OP, you can't relent when your kid throws a fit. Another poster mentioned that you are relenting because you didn't really think you had a good reason for saying no in the first place. I have certainly been in that situation. But what I do is say, you can't do X now because you threw a fit. If you had discussed this with me rationally and asked me to see your point of view, I might have changed my mind. Do that in the future, I'm reasonable, and I am willing to change my mind. But now, given your behavior, the answer remains no because of that behavior.

How's her vitamin D levels? Those being low will impact your immune system.

My child is very social as well and the max for sleepover is one per weekend. We normally limit sleepovers to two per month.

The fact that you moved here last year, is making you more pliable to give in. If you had nannies, help, overseas, you don't here. And now you are glad she has found so many friends and that is great, and not sad about the move, right? But, if your DD truly is diagnosed with ADHD, and has a weak immune system to boot, that is a recipe for being either sick or exhausted all the time. But, she was probably like this overseas too? Depending on where she was, did she have a ton of friends to play and hang out with? Play dates non stop? Simply, she isn't learning any school management skills now and might start doing poorly in school as she gets older, even if she is doing great now. Kids like yours and mine, are instant gratification ADHD kids, it is good for them to tell them no. Set the rules and enforce them. I did with pretty much the same exact kid. And to add, these same kids that are always the life of the party, it gets worse when they are teens, because you will realize that she is partying and drinking and smoking pot and you thought she was just having fun, and she is just having fun, but by then, she will stop caring about anything else than how she is perceived by her peers, being popular and you will be stunned that your darling baby is out of control teen. Trust me, I know. They are not bad kids, they just can't help the social ADHD aspect. I now track my DD's phone, drive her to DC if she wants to go to a concert, pick her up, but it is easy to go from where you are to "we'll take a metro, or just do this and this and this, and this...." Some kids are perfectly responsible and able to do this all their own, and then some are not and you have no idea where your kid is. You see, I am only presenting you here the pretty extreme scenario, imagine the blow out you have with a 16 year old that was never told no? And, I know ton of other kids whose parents are not even close to aware of just how much drinking and smoking and sex their kids are having. And maybe that is how they want it, if that is how you want it too, disregard my advice. You need to say NO to you kid, it is healthy for both of you.

OP here: to those who suggested allergies -- she's been tested before, she doesn't have any allergies. It's definitely colds.

To everyone who chimed in about their daughters being similar. That's a relief, I suspected that might be the case -- we have a lot of very social butterflies on my mother's side of the family, though I am totally an introvert. All the suggestions about setting specific time limits and creating set school/activity/social priorities are helpful, thank you!

If she's regularly missing school or scheduled activities, I would put a serious halt to her social outings. Priorities are: 1. school, 2. committed activities (i.e. sports) 3. social activities.

If she misses school one day that week, then no social outings the rest of the week. If she misses 4 days of school in a month, then cancel one of her extra curriculars. She'll learn real quick how to prioritize her time.

Anonymous wrote:OP here:
-Yes I agree it's a parenting issue, I guess I was looking for support and advice on how to handle this
-She eats almost no processed sugar or carbs - we mostly cook from scratch and eat fresh fruits and vegetables every day
-She does have a weak immune system, especially a weak respiratory system, that's always been the case. During good times she does fine, but we moved here from overseas last year so I think she's catching all the bugs here before she rebuilds her immunity

Question: any advice on the words I can use to get her to understand the issue and to listen to me better, with less conflict? (Before I get flamed for being a pushover - I'm not a pushover and my kids are quite reasonable in general. I'm just having a hard time dealing with this particular issue, that's why I'm here.)

I hate to join the DCUM flaming chorus - but of course, you are a push over. You set a boundary, your kid cries, and then you break the boundary. That's the definition of push over. Your child is 10, she hears your reasoning. She just doesn't agree or have the wisdom to see the larger picture. No magic words are going to get you through this crying phase when you are start setting limits.

How about you start with a rule that she must be in her room with lights out for X hours per night. If she has a sleepover, then you set a rule on making sure she recovers the next day/night.

Separately, she can choose activities that take her out of the house for Y hours a week. She can chose those activities within the hours, subject to your approval on quality/content, etc.

This reminds of my son’s friends that are good athletes so they just have to play 3 sports per season.

We were accomplished athletes and my kids are as well, but we ha e only ever allowed 1 sport per season.

Everything in balance and moderation—same goes for social and academic activities.

It’s the healthiest thing for them, avoids burnout mentally and physically.

As a parent, it’s your job to regulate her schedule.

My kids would want to go out and stay up late all the time if we let them.

We don’t.

I keep bedtime consistent year-round. A few exceptions here and there for a sleepover or a party at our house/friends, but I always build in recovery time and I never do sleepovers the night before a game (we would pick up early). If a very good friend, they could choose to miss game.

