Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

Why would OP's MIL send OP a Mother's Day card? OP is not MIL's mother. I can't imagine my parents or in laws sending me a Mother's Day card- why? because I am not their mother.

My spouse and I honor our mothers not the other way around. Mother's Day is for remembering your mother or someone who is in a mothering role to you, not just any mom you happen to know.

Because she did ever since I had my first kid until more recent years when it depends on where we stand with her.

She sent you mother's day cards before you had a baby?

Note I said ever since I had my first...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

Why would OP's MIL send OP a Mother's Day card? OP is not MIL's mother. I can't imagine my parents or in laws sending me a Mother's Day card- why? because I am not their mother.

My spouse and I honor our mothers not the other way around. Mother's Day is for remembering your mother or someone who is in a mothering role to you, not just any mom you happen to know.

Because she did ever since I had my first kid until more recent years when it depends on where we stand with her.

She sent you mother's day cards before you had a baby?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

Why would OP's MIL send OP a Mother's Day card? OP is not MIL's mother. I can't imagine my parents or in laws sending me a Mother's Day card- why? because I am not their mother.

My spouse and I honor our mothers not the other way around. Mother's Day is for remembering your mother or someone who is in a mothering role to you, not just any mom you happen to know.

Because she did ever since I had my first kid until more recent years when it depends on where we stand with her.

But it's your MIL who does too much scorekeeping, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

Why would OP's MIL send OP a Mother's Day card? OP is not MIL's mother. I can't imagine my parents or in laws sending me a Mother's Day card- why? because I am not their mother.

My spouse and I honor our mothers not the other way around. Mother's Day is for remembering your mother or someone who is in a mothering role to you, not just any mom you happen to know.

Yes, that was my point. OP has strange expectations and is treating those strange expectations not being met as a grievous slight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

The problem is MIL will not respond to texts or calls when she is mad. She will say they're busy when DH does get in touch. She will not tell you why she is mad. Each time once I realize that there is a problem I have to reach out to find out what it was that upset her or I have to push DH to smooth things over. Initially, I honestly was worried that I did something wrong, so I would reach out so I could correct it. After a while, I realized that she just gets upset if things are not her ideal, or sometimes she cuts me off because she is mad at DH for not coming over to fix the computer or not calling her back or whatever.

And I mention the birthdays and mother's day cards because that was the standard she set when we start dating and later got married. I personally think Hallmark cards are a waste of money but she loves them and would send them for these events plus easter, valentine's day etc. It is weird to have it some years and other years radio silence and no acknowledgement of the cards and gifts that we send.

I wonder if you realize how much the bolded seems to represent your mindset. None of what you've described is remotely a big deal. The idea that you would cut someone out of your life because she once sent you a Valentine's card but no longer does, while trying to also assert that you think cards are a waste of money, is borderline insane. Like, genuinely, not-right-in-the-head reasoning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

Why would OP's MIL send OP a Mother's Day card? OP is not MIL's mother. I can't imagine my parents or in laws sending me a Mother's Day card- why? because I am not their mother.

My spouse and I honor our mothers not the other way around. Mother's Day is for remembering your mother or someone who is in a mothering role to you, not just any mom you happen to know.

Because she did ever since I had my first kid until more recent years when it depends on where we stand with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

The problem is MIL will not respond to texts or calls when she is mad. She will say they're busy when DH does get in touch. She will not tell you why she is mad. Each time once I realize that there is a problem I have to reach out to find out what it was that upset her or I have to push DH to smooth things over. Initially, I honestly was worried that I did something wrong, so I would reach out so I could correct it. After a while, I realized that she just gets upset if things are not her ideal, or sometimes she cuts me off because she is mad at DH for not coming over to fix the computer or not calling her back or whatever.

And I mention the birthdays and mother's day cards because that was the standard she set when we start dating and later got married. I personally think Hallmark cards are a waste of money but she loves them and would send them for these events plus easter, valentine's day etc. It is weird to have it some years and other years radio silence and no acknowledgement of the cards and gifts that we send.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

Why would OP's MIL send OP a Mother's Day card? OP is not MIL's mother. I can't imagine my parents or in laws sending me a Mother's Day card- why? because I am not their mother.

My spouse and I honor our mothers not the other way around. Mother's Day is for remembering your mother or someone who is in a mothering role to you, not just any mom you happen to know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

They don't seem that manipulative? They seem pretty normal. OP on the other hand frankly DOES seem manipulative to me.

+1

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

They don't seem that manipulative? They seem pretty normal. OP on the other hand frankly DOES seem manipulative to me.

If you told me I could have $10,000,000 or to not have to see my narcissistic, overbearing, rude, unappreciative, and downright hateful MIL again, I’d take never having to deal with her again. If you have to ask, you know the real answer.

For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but they don't sound like awful people so you should probably maintain the relationship, anyway.

Be careful what you let your kids witness in how you treat other people.

You are right. I also want to be careful about not having my kids see me being treated poorly or being around people who don't respect me. I want to teach them respect, loyalty and the importance of giving and receiving love.

Your kids should not be audience to any discord with grandma and grandpa. That should be kept behind closed doors. If G&G can't make that happen I would scale back, if they can then I would stick around.

They may not witness it, but not responding to a call or text from me is rude. Not acknowledging my birthday or mother's day when we send cards/gifts and call is rude. The kids also ask why we haven't seen them so I'd need to lie to them to cover it up.

Not acknowledging your birthday? What are you 5? My ILs have never acknowledged my birthday, why would you care about this? And texts? Old people are bad at texting.

If the kids aren't witnessing the 'rudeness' then the idea of watching your kids seeing you be poorly treated is irrelevant. If your kids are asking to see their grandparents then let them see their grandparents. And why do you have to lie? Just say, 'oh we haven't gotten something on the books in awhile, would you like some more mashed potatoes? How was class today?'

A lot of posters on here have MILs that barge into their houses and hospital rooms, that take up their DH's time, that force their entire extended family to celebrate only them on mother's day, that emotionally abuse their children, that manipulate grandchildren against their parents.

You seem to have pretty standard issue slightly overbearing ones. You haven't mentioned anything THAT bad and you want their money. Either accept that you will have to entertain this MILD annoyance in your life for a big payoff or cut them off and accept that you won't get it. This isn't hard. But since your kids are old enough to miss these grandparents and ask for them then ask yourself if you are doing THEM a disservice (not you and DH's bank accounts) by not showing up a few times a year so some QT.

Honestly your in law complaints sound identical to every other poster on this board (you have to remind DH to keep in touch, they score keep about how fair the grandparent time is between your parents and them, they can be sensitive and prickly about perceived slights or favoritism), except your in laws are paying your kids' tuition and possibly leaving you a life-changing amount of money.

Stop thinking you're putting up with oh-so-much for the sake of an inheritance, and realize you're putting up with very run-of-the-mill family issues. Your in laws prefer you spend every holiday with them instead of splitting with your parents? That's not novel or crazy. It's just part of life, managing grandparent expectations (in both directions).
If that's the kind of thing you would cut someone out of your life for, you should realize that you're in the minority.
Most people would just navigate those waters with zero potential inheritance, because that's part of having extended family.