He probably does have some mental issues going on, at least failure to fly. He could be angry or depressed he has no job, no girlfriend. I lived at home for a year when I was 28. It took me a year to find a job. It didn't help that my mother was telling me to be a waitress when I had just gotten my Master's degree. Finally I got a real job. Be supportive and believe in him. He should be actively looking for jobs. He should be doing his own laundry and helping out with the dishes or yard work. He needs his own car for independence (even if it's your car). He can cook his own breakfast and lunch but should join you for the family dinner. Career counseling might help him too. I wouldn't take his rudeness personally just yet. He probably feels bad about himself and is taking it out on you. He knows you're disappointed in him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said you were conflicted in your title, but then you said you’d never dream of kicking him out despite him being rude. What exactly are you conflicted about?

I'm not sure what boundaries to set up or exactly how to approach it. One family meal a day together? Required therapy? How long before he has to get a job? Help pay HH expenses or do certain chores? Put in writing or not? We will offer help with mental health counseling (VA services are sparse) and probably a loan to get an inexpensive used car.

Yes, ideally breakfast. Mentally ill people often get out of synch with their days and nights and it doesn't help at all. Insist that he get up when you do and eat with you to get his day started in a constructive and timely manner.

The real question is what you're going to do about it when he refuses to meet your standards.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you just see the parents who had to get the court to throw the 30 year old out.

The answer is no.

You may not move back home. We expect you to find
A job and find a roommate situation.

Construction. Trash truck. Whatever.

Do not let him move home. He will never leave. Never.

Do not make it your problem.

No no no.

He is family. He is moving home from overseas. I'm not going to tell him he can't come home. I am going to offer to help pay for some therapy and set up a written agreement with ground rules. Suggestions are welcome but I won't tell him he can't come home.

If he is military, Tricare will pay. If he got out, VA will pay.

Nope. Not unless it was documented during his time in service. If it isn't service-related, VA doesn't pay. It is possible to get a diagnosis post-separation and then get the VA to pay, but that generally takes years and a lot of appeals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you just see the parents who had to get the court to throw the 30 year old out.

The answer is no.

You may not move back home. We expect you to find
A job and find a roommate situation.

Construction. Trash truck. Whatever.

Do not let him move home. He will never leave. Never.

Do not make it your problem.

No no no.

He is family. He is moving home from overseas. I'm not going to tell him he can't come home. I am going to offer to help pay for some therapy and set up a written agreement with ground rules. Suggestions are welcome but I won't tell him he can't come home.

Have the ground rules include rent.

You're getting a lot of good suggestions here. I would add that if you find out he has problems with drug or alcohol addiction, look into Nar-Anon or Al-Anon.

Agree that it sounds like mental health issues. Read about borderline personality disorder. If he’s open to medical treatment, that would be a good place to start. Thing is that he has to be willing. And it’s expensive (especially DBT as a PP mentioned).

Try DBT family and individual therapy.

Something is going on and he either doesn't realize it or is hiding something.

What is his degree in?

Pay for a room for him for a year somewhere else or a studio. I’m Europen, nobody over 20 lives with their parents. The European must be from southern or Western European.

You have been honest with your post. Extend that to your son and DH. Insist on therapy for your son and perhaps you and your spouse. Have house and a time limit.

I imagine your son has had problems for quite some time. A roof over his head is not enough. He needs professional help. Best of luck.

Update us when you have questions about how to evict a relative.

Anonymous wrote:Everything the above poster said. If this were as simple as setting some boundaries, there really wouldn’t be an issue. You cannot do this without outside counseling/support for YOU. You need someone to help you process this, make decisions and perhaps provide some accountability for you setting whatever boundaries may be appropriate both for him and for yourself.

Peace to you and your family.

By “above poster” I meant 11:34.

Everything the above poster said. If this were as simple as setting some boundaries, there really wouldn’t be an issue. You cannot do this without outside counseling/support for YOU. You need someone to help you process this, make decisions and perhaps provide some accountability for you setting whatever boundaries may be appropriate both for him and for yourself.

Peace to you and your family.

The problem with rules and or a contract for an adult living at home is how do you enforce those ? What happens when he doesnt do what youve asked?
If there are no consequences there is no point having rules.

Everyone has ups and downs in life and if this was a down I would help him out. From what you have said though, this is a pattern of behavior and I would be hesitant to let him move in unless he has specific goals regarding time with you, job etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said you were conflicted in your title, but then you said you’d never dream of kicking him out despite him being rude. What exactly are you conflicted about?

I'm not sure what boundaries to set up or exactly how to approach it. One family meal a day together? Required therapy? How long before he has to get a job? Help pay HH expenses or do certain chores? Put in writing or not? We will offer help with mental health counseling (VA services are sparse) and probably a loan to get an inexpensive used car.

NP. OP, you are asking great questions.

I think you and your spouse need your own family counseling to help you figure it out. Some of the behaviors your son is exhibiting are outside of typical for his age, and there may not be a quick fix to help him stabilize and get on track.

If you and your husband can work with a therapist specializing in relationships with adult children then I think it would be well worth the money. Your home life is going to become more challenging with the change. A family counselor for you and your spouse will help you work together to manage your expectations regarding your son as well as to maintain a good relationship as a couple. Your company's EAP program or your own physician may be able to point you in the right direction to finding the right family counselor. Especially since your son will be living in the house (not a space with its own entrance?), you will likely run into other issues after your son has moved in. As parents, you need a resource you can turn to.

And, yes, three absolute conditions for your son needs to be that he begins and continues therapy, he needs to pay room and board (on a sliding scale) starting immediately, and that he gets a job within 3-4 months from the day he moves in. I like the family meal idea because that is how you can monitor how he is adjusting. If you give him a loan for the car then you need to make sure he pays the loan.

Good luck! Your son is lucky to have you for parents and you are doing the right thing!

Since you aren't qualified to diagnose, OP, you shouldn't assume that he does not have PTSD. I have PTSD, and I've never been in the military. Get help for him.