You have a husband problem. Honestly, if DH goes separately to his parents and reads them the riot act, and you don't see immediate improvement in their behavior, then I would divorce DH over this.

The type of person who would threaten to go for full custody due to you wanting to protect your kids...is that really someone you want to be married to?

Your ILs are assholes and so is your manipulative DH. Your 15 yo boy CRIED FOR AN HOUR. By letting this continue, you are hurting him, your other son, and their relationship in the future. Your older son is being hurt not only by his grandparents' blatant cruelty, but also his brother's disregard of his feelings, AND by his parents letting him be abused this way all these years. Grow a spine, get your own balls, and let your son see that his welfare comes FIRST. I feel so bad for him.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, while I would happily cut contact, DH is insistent that we can't. DH feels he is in debt to MIL and FIL for paying for college and has made it clear that he will start divorce proceedings and take the kids should I press the issue. He thinks that going no contact would hurt DS14 and that we should be trying to improve DS15's relationship with his grandparents, not cutting it out.

How long does he feel he has to be in debt for them paying for his college? And how long will he be in debt to his older son for screwing him over?
If I were you I would work on teaching DS14 some compassion and solidarity with his brother.

Anonymous wrote:Wow op this is so terrible. Both the in laws and your husband are behaving awfully, and maybe your 14 year old too, although he’s just a kid so is not as culpable.

You have to stand up for your 15 year old no matter the consequences, including your husband leaving you (!!!). If they do anything like this again you say immediately that you will not stand for them treating your family like that. Then if they don’t cut it out and apologize you leave with ds15 and as many of your other family members will come.

Also, family counseling, stat.

The poor kids.

No way. You leave with BOTH kids.

My kids know when I am serious about something and there would be hell to pay if the 14year old did not leave with me after an incident like what OP described. DH can do whatever he wants, but if you leave with one child, you take BOTH of them. Otherwise you are rewarding bad behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, while I would happily cut contact, DH is insistent that we can't. DH feels he is in debt to MIL and FIL for paying for college and has made it clear that he will start divorce proceedings and take the kids should I press the issue. He thinks that going no contact would hurt DS14 and that we should be trying to improve DS15's relationship with his grandparents, not cutting it out.

He is stark raving mad and is part of the problem.

First, he shouldn't carry gratitude about paid education all his life and have it color all his actions. That's sick. In my family, we pay for college for the kids and don't expect them to grovel.

Second, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree - he's manipulative and abusive and threatening. Talking about divorce? Excuse me? Are there other issues going on between you? Because that's not OK if it's in response to such egregious grandparent favoritism.

Really, OP, I hope you can persuade him to visit a therapist and talk these things through, mainly how damaging it is to both of your children. BOTH.

+1

Seriously not uncommon AT ALL for UMC ppl to cover college costs. And even if it were....paying for DH’s college is something they did for your husband not sure how that obligates your DS to take their abuse.

I would cut contact in practice but not announce it.

Every time grandparents reach out for an event, be too busy. Drag your feet. Don’t make plans with them. Cancel often. If they’re looking forward to seeing the 14 year old and any other fun thing comes up that he might want to do comes up, I would always let him cancel.

Are your parents around OP? Do the kids have a relationship with them? Encourage that.

Also get marriage counseling because threatening divorce over protecting one of your children is insane. Your DH sounds very manipulative and controlling.

And put your feet down about things like gifts. I would be so angry about something like the Xbox/T-shirt that I would have just returned it to them, saying no thank you - Let them be angry for once. I would not cover for them by buying a second gift. The ice cream incident would have resulted in a very angry phone call from ME. It doesn’t sound like your DH is going to stand up to them. I would decide to be fine with ILs hating me as long as I got to stand up for my kids. Go full on mama bear on them, it is past time!

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these people advocating estrangement. Sit down with grandparents and have a serious talk about your feelings and the impact on your sons. Cutting off family is a terrible idea and will set up a pattern that your children might repeat on you one day.

Apparently reading comprehension isn’t your strong point. They did talk to the GPS who blamed them for having kids too close together.

