Anonymous wrote:Put some ecstasy in his pancakes.

Lol. I wouldn't do it myself but this is a really good idea. How do you get something like that. I have no idea.

Anonymous wrote:By the way, ecstasy makes you love a barking dog. I highly doubt it indicated anything real he perceived. Your husband sounds like he is going through some sort of crisis. How old is he? We’re there other problems or things going on before this? Is there a major decision coming up, job change, move, did anyone die recently?

He's 40. Is this a midlife crisis? I despise him for putting me through this.

No changes, no deaths, nothing.

He agrees that the ecstasy was a "chemical" love but he says that it is highly addictive and because he did it with her, he's addicted to her even though she had so many issues. He never felt that way with me.

Anonymous wrote:By the way, ecstasy makes you love a barking dog. I highly doubt it indicated anything real he perceived. Your husband sounds like he is going through some sort of crisis. How old is he? We’re there other problems or things going on before this? Is there a major decision coming up, job change, move, did anyone die recently?

I agree. I also think there's more going on with him than you suspect. Has he ever suffered from depression? It sounds like he's in 'escape' mode - my DH gets that way when his spiraling down into a depression.

Put some ecstasy in his pancakes.

By the way, ecstasy makes you love a barking dog. I highly doubt it indicated anything real he perceived. Your husband sounds like he is going through some sort of crisis. How old is he? We’re there other problems or things going on before this? Is there a major decision coming up, job change, move, did anyone die recently?

You’re going to be on an emotional roller coaster as you process information coming in and try to reconcile it with the past. Try not to be too hard on yourself right now. While you wait for your appointment, journal. You have to get it out in a constructive way. And your journal is a judgement free zone.

froggymom wrote:I'm really sorry that you are going through this even though you say you are OK with it. Remember there are children involved in this that will probably not be OK with it. There's a lot of emotional stuff going on here, and I wouldn't try to sort it all out so quickly. You owe it to the yourself, husband and children to see the counselor and try to get to the bottom of the issues. Please just take a step back and give it the time it deserves before making any permanent decisions.

We are doing this. The earliest we can get into a recommended marriage counselor that's covered by insurance is May 30 so we have a couple weeks.

My feelings have been all over the place. I was crying uncontrollably when he told me. Then I calmed down to almost stoic. Then I was angry. Now I almost feel like it doesn't matter.

On top of everything else, he just confided in me that he had done ecstasy regularly with his last girlfriend -- the first and only times he ever did it. Even though 10 years have passed since he did drugs and they no longer stay in touch (she got married and moved on) he still feels addicted to her (not the drug, but her). He says that he "wanted" to feel that way about me but never did. Interestingly, my mother in law hated her, too. And I now think that the reason she hated me and was so controlling of him when we met could have been due to this unhealthy and addictive relationship. She didn't know that they were doing drugs but she did know that he was acting weird with her -- like he hadn't acted before.

When he explained the euphoria he felt around her, I kept thinking "why is he telling me this? Just to hurt me? What am I supposed to do? Go out and buy drugs?" My reaction at this point to us ending this sham marriage is "good riddance!'

But, yes, I understand that I am going to need counseling and years to process this garbage. And I get that there are two innocent kids who adore this loser. And I am trying to be the only adult here.

And I suddenly don't blame his mom for anything. Of course she was insanely concerned about him, called us incessantly, and would be controlling about his food, appearance, job, home, associates. Her son was/is a druggie.

Aaggggghhh.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this even though you say you are OK with it. Remember there are children involved in this that will probably not be OK with it. There's a lot of emotional stuff going on here, and I wouldn't try to sort it all out so quickly. You owe it to the yourself, husband and children to see the counselor and try to get to the bottom of the issues. Please just take a step back and give it the time it deserves before making any permanent decisions.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, divorce is hard.

You will part time parent for the rest of your kids lives. For at least, 50% of their lives your will not be there for. There will be holidays when you don't see your kids. This will be very hard on your kids as well.

I don't think what your DH said is all that unusual. Most married people go through a period like this and feel they made a mistake and/or married for a dumb reason and not love even if they really didn't.

Go to the counselor and get help with communication. Give it more time before you decide for sure on divorce.

What if the period of doubt lasts ten years?

Sorry, I can't relate to any of it.

Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had a controlling mother. So he got a controlling wife. Maybe he is finally seeking his independence.

OP.

Yes, this. That's what I think too. He says it's not true but I am the one who can control his mother so it must be true.

And I'm even the one who demanded that we go to counseling.

I'm okay with his mom seeing the kids every visit. She is very conservative. More like a woman who won't allow piercings or shaved heads or dyed hair. She won't even allow salt, butter, or sweets in her house. The only dessert that she allowed my husband to eat growing up was fresh fruit. She will demand that he shaves his face everyday and tuck in his shirts and insist that he cannot sleep in -- even on the weekends. She is a huge traveler with money so she'll be able to take the kids on exotic vacations but then that will be around our visitation schedule.

Here's the issue:. Can we convert the basement into a separate residence so he can live there during the separation and divorce? We can make a rule of no grandparents at the house, although I don't know how it'll be enforced.

Otherwise, to afford the house, we'll need to rent out the basement to a stranger and we'll miss out on the kids half the time. Am I being unrealistic?

I know a couple who did that. Everything knows, though, that they are not in a sham marriage, but a divorced couple. They did in-house separation, with clear financial and "zone" split. They got divorced and stayed under one roof. The last of the kids is going to college and they are thinking of getting separate houses now. My ex proposed a similar arrangement, but it absolutely didn't work for me. I wanted a clear split and a divorce, so we sold the house and moved into separate residences. We did live in one house until the sale to save money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had a controlling mother. So he got a controlling wife. Maybe he is finally seeking his independence.

OP.

Yes, this. That's what I think too. He says it's not true but I am the one who can control his mother so it must be true.

And I'm even the one who demanded that we go to counseling.

I'm okay with his mom seeing the kids every visit. She is very conservative. More like a woman who won't allow piercings or shaved heads or dyed hair. She won't even allow salt, butter, or sweets in her house. The only dessert that she allowed my husband to eat growing up was fresh fruit. She will demand that he shaves his face everyday and tuck in his shirts and insist that he cannot sleep in -- even on the weekends. She is a huge traveler with money so she'll be able to take the kids on exotic vacations but then that will be around our visitation schedule.

Here's the issue:. Can we convert the basement into a separate residence so he can live there during the separation and divorce? We can make a rule of no grandparents at the house, although I don't know how it'll be enforced.

Otherwise, to afford the house, we'll need to rent out the basement to a stranger and we'll miss out on the kids half the time. Am I being unrealistic?

Yes you’re being unrealistic. Divorce is expensive, messy and sucks. But you have to do it. Rent the basement out to a student. Husband leaves. Better to have kids half the time with functionality then full time with dysfunctionality. Make an appointment with a mediator ASAP.

Anonymous wrote:He had a controlling mother. So he got a controlling wife. Maybe he is finally seeking his independence.

OP.

Yes, this. That's what I think too. He says it's not true but I am the one who can control his mother so it must be true.

And I'm even the one who demanded that we go to counseling.

I'm okay with his mom seeing the kids every visit. She is very conservative. More like a woman who won't allow piercings or shaved heads or dyed hair. She won't even allow salt, butter, or sweets in her house. The only dessert that she allowed my husband to eat growing up was fresh fruit. She will demand that he shaves his face everyday and tuck in his shirts and insist that he cannot sleep in -- even on the weekends. She is a huge traveler with money so she'll be able to take the kids on exotic vacations but then that will be around our visitation schedule.

Here's the issue:. Can we convert the basement into a separate residence so he can live there during the separation and divorce? We can make a rule of no grandparents at the house, although I don't know how it'll be enforced.

Otherwise, to afford the house, we'll need to rent out the basement to a stranger and we'll miss out on the kids half the time. Am I being unrealistic?

Yes, divorce is hard.

You will part time parent for the rest of your kids lives. For at least, 50% of their lives your will not be there for. There will be holidays when you don't see your kids. This will be very hard on your kids as well.

I don't think what your DH said is all that unusual. Most married people go through a period like this and feel they made a mistake and/or married for a dumb reason and not love even if they really didn't.

Go to the counselor and get help with communication. Give it more time before you decide for sure on divorce.

He had a controlling mother. So he got a controlling wife. Maybe he is finally seeking his independence.