Anonymous
06/03/2018 15:05
Subject: Help save my marriage
Op, the nutjobs have overrun the thread. Why do people bother asking for advice here? Read the other threads and you’ll quickly get that this forum is overgrown with angry crazies.
Anonymous
06/03/2018 15:01
Subject: Help save my marriage
You want him to change. He doesn't seem willing/able to do so. Quite frankly divorce now is the stupidest thing you can do. Outsource what you can and make better decisions in the future. Also tell him plain and frank that he is a lazy douche bag, leave him alone with kids on the weekend and go do something for that day. Why would he change anything right now? He has it made. Sometimes you put yourself first and turn the phone off. "Here are the kids, here is the schedule, bye for a week." he doesn't have anxiety, he has a nag for a wife. So stop nagging but also stop doing so much. Nobody likes a martyr. Basically you take a trip. House, him and the kids will survive.
Anonymous
06/03/2018 14:14
Subject: Help save my marriage
OP, is there an age gap between you two? Are you considerably older than DH?
Anonymous
06/03/2018 14:06
Subject: Help save my marriage
What was your parents marriage like? I have a friend like you that broke up her perfectly fine marriage because of x,y,z she wasn’t getting her needs met. Doing my armchair psychology I deduced that because her parents split and she had a piss poor relationship with her dad, she almost wanted to ruin the marriage herself that way she’d be in control and she wouldn’t get hurt as much.
Anonymous
06/03/2018 13:58
Subject: Help save my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m not sure if I’m not being clear, but I want a happier, stronger marriage that I will want to stay in. Solutions that anount to living as if I don’t have a husband don’t help much.
The one thing I noticed - you seem to love your husband and everything about him. The one thing you don't love is anything to do with work involving the kids and household management.
So hire a freaking nanny and go on some dates with the man you're still in love with. I don't understand why this is hard.
NP..... My issue with my “perfect” DH is that he wants to outsource everything on his list - cutting the grass, replacing the filters, fixing the fence, and house cleaning for me. I’m sure most women will love this, but for some things it seems wasteful. The items on my list are everyday maintenenace and could not all ”be solved with just getting help. The cleaning people clean the kitchen on Friday, but by Saturday night it’s a mess again....the laundry, the kid care, etc is daily almost. I figured i have a higher threshhold of messiness than He does. So if I wanted something done that was not on his outsourcing list, I’d have to do it myself. Sweep the walkway, pick up the used dryer sheets off the laundry floor, clean bird poop off the mailbox....he just doesn’t see these things or think they don’t matter. So by the end of the day, i am exhausted or bitter. And then I don’t want to be intimate, which makes him bitter, etcetera, etcetera!,
We’re doing counseling and that’s working. It’s through our church so it focuses on the Bible, love, Jesus, grace, forgiveness, etc. we are going on dates and are slowly becoming friendly again. I am seeing that he is not intentionally trying to annoy me and that’s he is just being him. We are talking about the stress of work, and his views on housework, kids, etc. we have separated the chores a little more....it’s still uneven, but we both acknowledge that. We talked through our thoughts on everything - sex, chores, raising and disciplining the kids, Me As WOHM, and division of responsibility . (Somewhere early in there I let him think that I wanted and loved doing all of the house and kid- related chores. Somewhere early he tried too imoress me by talking the “manly” chores, but has little confidence in doing them because of comments I have made in passing)
Anonymous
06/03/2018 13:56
Subject: Help save my marriage
You sound utterly delusional. I know people like you. They ended up separating and are now more miserable than ever. What you are looking for doesn't exist.
Anonymous
06/03/2018 13:52
Subject: Help save my marriage
Adultery, Abuse or Addiction. None of these things exist, OP. No -important- reason not to stay married.
Anonymous
06/03/2018 13:51
Subject: Help save my marriage
Anonymous wrote:DH has been away for a week and I am a bit afraid because I have not missed him as much as I would have liked. He is a kind, hard working, family oriented man. He is devoted to me and our children and never gives me any reason to doubt his love and fidelity. He has a fun sense of humor, is affectionate, and prioritizes fun and relaxation. He is also a good friend, a good son, and a good sibling. He has good values. He listens to my advice and respects my intelligence, including being genuinely proud of my career.
At the same time, he can be very lazy. I work much longer hours than he does and yet have to either do a lot more at home or constantly fight with him to make him grudgingly take responsibility. This makes it very difficult for me to find any downtime. He is also argumentative and defensive, rarely admitting any fault without a huge fight (and if I refuse to have the fight, then he takes that as a concession that he was right). He suffers from anxiety, which makes him do things like set rigid timelines for us to leave home for mundane things like going to the park. He will then become upset and tense when his random “leave by 10” doesn’t happen because the kids delayed us or I had to respond to work emails. And then we have a screaming match.
