Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

I forgot to add that my wife and I keep an eye out on each other and when one of us is reaching that point where the popping point comes more frequently, we try to address one or more of the above to try and ease some of the stress. Right now, we are planning visits to see the grandparents. We've decided that the best way for us to get what we need and not completely deplete our vacations is that my wife will take the kids with her and go to visit her mother and brother on the West Coast. I'll get that week home alone to be a bachelor again. And some other point this summer, I'll take the kids with me to Florida to see my parents (and do a day at one of the parks, which they want) and she'll have a week to have the house to herself and not have to worry about the three of us. We both need this and the kids want to see the grandparents and the grandparents want to see the kids. Although it would be nice to go on both trips as a family, it's not realistic and this will give us the side benefit of stress relief for both of us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

I give you points for self awareness but let's subtract points for lack of awareness of your wife's feelings and the effects of your problem - how do your temper explosions affect her stress level?? I guarantee you are like child #2 that she is dealing with. My DH has the same issue with rage and temper, maybe more extreme. He is a ticking time bomb that I have to continuously cater to, does that sound like your wife? It's draining. Making sure he eats, feels happy, rests.

I am the one who always got up in the night with the kids, stayed up all night when they were sick, dealt with homework, feeding, bathing, cleaning - I did it all AND had to deal with an explosive husband. I got tired of using sex as a tranquilizer. It has worn me out emotionally. I also get tired of fetching food and asking him to eat so he wouldn't be hangry. I grew weary of being a cheerleader to offset his dark moods and tired of being his psychotherapist who talks him off the ledge when he loses his temp and starts breaking things.

If you don't get a grip on yourself and your anger and stop being a burden to your wife it will ruin your sex life and then marriage eventually. There is no way to undo the damage you are doing to your family.

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

I forgot to add that my wife and I keep an eye out on each other and when one of us is reaching that point where the popping point comes more frequently, we try to address one or more of the above to try and ease some of the stress. Right now, we are planning visits to see the grandparents. We've decided that the best way for us to get what we need and not completely deplete our vacations is that my wife will take the kids with her and go to visit her mother and brother on the West Coast. I'll get that week home alone to be a bachelor again. And some other point this summer, I'll take the kids with me to Florida to see my parents (and do a day at one of the parks, which they want) and she'll have a week to have the house to herself and not have to worry about the three of us. We both need this and the kids want to see the grandparents and the grandparents want to see the kids. Although it would be nice to go on both trips as a family, it's not realistic and this will give us the side benefit of stress relief for both of us.

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

Anonymous wrote:My husband is so moody and emotional it is exhausting. The hardest part is that it affects his relationship with our five year old son, who he loves dearly but can’t seem to really connect with. When left alone, whether for an outing together, playing, or bedtime, there is always the possibility of the interaction ending badly with my husband over reacting and yelling, stomping away, slamming the door, etc. Tonight bedtime went badly and he has been moping around all night saying how frustrated he is with our son. Yet he does absolutely no reflection on how to improve the relationship. I have tried to offer gentle advice, but I don’t want to lecture him and he rarely seems to want to hear it, so I tread lightly.

I feel bad for our son that he has a father who is so reactive and emotional over normal five year old behavior. I’m also just tired of living with someone who is so negative and helpless. He had seeds of this when we got married, but over the last few years he has gotten angrier, grumpier and less happy. I want a happy life and more than anything I want my son to live in a happy household. I try so hard to give him house full of light and love, but I can’t control my husband’s negative vibe. Just looking for commiseration, advice or thoughts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has to be related to the misery of his job.

Or the misery of his life.

OP paints a happy picture of every decision made in joint unity with equal satisfaction. While at the same is saying her husband is a selfish prick and has been for at least 7 years.

So which is it? He's either a miser who didn't want a child and SAHM or he's an equal partner who isn't as glum as you make it out to be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that may help is to record his meltdowns and replay it at a calmer time. He may be able to see the problem with his behavior if he sees it after the heat of the moment.

I used to start recording when the rages were in full swing. I did it without him noticing. He was embarrassed by his behavior in the videos later, but in the moment he would be a run away train unable to control his rage. It's like he has no ability to see himself as others do.

On time a stranger recorded him in a public meltdown and then posted it on the internet. He was embarrassed but it helped to change his behavior.

So very weird.