Anonymous wrote:I think it's reasonable to limit things to 1-2x per month.

In regards to the birthday party, I would only go with if it’s a milestone birthday like his niece’s first birthday assuming he doesn’t have 20 nieces and nephews like the guy that posted on DCUM about wife from a big family wanting him to attend nephews’s college graduations. Or if it’s grandma’s 85th birthday and cousins are driving/flying from all over to attend.

The heavy drinking at the gatherings is a different issue that should be addressed. If there are members of his family that you get along with try to see them with DH outside of the big group gatherings and in settings that you are more comfortable in. Like let’s meet his sister Larla and her DH for breakfast or have them over for lunch. This takes heavy drinking out of the equation (hopefully) so you aren’t on edge about that and gets you interacting with his family. Discuss the safety aspect if DH is drinking and driving. Much bigger issue to address if DH is an alcoholic or a child of alcoholics.

Last I checked you are a grown woman and can decide what you want to do.

I think it's reasonable to limit things to 1-2x per month.

I think a lot of parents of adult children forget to stop planning all of their weekends for them. The kids naturally fall into line without even thinking that declining the event is an option. It is more than reasonable that you have your own life to lead and there are other things you'd rather do. There is no obligation to go and you shouldn't be guilted into attending if there is something else that you want to spend your time on.

I hear you OP. My DW's family has to get together every Sunday and then endless kid's birthday's + holidays. To make it worse, they love Trump and every gathering has to include talking about: the NRA, elite liberals, Obama, etc. I like what one poster said about committing to one event a month.

I'm not anti-family and understand that when Aunt Suzie turns 90 we get a cake and when little Timmie has communion we have an event, but at some level it gets to be ridiculous.

Going to the cabin makes your excuse about studying weak. Go to the party. Make an appearance and leave early.

I went through that when I was first married, too. I was expected to attend events with my inlaws nearly every single weekend. It was either someone's birthday or a vague Catholic holiday. (I had no idea St. Patrick's Day was a real holiday, much less something that required my attendance.) I had absolutely no free time. I told my DH that I would commit to one weekend a month to attend an event with his family. He was free to attend as much as he wanted. After a while, it became apparent that many of his family members were also done with the weekly obligations.

Just wait until you have children. DH's family was easy and laid back with us about visiting and then once the kids arrived, that was ALL they wanted. Kids every single weekend, every holiday, and they tried to start family vacations too. Right when we were overburdened with kids they needed more and i had no annual leave after maternity leaves to give them. It's a guilt trip mess and they never visit us. Stand your ground now OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

How long is the birthday party?! Assuming 32 awake hours between Saturday and Sunday, even with an extra long two-hour run each day (4 hours total) and 10 hours of studying, still seems you could fit in a 2-hour birthday party.

4pm. His family tends to drag on these kind of events, so 4pm means show up at 3 and leave at 7 or 8 after DH has had enough cocktails and spent enough time BS-ing with his entire family.

Asking seriously: Are you DH's designated driver at these events, OP?

Yes.

He comes from a family of alcoholics, within his social group and extended family. Part of the reason why I avoid their get togethers, it’s not fun hanging out with drunk people.

Oh, you buried the lead!

That much time with his alcoholic family during which time he drinks a lot is not good--you and he need to talk about *that.*

Set your own limits, sure, say that you won't go to more than one event a month or so--and then talk with him about the dysfunction in his family.

Totally fine to be an introvert and not want to spend as much time socializing as him because you need some time to yourself.

Totally not fine to view them as “his” family and have the negativity that you seem to have towards them. If you have kids, these people will be their family!

How about focusing on being grateful that the person you love has a big family that wants you around and will hopefully be there for you in times of need? Life is long - you need people around you who support you, even if it doesn’t seem like it right now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

How long is the birthday party?! Assuming 32 awake hours between Saturday and Sunday, even with an extra long two-hour run each day (4 hours total) and 10 hours of studying, still seems you could fit in a 2-hour birthday party.

4pm. His family tends to drag on these kind of events, so 4pm means show up at 3 and leave at 7 or 8 after DH has had enough cocktails and spent enough time BS-ing with his entire family.

Asking seriously: Are you DH's designated driver at these events, OP?

Yes.

He comes from a family of alcoholics, within his social group and extended family. Part of the reason why I avoid their get togethers, it’s not fun hanging out with drunk people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

How long is the birthday party?! Assuming 32 awake hours between Saturday and Sunday, even with an extra long two-hour run each day (4 hours total) and 10 hours of studying, still seems you could fit in a 2-hour birthday party.

4pm. His family tends to drag on these kind of events, so 4pm means show up at 3 and leave at 7 or 8 after DH has had enough cocktails and spent enough time BS-ing with his entire family.

Asking seriously: Are you DH's designated driver at these events, OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

It is clear that the main problem is "you don't want to" not "you don't have time".

I agree.

I have a full time job, I coach college XC after work and on the weekends, and I run on my own 6 days a week up to 40 miles per week (I don’t run with the kids). I would say I am more overscheduled than you and I do not feel your DH is unreasonable. It’s one thing to say you just don’t want to or you need some down time. Own it. But don’t give some BS excuse that you don’t have time. You have time. I mean...you’re here on DCUM.

Oh you’re absolutely right.

I do not want to. I have no desire to hang out with his family 3x in one month, I have other stuff I’m occupied with and would rather do.

I don’t feel they are my family. They’re my husbands family. They’re my extended family - sure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

It is clear that the main problem is "you don't want to" not "you don't have time".

I agree.

I have a full time job, I coach college XC after work and on the weekends, and I run on my own 6 days a week up to 40 miles per week (I don’t run with the kids). I would say I am more overscheduled than you and I do not feel your DH is unreasonable. It’s one thing to say you just don’t want to or you need some down time. Own it. But don’t give some BS excuse that you don’t have time. You have time. I mean...you’re here on DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

It is clear that the main problem is "you don't want to" not "you don't have time".