Anonymous wrote:It was my kids. When my husband yelled at me at an event at the beginning of the year at our oldest's middle school -- when she was in 6th grade and trying to make friends -- I knew that I no longer had a choice. Our marriage was killing our children. He always had a tendency to yell at me in public -- he knew how much he embarrassed me -- but doing it to our daughter showed me that it was not okay. I had thought it was okay before then. It's surprising what we are willing to endure that we would not think okay if other people endured it.

Good for you for getting out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I should, yet I can’t muster the courage. It’s not financial - I work and make enough money.
It’s the kids. I’m afraid they will never recover.
I’m also a little sad about our life - our friends and community and that aspect.
But mostly I can’t imagine telling this to the kids. They are 13, 12 and 6.

You have to just accept the fact (despite what those in denial have to say about their own divorces) that your children will statistically have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Maybe they wont, but your kids are at a very vulnerable age.

Abuse is the only thing that would make me walk. I also hold my tongue around my kids when it comes to fighting with DH because they are more important than getting thr last word in.

Meh, I have all of those things and my parents stayed together. Don't divorce because of statistics.

Interesting. My best friend has all of those issues too, and her parents are lovely and still married after 50 years!

My own kids survived my divorce quite well. It was eight years ago. They have none of these issues, though of course the divorce was difficult for them. They didn't see it coming. It broke my heart, but I couldn't say in the marriage. There was no fixing the marriage, or my husband. And I could not have predicted it all.

In short, I gathered the courage when I realized my ex was leading a double life. He was also a binge drinker. He was a failure at 40 - something no one could imagine because he seemed so great when we got married. He was a liar. He was compulsive and immature. He was charming when getting his way, and abusive when he was close to getting caught.

Basically was/he is a sociopath who engaged/s in extreme anti-social behavior.

Every divorce is different, just like every marriage is different (happy or unhappy, despite the old expression).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I should, yet I can’t muster the courage. It’s not financial - I work and make enough money.
It’s the kids. I’m afraid they will never recover.
I’m also a little sad about our life - our friends and community and that aspect.
But mostly I can’t imagine telling this to the kids. They are 13, 12 and 6.

You have to just accept the fact (despite what those in denial have to say about their own divorces) that your children will statistically have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Maybe they wont, but your kids are at a very vulnerable age.

Abuse is the only thing that would make me walk. I also hold my tongue around my kids when it comes to fighting with DH because they are more important than getting thr last word in.

Meh, I have all of those things and my parents stayed together. Don't divorce because of statistics.

What makes you leave is intensely personal. But I’ll give you the mechanics of how I made the final decision and pulled the trigger.
I reached a point that I knew it was time to leave. But was terrified to leap into the unknown. Have one tween child and XDH and I had been faking it for so long I knew people would freak the f@ck out when we told them.
I did not discuss ending the marriage with my XDH because I needed to decide on my own. I went to a therapist for 5 months and discussed whether I should (yes) and then the most important thing: how to do it. She talked me through every scenario from him begging and pleading, blaming, anger and helped me memorize lines to say in return. She told me how and when to announce the divorce (kid in school, quiet house, non confrontational and matter of fact). We rehearsed this over and over. It gave me strength.
Next I met with a child therapist and discussed how to tell my DC. She gave me strategies, talk tracks and really sage advise on how to tell DC with his father. My XDH went back to her for more advise on how to tell DC together so we had a united front.
It was through these months of preparation that I got the courage. It was through this strategy that I asked for my divorce and it is going very amicably.
And ignore the dipshit asshat that said you will destroy your kids with anxiety and suicide. She’s a f*cking idiot. If do you divorce well the kids will be fine.
My biggest surprise was that the world did not stop spinning and the sky didn’t fall. And my child and I have made it through to the next phase of life pretty unscathed.
Hope this helps and good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Funny - it was the kids who gave me the courage. I saw my son's face while we were in a huge fight and could envision him watching us for years and how that might affect him as an adult.

Mine too. I just couldn't bear to watch my kids when he was around. After I finally divorced, they were mad at me that I didn't do it sooner. Everyone is happier. It took me about 10 years to do it.

Anonymous wrote:I know I should, yet I can’t muster the courage. It’s not financial - I work and make enough money.
It’s the kids. I’m afraid they will never recover.
I’m also a little sad about our life - our friends and community and that aspect.
But mostly I can’t imagine telling this to the kids. They are 13, 12 and 6.

Your kids will recover. I think it’s important not to project the inner turmoil one is going through in a divorce onto the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the atmosphere at home with your husband is toxic the children will know it and they will be better off in a more peaceful environment.

What is toxic?

Versus bad?

What is abusive?

Versus acceptable?

I draw a line at physical abuse. Physical abuse usually go hand in hand with other anger issues, e.g., throwing objects, emotional abuse, temper tantrum, etc. Been divorced and single 15+ years. Don't see getting married any time soon even as I am approaching an older age. Being alone and in peace is better than the hell hole the marriage was being married to a borderline personality. ("Borderline" is a technical diagnosis near bipolar disorder.) Especially with a kid, the divorce was better.

This is incorrect. Borderline personality disorder, so named because it was once considered to be on the borderline of psychosis, is a personality disorder marked by a lifetime pattern of negative relationships, intense and unstable emotions, self-harm/impulsivity, and identity disturbances among other symptoms. It is very difficult to treat because it's a personality disorder, not a chemical imbalance that can be corrected with medication. People who have it tend to have trouble maintaining stable relationships and are at higher risk for involvement in the criminal justice system.

