Why are you friends with this person? What's wrong with you?

Anonymous wrote:The advice not to mention the affair and all the more the advice to stage a progressive distancing, and the advice to outright gaslight the depressed wife ("cause some navel gazing") sound immoral and sociopathic.

The guy's already a long-term cheater, so his morals are... flexible... and he might as well go all-in on the immorality at this point.

The advice not to mention the affair and all the more the advice to stage a progressive distancing, and the advice to outright gaslight the depressed wife ("cause some navel gazing") sound immoral and sociopathic.

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine being gone for one day, let alone multi-day trips, without DW asking hard questions and at very least being mad that I'm neglecting her and the kids.

Have strenuous job, will travel. I know someone who deployed for 15 months. But his paycheck went from $120K to $450K. Wife was happy until he asked for divorce about 4 months after returning 'home' permanently.

I can't imagine being gone for one day, let alone multi-day trips, without DW asking hard questions and at very least being mad that I'm neglecting her and the kids.

Usually cheaters will tell the spouse that they have been unhappy for some time. Then they make up or highlight some reasonable criticism of the victim spouse. Something that happened a few years ago maybe. Everybody has something. Say that they have been struggling but can’t get over the resentment. You know. Some bullshit. But if done right the victim spouse will do a lot of navel gazing and think he or she contributed to the break up of the marriage.

Boom. Done.

The next time she tells him she feels like they're not connected, he seems distant, or anything like that, that's when he should begin the conversation. Then she'll start putting two and two together, if she hasn't already.

I'd:

A) Pack my bags and everything I value

B) Rent an apartment on a six-month lease at least 2 weeks in advance

C) Tell my spouse on Friday that I'm sorry this isn't going to work and I'll let my lawyer get in contact next week.

D) Give them the weekend to digest and file.

There - solved.

Op here- I clarified it wasn’t me because I don’t have the wife’s story, only his. He has been mulling this for a while and seems unable to ask for a divorce or tell his wife he is unhappy. Yet he routinely goes on multi-day trips out with his mistress/partner, they are in constant contact throughout the day, calls, emails, etc. A small part of me wonders whether his wife actually knows and is playing dumb? How can someone be so oblivious?

For background, this is more complicated by the mistress has twins from her prior marriage, he has one daughter with wife so I have emphasized with him that the kids should come first...honestly I’m not sure what to tell him. I can see he is conflicted. His wife is great too, but he says life is too short to be unhappy? Now he is attempting to figure out how to end it and I have zero guidance...


Divorce coach? Walk out one day? Long conversation about mismatched life plans? Go on Appalachian trail trip?

If I was in his position I would slowly distance myself over a few months, ask for a separation, then ask for divorce.

If you were in the wife’s position, and you do not know about the affair, how would you like to be broken up with?