Anonymous
05/10/2018 18:18
Subject: Re:midlife crisis
With 3 kids that's pretty tough. I would stay just for the kids because divorce, and steps really messes the kids up. No one's going to care about someone else's kids like the parents. I've heard it all from friends who have to put up with their visiting step kids. You can't make him change, but he's nuts to give up his family. It's never the same when the kids have to go back and fourth. Many new problems will develop. Why 2nd marriages fail at a greater rate. I know a few good 2nd marriages but mainly many are stuck. Might want to impart that upon him OP. I would also worry about him getting someone pregnant, or getting a STD. You guys may want to talk about him getting a Vasectomy, so he doesn't mess up his life further.
Anonymous
05/10/2018 18:02
Subject: midlife crisis
Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH at home with a sick kid browsing through the forums. Can't help but think..Why are women so nasty to each other? Can't you be supportive of someone who's asking for advice?
How do you know that it's women who are being nasty?
Bella_lee
05/10/2018 17:57
Subject: midlife crisis
@ OP I must say you are a wonderfully patient and very forgiving person and likely a rare gem as well. It baffles me as you rightly said how people sometimes just don't see the good things they have in their life and be content. I think mid life crisis seems to affect men more than women and tends to play out in men cheating which is so sad. Just thinking... is it possible that there is a root issue that your husband is dealing with that is causing this recent ambivalence attitude towards your marriage that might require more counselling to address. I don't know how long it takes for someone to get over a mid life crisis but I do hope your husband sees the light pretty soon and things change for the better in your marriage. All the best.
Anonymous
05/10/2018 08:40
Subject: Re:midlife crisis
Everyone goes through some kind of mid-life crisis or if not crisis anxiety generally in their mid-40's when you can really see what kind of trajectory your career, marriage and life are on. You see that your life is half over and you assess "where am I?". Most people work their way through it but some, like your DH, do something dumb to change the trajectory. If you really want to make it work give him a timetable to get his crap together and to get some professional help. If he can't do it you need to move on because you will end up not improving the trajectory of your own life.
Anonymous
05/10/2018 08:16
Subject: Re:midlife crisis
OP, I'm a 33 year old and married for almost 13 years with kids. I feel for you. You didn't cause this and couldn't have prevented it in this case. Regular sex, still in shape, your relationship overall sounds decent but when you described him as "kind" I disagree. If he was "kind" he would've thought of you and not had the affair. Affairs are a hurtful, misleading and disrespectful. Nobody on this forum can tell you the magical words to save your marriage or if he'll do it again. In a best case scenario, it would be a one time affair that will never be repeated. I recommend counseling only if your DH realizes what he's done wrong because you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Best of luck, OP.
Anonymous
05/10/2018 08:13
Subject: midlife crisis
Realistically, if he's ambivalent about being married to you, I think you need to take a stand. Give him a deadline to make a decision about whether he wants to be int he marriage or not, and stick to it.
Anonymous
05/10/2018 08:05
Subject: midlife crisis
This happened to my cousin. Her husband had a midlife crisis, cheated, and they actually separated for about a year. Their kids were both in college at that point so I suppose that made temporary separation feasible. Of course at the time they didn't know if the separation would be permanent.
To be honest, I am not sure why she took him back. He isn't that great, and she could have met someone else being in her late 40's, very attractive, good career, with kids off in college.
I think women in this situation want badly to preserve the family they have built with their spouse and not abandon the lifetime they have spent together, but in my cousin's case, I don't think it is worth it. Her kids know their dad is a selfish schmuck and actually encourage her to leave him regularly. She thinks the cheating was her fault but it definitely wasn't.
To be honest, I am not sure why she took him back. He isn't that great, and she could have met someone else being in her late 40's, very attractive, good career, with kids off in college.
I think women in this situation want badly to preserve the family they have built with their spouse and not abandon the lifetime they have spent together, but in my cousin's case, I don't think it is worth it. Her kids know their dad is a selfish schmuck and actually encourage her to leave him regularly. She thinks the cheating was her fault but it definitely wasn't.
Anonymous
05/10/2018 07:43
Subject: midlife crisis
This is about the affair fog. And they mention doing the 180. Look it up.
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-get-the-cheater-out-of-the-affair-fog/
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-get-the-cheater-out-of-the-affair-fog/
Anonymous
05/10/2018 07:36
Subject: midlife crisis
Anonymous
05/09/2018 16:37
Subject: midlife crisis
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Good marriage for 11 years, 3 kids, DH in late 40s. We are healthy, good careers, financially secure, have great friends and a generally low-stress life. Lately he is ambivalent, not sure he is cut out for marriage. He also cheated recently and is getting over feelings. Most people on here will just say dump the cheater, but we both have a lot invested in this marriage. Fundamentals are good. We are affectionate, have sex regularly, make time to reconnect, and are kind to each other. Kids are happy and thus far unaffected. Doing the therapy thing. I am patient but also wondering how long does this ambivalence last in middle aged men? I see it everywhere in my social circle (is it a Bethesda thing??). Why can't people just focus on the positive and love what they have? I am not holding back his happiness; always encouraged his personal growth. I don't think our marriage is the problem, but it's all in his head. How long does it take, or what does it take, for a midlife crisis to fade, and for a guy to figure his s**t out?
You wanna know what really sucks about a mid-life crisis?
When you cheat and then you realize it doesn't actually make you any younger and you're still getting closer to being dead every day.
+1. OP, your husband sounds like a man-child. Give him 6 months to figure it out, then if you're not feeling it, separate. Life is too short to love somebody who will look over his shoulder for the rest of your lives. You deserve better.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 18:48
Subject: midlife crisis
Anonymous wrote:Good marriage for 11 years, 3 kids, DH in late 40s. We are healthy, good careers, financially secure, have great friends and a generally low-stress life. Lately he is ambivalent, not sure he is cut out for marriage. He also cheated recently and is getting over feelings. Most people on here will just say dump the cheater, but we both have a lot invested in this marriage. Fundamentals are good. We are affectionate, have sex regularly, make time to reconnect, and are kind to each other. Kids are happy and thus far unaffected. Doing the therapy thing. I am patient but also wondering how long does this ambivalence last in middle aged men? I see it everywhere in my social circle (is it a Bethesda thing??). Why can't people just focus on the positive and love what they have? I am not holding back his happiness; always encouraged his personal growth. I don't think our marriage is the problem, but it's all in his head. How long does it take, or what does it take, for a midlife crisis to fade, and for a guy to figure his s**t out?
You wanna know what really sucks about a mid-life crisis?
When you cheat and then you realize it doesn't actually make you any younger and you're still getting closer to being dead every day.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 18:21
Subject: midlife crisis
How is midlife crisis related to cheating?