No, it took me way to long as well to realize how many horrible my decisions my mom made while putting her extended family ahead of me and her siblings. Sure a lot of it was due to pressure but that doesn't excuse her using us as a sort of meat shield to keep the family happy.

I never really realized it until I was married, moved out, and got 1000 miles between us.

Anonymous wrote:It must be even more difficult for your mother to have found out that you are perfect. I bet she gets on her knees every day and gives thanks that her perfect daughter dains to tolerate her mothet's imperfections.

This is very dismissive of OP's legitimate issue. Parents play such an important role in our lives that their impact is long lasting and far reaching. They shape who we are and how we relate to the world. It's always jarring to find that the people you grew up thinking as infallible are actually fallible. Because of their outsized role in our lives, this realization that they're flawed can also come with an outsized reaction. It's normal.

It must be even more difficult for your mother to have found out that you are perfect. I bet she gets on her knees every day and gives thanks that her perfect daughter dains to tolerate her mothet's imperfections.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, as I'm at a crossroads and going through a tough time. DH and I are working on our marriage and some of our issues have roots in family dysfunction. Both my and DH's parents divorced when we were younger adolescents and put us in positions where we had to pick up a lot of their slack (saying this in the nicest way possible).

We've grown up to be our families' achievers and developed resilience as a result of our earlier challenges, but we have moved away from our respective hometowns and harbor deep reservations about living close to them again. We love our parents, but also realize they are fallible, imperfect adults.

In my experience, becoming parents dredged up some of DH's and my packed-away earlier hurts and resentments that were never properly addressed or resolved. We're hoping to do better for our children than our parents did with us.

It took me a long time to realize my mom is unable to talk about anything emotionally difficult. We are very close in terms of talk regularly, having loving, and when I'm going through hard ties she shows up in her own way (being there physically, calling a lot, suggesting things to do together) but she cannot talk about it in any productive way. It took me a long time to accept this.