Anonymous
05/29/2018 13:15
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Anonymous wrote:When she lives with grandparents, she never misses or talks about us. All she cares about is play, eat & tv at this age. When she lives with us back for 6 weeks, she never misses or talks about grandparents at all (I was surprised). Even grandparents called long distance, she only said hello & a few words, then handed me back the phone & wanted to continue to watch her tv or play with her toys. She is happy as long as either one of us is with her, take her out, and play with her. That is why I am not worried too much about bonding.
Based on this, you should be. If she doesn't miss you and easily goes from adult to adult, not looking back or wondering where you are, the hasn't attached and bonding should be your number one priority.
+1 this is majorly concerning and a huge red flag
Anonymous
05/29/2018 13:15
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Op NO. You are in massive denial about your daughter's wellbeing and coping abilities. Seriously I urge you to seek professional help with this, you are lying to yourself and your daughter will suffer
Anonymous
05/29/2018 13:06
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
When she lives with grandparents, she never misses or talks about us. All she cares about is play, eat & tv at this age. When she lives with us back for 6 weeks, she never misses or talks about grandparents at all (I was surprised). Even grandparents called long distance, she only said hello & a few words, then handed me back the phone & wanted to continue to watch her tv or play with her toys. She is happy as long as either one of us is with her, take her out, and play with her. That is why I am not worried too much about bonding.
Based on this, you should be. If she doesn't miss you and easily goes from adult to adult, not looking back or wondering where you are, the hasn't attached and bonding should be your number one priority.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 13:05
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
My niece lived with my mom for three years before moving back to my sister's house. It's pretty common in our country.
I don't recall any trauma around this - maybe because mom always made it very clear to my niece that mommy loves and misses you, they saw each other a lot, and generally my mom had taught her everything she needed at that age. So it can definitely be done.
I would worry less about enforcing rules from day one and just readjusting to your situation. There is plenty of time to make your own rules.
I don't recall any trauma around this - maybe because mom always made it very clear to my niece that mommy loves and misses you, they saw each other a lot, and generally my mom had taught her everything she needed at that age. So it can definitely be done.
I would worry less about enforcing rules from day one and just readjusting to your situation. There is plenty of time to make your own rules.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 13:01
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I & DH have taken 6 weeks off work alternately back in March & April this year to take care of DD because grandparents' needed to fly back home for family emergencies. DD was fine living with us. She made adjustments quite quickly on something, e.g., napped by herself when DH was with her & I went to work. She ate more different varieties of food with DH when I was at work.
When she lives with grandparents, she never misses or talks about us. All she cares about is play, eat & tv at this age. When she lives with us back for 6 weeks, she never misses or talks about grandparents at all (I was surprised). Even grandparents called long distance, she only said hello & a few words, then handed me back the phone & wanted to continue to watch her tv or play with her toys. She is happy as long as either one of us is with her, take her out, and play with her. That is why I am not worried too much about bonding. Daycare is definitely a total different story, that one I am more scared for her cannot handling it. But, she already meets the teacher, tour the daycare, and meet some kids there for 3 mornings already. And, I have got her to pick backpack & lunchboxes. I am trying my best to get her familiar with daycare, and my friends tell me just do it drop her off at day 1, and don't linger around. I already tell my boss I may come in late the first day of daycare in case she cries excessively.
I understand all PP's worries about the stress that DD would face, and I agree. And, that is why I am trying to sort it out & think of all possible scenarios/solutions before she moves in. I have asked her if she wants to live with mommy/daddy & go to daycare to meet & play with friends, she said yes. But I don't think she gets the ideas that mommy/daddy won't be there. DD is a sensitive child, but let me tell you she is overall a happy child, loves to play with kids, and loves to learn new things.
Oh my.
OP, 3 year olds don't verbalize their emotions-- they display them through behaviors. It's great that she's spent tons of time with you, but was it in your home or the grandparent's home?