Who are all these people advocating estrangement. Sit down with grandparents and have a serious talk about your feelings and the impact on your sons. Cutting off family is a terrible idea and will set up a pattern that your children might repeat on you one day.

Wow op this is so terrible. Both the in laws and your husband are behaving awfully, and maybe your 14 year old too, although he’s just a kid so is not as culpable.

You have to stand up for your 15 year old no matter the consequences, including your husband leaving you (!!!). If they do anything like this again you say immediately that you will not stand for them treating your family like that. Then if they don’t cut it out and apologize you leave with ds15 and as many of your other family members will come.

Also, family counseling, stat.

The poor kids.

That is really messed up. Cut ties, immediately!

Anonymous wrote:OP here, while I would happily cut contact, DH is insistent that we can't. DH feels he is in debt to MIL and FIL for paying for college and has made it clear that he will start divorce proceedings and take the kids should I press the issue. He thinks that going no contact would hurt DS14 and that we should be trying to improve DS15's relationship with his grandparents, not cutting it out.

He is stark raving mad and is part of the problem.

First, he shouldn't carry gratitude about paid education all his life and have it color all his actions. That's sick. In my family, we pay for college for the kids and don't expect them to grovel.

Second, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree - he's manipulative and abusive and threatening. Talking about divorce? Excuse me? Are there other issues going on between you? Because that's not OK if it's in response to such egregious grandparent favoritism.

Really, OP, I hope you can persuade him to visit a therapist and talk these things through, mainly how damaging it is to both of your children. BOTH.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, while I would happily cut contact, DH is insistent that we can't. DH feels he is in debt to MIL and FIL for paying for college and has made it clear that he will start divorce proceedings and take the kids should I press the issue. He thinks that going no contact would hurt DS14 and that we should be trying to improve DS15's relationship with his grandparents, not cutting it out.

If that is his stance, what is HE doing to improve that relationship, since clearly there have been many instances where wounds have been inflicted? What is HE going to do to protect DS15 going forward and to address past grievances with his folks?

And if HE won't let you press the issue of cutting off contact, and if HE won't confront his parents, will he support you if YOU confront his parents whenever there is a grievance going forward? Doing extra shopping for them or nixing a trip doesn't cut it. They need to be called out on their behavior each time it happens and there needs to be a discussion not in the boys' presence to make clear what the expectations are for equal treatment.

Feeling in debt to his parents... My DH and I paid for college too, but you'd better believe if we behaved like that around our grandkids, we would not be welcome to visit much if at all! Paying for college does not earn one the privilege of hateful behavior to loved ones. Your DH needs to understand this. If they MUST visit, then he MUST stand up for everyone in the family, firmly and consistently.

Part of life is learning to deal with unfairness, people who don't treat you well, and figuring out how to cope with this.

I would do a few things. Be upfront about it. It is happening and everyone knows. Talk about it openly and how it feels. Your DS14 needs to get a better sense of what this is like for his brother.

Find a way to laugh about it, yourselves when at home. Finding humor in difficult circumstances is a great way to cope.

Call out grandparents. If they dish it out, dish it back at them. Point out rude and unfair behavior.

Give your DS 15 some agency in this. If he doesn't want to visit them, he doesn't have to. What does he want? Let him lead.

So I was coming on here to say that my ILs have a deeper relationship with the oldest grandkids than with mine, because of the great age difference and their health decline during that time.

But your situation is AWFUL.

I am thinking primarily of the damage done to the YOUNGER son, the one who likes his grandparents. Being discriminated against makes you stronger and more lucid, in a way. Being favored can be poisonous, because you cannot grow up with a real sense of your capabilities and limitations.

You should have put your foot down AGES ago. You are responsible, OP. Don't hide behind your husband. If one parent is too craven to protect both children, the other one has to step up, and that person is you.

No more visits. Kiss the inheritance goodbye. Hope you weren't planning on it (but of course, you were, and that's why you sold your kids down the river).

^ BTW, we are no contact with DH’s family (his choice, their fault) and it is the most freeing experience.