I actually don’t think bringing a 6 pack of beer if he shares it is inappropriate. He’s a beer drinker not a wine drinker, so he brings beer. People who bring wine presumably so so in part because they want to drink it. I think bringing a 6 pack of beer is perfectly sociable.

I wish people like you would stop harassing their siblings. Why are you requiring gifts to be given from family to your child, why does he need to bring a $20-$40 bottle wine to a shindig YOU set up.

If this was a restaurant he could order his beer on tap and you would order your wine and it would be fine. Stop assuming people want to participate in your enforced traditions.

He’s saying he doesn’t want to do gifts with you. That’s his decision.

And he doesn’t need to bring stuff to his parents house.

If you want to do those things, it’s your choice.

I cannot fathom having such weird expectations of a close family member. On what planet is a person expected to bring a hostess gift to their own parent's house? (Which is distinct from, say, arranging for a potluck). You cannot expect to be close and loving and gift-giving, then have these weirdo arms'-length social rules at the same time. So weird, OP.

He's a beer drinker, why would you ask him to bring the wine? He doesn't want to drink it, right?

As for the kids' presents, you can stop exchanging, or lower the amount you spend (ignoring expensive things on his list), or continue to spend a lot, without complaint.

My parents and grandparents are like this: gestures, gifts are important to them. It's offensive to them if that bottle of wine is not brought to dinner. I used to be annoyed by it, but now, I just stock up on their favorite items and not only bring them, but also give them to the other guests to give. At least I got them not to give me any gifts.

I refuse to exchange gifts with adults. I have asked, begged, and explained for years to my family that I am simply not interested. End result: my parents and siblings buy me gifts that I have zero interest in, and I buy them nothing. I happily buy gifts for the children in the family, though.

People have different views on gifts. Some people buy stuff, some people prefer to buy experiences. Some people don't see the point. Is your brother someone you could call at 3 a.m. in an emergency, and he would be there for you?

I'd rather have that gift, myself.

Sounds exhausting. My family doesn’t get each other many gifts and my parents would never expect us to bring anything to a family dinner they host! You guys are family. What is with the lengthy analysis, games, rules. I honestly cannot imagine caring about this one iota.

Anonymous wrote:OP: There is absolutely no requirement for anyone to give anyone else a GIFT.

It's a GIFT. Give or don't give if you want.

But there is NO obligations of any kind for your OB to give ANYONE a GIFT if he doesn't feel like it.

it depends on what you mean by 'requirement'. there is no legal requirement for sure. but if you are getting gifts, you should be giving them. it's a part of common courtesy, basic social skills etc.

OP, my brother for some reason stopped giving any gifts to my children and i stopped giving gifts to his son. just cut off your own part. you will feel much better about it.

This is a weird story. He brings beer and shares it. That's not worse than bringing wine.

If it bothers the family so much, don't just give hints, tell him directly like a grown man. Why aren't you giving something to your parents. You don't have to give to anyone else, but give something.

Unless, you know it's one of those family that you know the parents are well off and really don't need anything extra. But, if the parents want it, just give it to them. Contribute to the parents who raised you, unless there are some drama that happened that you don't know about.

Plus, could he be giving all the $ as alimony away?

I agree with PP that the problem here is your parents, not your brother. They sound petty and demanding and cold. He used to buy gifts but now he doesn't. Something changed, and I'm guessing you know what it is, and it isn't because his wife is no longer around or that he suddenly forgot the social niceties he was taught. I'm guessing it has something to do with your parents' behavior.

Stop carrying your parents water. Stop gossiping with them about your brother behind his back. Stop trying to get your brother to fix a problem your parents started or exacerbated. If you value your relationship with your brother, then tend to your relationship with him and stay out of his relationship with your parents. Treat him as you would want to be treated. Warmly disengage from this triangle with your parents. Stop talking about him with them. Talk about other things.

I've never gotten gifts from my brother. We love each other. He is hard to shop for and not a 'things' person. If we talk on the phone a few months from my birthday he will preemptively say happy birthday. He doesn't care if you wish him one/isn't into gifts. It is not a big deal.

If someone has a problem they should say something to him. At this late date, if the parents aren't saying anything, it won't happen. You won't change his behavior.

If the rest of you want to formalize money/gifts with an email chain/the agreed amount and reminders to 'bring cash', go ahead and do so. It's not how I'd want to live.

who cares?

adjust your expectations downwards and get over it