You need to understand that though she seems like every other kid, being bounced between families is very stressful for a child, even if they don't express it verbally. This is why a social worker or therapist would be helpful for you to both educate you on what to expect and to help you when she starts acting out (which is the way that stress usually manifests itself.)
Moreover, your friends recommending dropping her in all-day daycare are telling you their experience with children in stable family situations. That is not the same as your child. Get a professional to meet with you and help work out a plan for her moving, day care etc.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 12:54
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
OP here. I & DH have taken 6 weeks off work alternately back in March & April this year to take care of DD because grandparents' needed to fly back home for family emergencies. DD was fine living with us. She made adjustments quite quickly on something, e.g., napped by herself when DH was with her & I went to work. She ate more different varieties of food with DH when I was at work.
When she lives with grandparents, she never misses or talks about us. All she cares about is play, eat & tv at this age. When she lives with us back for 6 weeks, she never misses or talks about grandparents at all (I was surprised). Even grandparents called long distance, she only said hello & a few words, then handed me back the phone & wanted to continue to watch her tv or play with her toys. She is happy as long as either one of us is with her, take her out, and play with her. That is why I am not worried too much about bonding. Daycare is definitely a total different story, that one I am more scared for her cannot handling it. But, she already meets the teacher, tour the daycare, and meet some kids there for 3 mornings already. And, I have got her to pick backpack & lunchboxes. I am trying my best to get her familiar with daycare, and my friends tell me just do it drop her off at day 1, and don't linger around. I already tell my boss I may come in late the first day of daycare in case she cries excessively.
I understand all PP's worries about the stress that DD would face, and I agree. And, that is why I am trying to sort it out & think of all possible scenarios/solutions before she moves in. I have asked her if she wants to live with mommy/daddy & go to daycare to meet & play with friends, she said yes. But I don't think she gets the ideas that mommy/daddy won't be there. DD is a sensitive child, but let me tell you she is overall a happy child, loves to play with kids, and loves to learn new things.
When she lives with grandparents, she never misses or talks about us. All she cares about is play, eat & tv at this age. When she lives with us back for 6 weeks, she never misses or talks about grandparents at all (I was surprised). Even grandparents called long distance, she only said hello & a few words, then handed me back the phone & wanted to continue to watch her tv or play with her toys. She is happy as long as either one of us is with her, take her out, and play with her. That is why I am not worried too much about bonding. Daycare is definitely a total different story, that one I am more scared for her cannot handling it. But, she already meets the teacher, tour the daycare, and meet some kids there for 3 mornings already. And, I have got her to pick backpack & lunchboxes. I am trying my best to get her familiar with daycare, and my friends tell me just do it drop her off at day 1, and don't linger around. I already tell my boss I may come in late the first day of daycare in case she cries excessively.
I understand all PP's worries about the stress that DD would face, and I agree. And, that is why I am trying to sort it out & think of all possible scenarios/solutions before she moves in. I have asked her if she wants to live with mommy/daddy & go to daycare to meet & play with friends, she said yes. But I don't think she gets the ideas that mommy/daddy won't be there. DD is a sensitive child, but let me tell you she is overall a happy child, loves to play with kids, and loves to learn new things.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 12:26
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
OP, you might think of the sleep and eating and toileting issues as symptoms of one larger issue, rather than individual problems to solve. If someone had a rash, and pain, and a fever, you wouldn't just put on cream and take tylenol, right? You'd go to the doctor and treat the infection that was causing all the issues. Your daughter has gone through something traumatic (family separation) and is showing the symptoms of it. Ignore the symptoms. Feed the child what she'll eat, make her feel secure and loved when she sleeps, and let her go to the bathroom where she needs to for now. You may be able to get a doctors note for the preschool. Meanwhile, get yourselves into family therapy and address the trauma. The rest will then begin to fall into place. All the best to you and your family.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 12:24
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Anonymous wrote:All day daycare is so much different than 1 hour class with a care giver. My kids were never in daycare, but spent time at cooperative playgroups. When pK3 came along (8:30 to 3:30) it was a huge drama for the first month at least. Your poor DD. If you can take vacation (even if only a few days) to be with her full time when she first moves back and then start dayare