In the past week, I have been on the hook for drop off and pick up and care of our small children, on top of my bad work hours. I have been scrambling and it has been very difficult, but I realize that doing it alone has actually been easier than having him here arguing with me at every step of the way or being otherwise unhelpful. I have been waking up in a very good mood, humming to myself and going about my business with machine efficiency. I had the sad thought that staying like this and just adding a part-time nanny would be kind of great. It is a thought I have had before, but the past week has given me a chance to see how it would play out and I fear that I am right.
I want to save our marriage because there’s a lot of good here. We have been to couples counseling before and after two months, she was still wasting our time with discussing and we did not see actual solutions. We don’t have the luxury of months and years spent chatting at leisure. One thing I am going to try is being extra kind and understanding and to mentally devote the next week to being accommodating of him in the hopes of starting a virtuous cycle. But that addresses his needs, not mine, and he is not good at reciprocity. There’s a lot to unpack here and I am not sure what to do. I would appreciate any advice because I feel my commitment to this marriage waning.
See bolded above.
" ... argumentative and defensive, rarely admitting any fault ..." when you attack him.
You NEED the book recommended a few posters ago.
Anonymous
06/03/2018 13:49
Subject: Help save my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He needs to treat his anxiety.
Treating his anxiety means ridding himself from his shrew of a wife. Poor bastard, probably volunteered for the business trip.
Anything and everything is because of anxiety these days
Anonymous
06/03/2018 13:48
Subject: Help save my marriage
Anonymous wrote:OP: DH’s untreated anxiety is definitely part of the problem. But we also have basic difficulties getting along that I do not think will change with anxiety. For instance, I would attribute his reluctance to do equal share of chores to having being raised by a SAHM who outright told me that she waited on him and his father hand and foot in order to justify not working. I would say that I contribute by being impatient because I was the typical latchkey kid and grew up doing for myself. Having an adult who is so helpless sometimes really wears on my nerves.
He sounds like a chauvinist thanks to his upbringing. How in the world did the two of you get together? Did you cohabitate before marrying? I don't think he has anxiety- more like irrationality. Your example of him setting arbitrary deadlines when there is no reason to is one example. It's not like you guys need to get on a plane. There is no reason to set a deadline when you're just heading out unless it's to do with weather or other appointments. He sounds like a weirdo. Call him out on his lack of rationality. I call my husband crazy and explain to him why some of his 'rules' are just stupid. You shouldn't fear having to do the same. Some people just need the sense knocked into them.
Anonymous
06/03/2018 13:47
Subject: Help save my marriage
Anonymous wrote:He needs to treat his anxiety.
Treating his anxiety means ridding himself from his shrew of a wife. Poor bastard, probably volunteered for the business trip.
Anonymous
06/03/2018 13:40
Subject: Help save my marriage
For my marriage was very helpful reading this book https://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520620
Wish you the very best for your marriage.
Wish you the very best for your marriage.
Roar
06/03/2018 13:21
Subject: Help save my marriage
Reward him with some amazing sensual activity when he does something "chore" related. Do it unannounced and spontaneous. He'll find other ways to definitely help.
If you're saying, "I already tried that," then get better at it. Or up the game. I will scrub all toilets with a toothbrush once DW offers a special part of her/activity to me.
Up your game or continue in your rut.
If you're saying, "I already tried that," then get better at it. Or up the game. I will scrub all toilets with a toothbrush once DW offers a special part of her/activity to me.
Up your game or continue in your rut.
Anonymous
06/03/2018 12:34
Subject: Re:Help save my marriage
You are going to have to suck it up and do marriage counseling - you need recommendations though on ones that get tactical and not ones that rehash the week over and over again. Ugh.
Where do you and/or work so we can recommend some counselors. I also think thru the counseling you'll get to the anxiety stuff and that may be the conduit to treatment. Sometimes you literally have to lead the horse to water and sit thru couples counseling which is really individual and then the therapist can guide him to the individual treatment.
Where do you and/or work so we can recommend some counselors. I also think thru the counseling you'll get to the anxiety stuff and that may be the conduit to treatment. Sometimes you literally have to lead the horse to water and sit thru couples counseling which is really individual and then the therapist can guide him to the individual treatment.
Anonymous
06/03/2018 12:18
Subject: Help save my marriage
Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m not sure if I’m not being clear, but I want a happier, stronger marriage that I will want to stay in. Solutions that anount to living as if I don’t have a husband don’t help much.
The one thing I noticed - you seem to love your husband and everything about him. The one thing you don't love is anything to do with work involving the kids and household management.
So hire a freaking nanny and go on some dates with the man you're still in love with. I don't understand why this is hard.