Bipolar disorder is completely different (though certainly someone could qualify for both diagnoses). It's a mood disorder. People with bipolar disorder experience periods of depression and periods of mania in addition to periods of "normal" mood. It is usually treatable with medication.

True. I was posting on an online forum. This is not an academic peer-review journal. Borderline is not caused by chemical imbalance. It's caused, possibly, by prior abusive relationships and the abused victim becomes the new abuser in a continuation of the cycle. However, my understanding is that the symptoms are very similar, on the milder side of bipolar, including manipulative traits and physical violence. A person can be highly functional; yet, at the same time can be totally destructive and dysfunctional involving, among others, violence. Hence the name "borderline." My divorce proceedings started shortly after after the spouse was arrested for DV and the criminal court issued a restraining order keeping the violent party away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the atmosphere at home with your husband is toxic the children will know it and they will be better off in a more peaceful environment.

What is toxic?

Versus bad?

What is abusive?

Versus acceptable?

I draw a line at physical abuse. Physical abuse usually go hand in hand with other anger issues, e.g., throwing objects, emotional abuse, temper tantrum, etc. Been divorced and single 15+ years. Don't see getting married any time soon even as I am approaching an older age. Being alone and in peace is better than the hell hole the marriage was being married to a borderline personality. ("Borderline" is a technical diagnosis near bipolar disorder.) Especially with a kid, the divorce was better.

This is incorrect. Borderline personality disorder, so named because it was once considered to be on the borderline of psychosis, is a personality disorder marked by a lifetime pattern of negative relationships, intense and unstable emotions, self-harm/impulsivity, and identity disturbances among other symptoms. It is very difficult to treat because it's a personality disorder, not a chemical imbalance that can be corrected with medication. People who have it tend to have trouble maintaining stable relationships and are at higher risk for involvement in the criminal justice system.

Bipolar disorder is completely different (though certainly someone could qualify for both diagnoses). It's a mood disorder. People with bipolar disorder experience periods of depression and periods of mania in addition to periods of "normal" mood. It is usually treatable with medication.

I was going to write something similar. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the atmosphere at home with your husband is toxic the children will know it and they will be better off in a more peaceful environment.

What is toxic?

Versus bad?

What is abusive?

Versus acceptable?

I draw a line at physical abuse. Physical abuse usually go hand in hand with other anger issues, e.g., throwing objects, emotional abuse, temper tantrum, etc. Been divorced and single 15+ years. Don't see getting married any time soon even as I am approaching an older age. Being alone and in peace is better than the hell hole the marriage was being married to a borderline personality. ("Borderline" is a technical diagnosis near bipolar disorder.) Especially with a kid, the divorce was better.

This is incorrect. Borderline personality disorder, so named because it was once considered to be on the borderline of psychosis, is a personality disorder marked by a lifetime pattern of negative relationships, intense and unstable emotions, self-harm/impulsivity, and identity disturbances among other symptoms. It is very difficult to treat because it's a personality disorder, not a chemical imbalance that can be corrected with medication. People who have it tend to have trouble maintaining stable relationships and are at higher risk for involvement in the criminal justice system.

Bipolar disorder is completely different (though certainly someone could qualify for both diagnoses). It's a mood disorder. People with bipolar disorder experience periods of depression and periods of mania in addition to periods of "normal" mood. It is usually treatable with medication.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the atmosphere at home with your husband is toxic the children will know it and they will be better off in a more peaceful environment.

What is toxic?

Versus bad?

What is abusive?

Versus acceptable?

I draw a line at physical abuse. Physical abuse usually go hand in hand with other anger issues, e.g., throwing objects, emotional abuse, temper tantrum, etc. Been divorced and single 15+ years. Don't see getting married any time soon even as I am approaching an older age. Being alone and in peace is better than the hell hole the marriage was being married to a borderline personality. ("Borderline" is a technical diagnosis near bipolar disorder.) Especially with a kid, the divorce was better.

If your husband doesn't hit you but yells at you a lot, is that abusive?

How about if he doesn't yell but calls you a b***** every day?

How about if he doesn't call you any names but gives you the silent treatment?

Anonymous wrote:If the atmosphere at home with your husband is toxic the children will know it and they will be better off in a more peaceful environment.

What is toxic?

Versus bad?

What is abusive?

Versus acceptable?

It was my kids. When my husband yelled at me at an event at the beginning of the year at our oldest's middle school -- when she was in 6th grade and trying to make friends -- I knew that I no longer had a choice. Our marriage was killing our children. He always had a tendency to yell at me in public -- he knew how much he embarrassed me -- but doing it to our daughter showed me that it was not okay. I had thought it was okay before then. It's surprising what we are willing to endure that we would not think okay if other people endured it.

Find a therapist and start an exit strategy. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I should, yet I can’t muster the courage. It’s not financial - I work and make enough money.
It’s the kids. I’m afraid they will never recover.
I’m also a little sad about our life - our friends and community and that aspect.
But mostly I can’t imagine telling this to the kids. They are 13, 12 and 6.

You have to just accept the fact (despite what those in denial have to say about their own divorces) that your children will statistically have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Maybe they wont, but your kids are at a very vulnerable age.

Abuse is the only thing that would make me walk. I also hold my tongue around my kids when it comes to fighting with DH because they are more important than getting thr last word in.

I’m sure this behavior will result in a positive outcome for your kids.