Sleep and nutrition. Two most important things.

My DD who is also 10 is exactly like this. She’s super social, is probably already ready to go to college she’s so independent and ready to see the world. She gets invited to everything, and wants to go to everything. Her best friend lives a few doors down so it’s almost playdated everyday and sleep overs every weekend. Then the birthday parties, movies, carnivals, sports games, etc,

We have to say no to a lot of stuff, because we were never seeing her and it was setting up ridiculous expectations that her life was a Disney cruise full of super fun activities all day everyday and it was also supporting friends and fun over family and rest. At first there were serious tears, but we have had to hold firm. Some examples, no sleepovers two days in a row, once you accept an invitation you can’t accept something better that comes along and cancel, family activities take priority over play dates, etc.

If you think she’s getting run down, you just have to tell her no. She may have a tantrum, but she will live. I’ve been there, stay firm.

You are responsible and your DH. Put your foot down. As for social ADHD, I have a teen DD with it, hyper too. Sounds a lot like yours, no activity is to be passed, life was just like what you describe flight from one activity to another, all of the school was her friends. And she would crash and have a meltdown, depending on her age meltdown would be different. We finally medicated at 15. She is still really active, wants to do everything, but it is a little better now. If I could go back I would have started meds and therapy earlier, she was evaluated at 15, as I think it messed up with her ability to interpret others emotions and develop proper empathy to some extent.
As for what she insists, it is parents job to manage her expectations, and say no. ADHD or not, you are saying yes to avoid her tantrums and hysterics, but if she is like my DD, you forbid one activity, she moves onto another before you finish the sentence. You need to step up and parent your kid. If you don't want meds, then you need better skills of your own so that you are the parent and not a groupie of your social ADHD child.

Anonymous wrote:Running around too much will not wear down her immune system. Not getting enough sleep might, but that's a different issue. Is she not sleeping?

I think you need to consider a couple issues here. One, I think the saying no and then relenting is bad bad bad.

In this case, your reasoning isn't sound enough to say no, so stop saying no and then giving in. Bad bad precedent

Two, why are her colds so bad that you need to take off work to stay home with her. It sounds like more than a cold and some serious issues on your part. Take her to a doctor, get her a full work-up, and see if there's something else going on. Or, you're overreacting to her having a cold

Are her symptoms really severe enough that she can't go to school? She has a fever or is so unwell that she can't physically make it to school? My kids don't stay home with a cold or allergies - fever, something contagious, vomit - yes, but just a cold? No. Way.

Anonymous wrote:This sounds really irrational and mean, but I'm sure there's a good-parenting solution here. My DD, 10, who's a bit ADHD (not medicated) and *very* social keeps pushing herself to the limit with social activities/playtime and then keeps getting terrible colds which a) require husband and me to take days off and stay up at night with her and b) cause her to miss important days at school, sport games, performances. I can give examples but the details are quite tedious -- suffice it to say she insists on going to every single birthday sleepover, playdate, movie invitation she gets, and there are usually 2 of those a week in addition to afternoon playtime with the neighbors. Every time I tell her to stay home and rest she has a crying meltdown and begs to go out, and when I finally relent I end up regretting it the next day.p? She's generally a conscientious kid, gets good grades, wants to attend every soccer practice, and so on, even when she's sick. But she doesn't believe me when I tell her that running around too much will wear down her immune system, and I'm tired of fighting about it all the time (and having to stay awake all night taking care of her.) Help please!

Who’s responsible? Are you serious, OP? YOU ARE! Tell her no. She’s 10, for crying out loud. You don’t have to be mean about it, but you set the limits. That’s your job as her parent. Good grief!

OP, you need to establish rules/norms with regard to playdates, activities, and sleepovers - how many per week or month of each are approved and how long she needs to wait after she is sick before they can resume, etc.

Make a calendar for your kid and help her to visualize - I'd color code playdates, sleepovers, and activities. Update it daily - if an unexpected playdate comes up and she hasn't hit the limit, she can go. If she's already used up the approved allotment, she needs to wait until the clock resets. You need to establish what YOUR limits are for each of these activities and then stick to them, unemotionally.

You can also put some sort of reward system in place that your kid gets if she sticks to the plan without whining/complaining. Establishing these rules and tracking activities will take work on your part, but it is effective.

In what? When I was 10 I didn’t get to go to sleep overs on weekdays and maybe one social event per weekend tops. The rest was homework and family time. You’re the parent. Parent and set boundaries. So she has a fit and you relent every time. That doesn’t work with 4 year olds and sends them a ton of mixed signals and is certainly not working at this age. Maybe drop some extra curriculars. Go for a full physical, maybe there’s a physical explanation, anemia, bad immunity etc.
and you’re responsible! She’s 10! You are the guide of appropriate behavior and you both out in the work.