luck of the draw ended up with this family. He looks up the life stories of other adoptees and basically is jealous / upset that his life and his potential has been constrained / limited by the family he ended up in. I have also shown him stories of how it could have been a lot worse!

I think he will likely grow out of this as he ages but anyone else know of an adoptee who really struggles with this issue?

Anonymous wrote:

And this is also in the eye of the beholder. I think my family is the best family on Earth and love everything about my parents. I fit in with them like 3 peas in a pod. My sister actually was adopted and thinks my family is the worst. She ran away and maintains no contact with them. She wishes she had a quirky family instead of the preppy family we have that loves to travel. My sister fought with them for her whole adolescence whereas I loved being home with my parents, reading the same books they read, shopping with them, cooking with them and I love raising my family near them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

But this is true of birth families, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.