+1
Will you have any time just as a family before she starts day care? I can’t imagine how hard it will be for her to move away from home, come live with you, and then be in day care all day without you or her grandparents.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 12:22
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
All day daycare is so much different than 1 hour class with a care giver. My kids were never in daycare, but spent time at cooperative playgroups. When pK3 came along (8:30 to 3:30) it was a huge drama for the first month at least. Your poor DD. If you can take vacation (even if only a few days) to be with her full time when she first moves back and then start dayare
Anonymous
05/29/2018 12:13
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Children are not robots that we program to our specifications . They are little people with their own quirks and needs.You don’t know your daughter. You can’t determine what needs to be done until you actually get to know her. Behavior modification is secondary to you bonding with her right now. You and your dh better be sure this new schedule works because it will be more damaging to your daughter to have to go back because you guys decide you can’t handle full time parenting. Please find a therapist to help you figure out a transition schedule and expectations
Anonymous
05/29/2018 11:51
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
This is a sad thread. Please find a social worker to help with this process. You seem to be unable to see the forest for the trees. Picky eating and sleep issues are the least of her problems.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 11:34
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
You might want to read up on attachment disorders. Most people have heard of reactive attachment disorder but there is much more than just that. If you don't consider that in your parenting efforts and goals you may have far worse long term problems than you have now. And just because she appears to have a bond with you doesnt mean that she has a secure attachment.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 11:31
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all helpful tips. I am not planning to make all changes at once, but just want to have a good & firm start on the house rules from the getgo. She is a smart girl, and she behaves differently in front of different people. If I have to prioritize, I would want to target eating habit first (it has been number 1 problem for us & inlaws), secondly potty training (she needs to be potty trained in the next couple months to move on to the next class), and lastly cosleep. DD sleeps by herself in inlaw's house, but she needs me to cosleep with her in our house probably of her insecurities.
DD loves me a lot, but her bonding with DH has room to be improved. And, we promise inlaws we will take DD to see them at least once a month, and it could be a sleepover or a luncheon/dinner or a family outing together. She has not been in daycare before, but she always enjoy to interact with other kids. I have enrolled her to all sorts of classes, but each only lasts one hour or less. I bet she would love daycare at last, but of course it would be a big struggle for her to begin with.
OP I say this with kindness, but having good firm house rules CANNOT be your #1 priority at the moment. She needs to connect and trust first, and that will take some time. Please go and consult a professional so they can help you through this.
+1
Do you have a social worker to help you with this?
Anonymous
05/29/2018 11:25
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Ummm. How about first you work on being a loving and empathetic parent, and understand that you're putting your toddler through a LOT of excess stress, instability and hardship that other kids are not subjected to? She needs to feel love and stability and learn to trust you before you go all drill seargent. I agree you need to seek professional help to deal with this situation, you do not have your priorities right here
Anonymous
05/29/2018 11:19
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all helpful tips. I am not planning to make all changes at once, but just want to have a good & firm start on the house rules from the getgo. She is a smart girl, and she behaves differently in front of different people. If I have to prioritize, I would want to target eating habit first (it has been number 1 problem for us & inlaws), secondly potty training (she needs to be potty trained in the next couple months to move on to the next class), and lastly cosleep. DD sleeps by herself in inlaw's house, but she needs me to cosleep with her in our house probably of her insecurities.
DD loves me a lot, but her bonding with DH has room to be improved. And, we promise inlaws we will take DD to see them at least once a month, and it could be a sleepover or a luncheon/dinner or a family outing together. She has not been in daycare before, but she always enjoy to interact with other kids. I have enrolled her to all sorts of classes, but each only lasts one hour or less. I bet she would love daycare at last, but of course it would be a big struggle for her to begin with.
OP I say this with kindness, but having good firm house rules CANNOT be your #1 priority at the moment. She needs to connect and trust first, and that will take some time. Please go and consult a professional so they can help you through this.