Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His trauma is long term and I’m not sure inpatient would be helpful.
Dad (friend has been divorced since he was a toddler) would abuse his stepbrother in front of him. Mom couldn’t get custody removed because as long as the child is not abused, Dad has parental rights. So low levels of acting out most of his young life. He’s been in therapy for most of it. Within the past 6 months he’s moved to a therapist who specializes in trauma.

She is also working with a county social worker who is the one who put the remove everything plan into place.

Hoping others here had other suggestions.

The county social worker is absolutely wrong. What is going on at school? Could there be more to all of this? If it is bad enough, child may need a hospitalization. Child probably has an undiagnosed or wrongly diagnosed and needs a full mental health and educational evaluation to see what is going on. Dad probably had mental health issues and some are genetic.

It sounds so cruel to remove everything joyful from a kid who is struggling.

My nephew went through this type of thing in 6th grade. The plan was he had to attend some part of the day. For several weeks he went to last period PE only. In the mean time, the school worked with him and his teachers...changed one class, quit choir and, one teacher started letting him work alone rather than in a group (that kind of thing). Over time his day increased to the whole day. He is now a successful 8th grader. Luckily he was a very strong student so the missed time did not matter.

Do not physically force your child..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with a 6th grader who is just refusing to go to school. He has a therapist, a county social worker and is in contact with the school guidance counselor. My friend, his Mom, is a great Mother. He’s had some trauma and is acting out. She has reached out to the team of people who are supposed to be helping her. And so far, no one has been able to give her advice on what to do.

How did you deal with your tween/teen who refused to go to school?

PS- he’s had everything taken away from him-no electronics no toys no friends (as in playing with) and no after school activities or sports. There isn’t anymore she can take away from him.

Not sure, but I do know his mom’s friend posting about it on the internet isn’t helping anything.

Yes...please let the mom deal with this.

15:46 again. Hit post too soon, and forgot to give my other potential course of action.

If the kid was too big for me to physically force to attend school, I would go the inpatient therapy route while searching for a better fit school placement. I legally can force him into that, and if the parent cannot physically, someone will.

If the child's other parent would cause a problem, that would be about the time I'd get a friendly off-duty police officer to come do what I couldn't and physically take the kid to school, because we'd be right back at there being no better options. In which case I would very clearly explain to the kid why I resorted to the cop.

Well, personally, what I would do depends on whether the child has yet hit the puberty growth spurt. If not, some sixth grade boys are still smaller and not much stronger than their mothers, in which case I would quite simply take him to school. Put him into the car (I've done it with a 5th grader, so sixth grade might or might not be extremely different), engage the child locks, drive to school, park and commence getting him into the building.

I'd tell him he has a choice of how he arrives, but not a choice of whether he does. He can either walk in (and I'll be emailing his first period teacher to make sure he arrives where he's meant to be) or I can take him into the building -- whether that's simply grabbing him by the arm and walking him in, or whether he resists so much that it requires me carrying him into middle school like a stubborn sack of potatoes just the way I put him into the car.


Here's more of how I'd discuss this with my kid in similar circumstances:

He's had a lot to deal with in his life, and none of that was appropriate or fair. Yes, this absolutely sucks. But acting out will not fix it, and attempting school refusal is hurting nobody but himself.

If the legal system hasn't provided satisfactory avenues for solving the issue, he and Mom need to just be their own team to get him the best life possible... on Mom's part, that means saving aggressively so that she can afford for him to either move in full time with her (no child support) the day he turns 18 AND pay for at least community college, or to set him up in his own apartment near any college he gets into that he can afford between scholarships he earns & Mom's contributions.

He can leave and never look back the day he turns 18, but only if he's done the work up to that point to set himself up for a promising future. Mom will guide him and help him as much as he can, but he needs to do his part to responsibly shape his desired future. At his age, that's getting the best education he can and using that as his eventual ticket to independence.

Furthermore, the other parental figures in his life may be completely failing him, but Mom is determined not to. She'll fight for him & do right by him in every choice that's hers to make. One of those such situations is refusing to let him become a troublemaker, or a kid with a bad reputation, or a kid whose poor choices have already made his future harder.

School is not optional. Firstly, it's the best thing he can do for himself. Secondly, it's a parent's responsibility to see to it that their kids get good educations.

I'd ask what about school was objectionable, and I'd tell him that I was 100% committed to working with him until a solution acceptable to him, to me, and to applicable other parties legally required to have their input considered. We will try to fix things. I'd promise (and keep my word!) to check in with him frequently and not stop pursuing adjustments/improvements to his school plan until he agrees that it feels acceptable to him. BUT I would also tell him quite frankly that it would likely be a long process, and that while I would keep at the issue until a satisfactory resolution was achieved, his part in all of this was to continue going to school and doing his absolute best at his schoolwork while I worked on a longer term solution. I would promise him weekly progress reports, and require from him/his teachers weekly attendance/behavior/effort/grade reports, and that would be that.

I am unquestionably on my children's side to work through any problems they may be experiencing, but that doesn't mean it would ever be acceptable for them to make shortsighted choices that hurt no one but themselves (school refusal, lack of the strongest possible educational background). In fact, in my view, if I let such a thing be an option I would be completely failing my kid. Kids can't always be the strong ones who do the right things; sometimes they need adults to take choices they can't handle out of their hands, and simply tell them what they're expected to do while the adult works on the big picture issue that was overwhelming them.

People will probably say I'm too harsh or that the child needs a gentler approach that's mindful of his traumatic past. Alright, maybe. I don't claim to be an expert, and obviously no one is obligated to take advice from an anonymous stranger online. One thing I will say, though, is that I had a pretty rocky childhood with some things that would definitely fall under most definitions of trauma... and I figured out right around this kid's age that in my case no one but me would care or help me, and that getting myself off to college was the only way to break out. Kids are tough, especially ones who have been toughened up by life. This one is being a little punk and acting out, sure, but I think when someone sits him down and gives him (1) the truth of his situation -- his behavior is not going to do him any favors -- and (2) a frank discussion of what concrete steps different people are responsible for doing in order to help him progress towards a better situation, he'll likely rise to the occasion. Sometimes the only way out of a messed up situation is to keep your head down, focus on the only things you can control that'll eventually get you some control over your own life, and fight until you break through at the end of a long, grueling effort. Sometimes there are no good answers or soft solutions. Sometimes tough truths and hard fights are all that's available.

Anonymous wrote:Really!?! In patient because he won’t go to school?

No inpatient because he is dealing with extensive trauma that is simply manifesting this way. The treatment is to address the trauma.

Well school refusal plays out this way. Maybe he really can't make himself go. The natural consequence is he will not pass the grade. They may need a different school that can accommodate his anxiety

Punishing won't work. I agree on trying a new therapist. Also, if he's not on SSRI's, that is typically recommended when school refusal is prolonged. The therapist should also be working with mom on strategies. And she should engage with her kid as much as possible and deepen their connection as much as possible. Her kid is feeling terrible about himself (despite how he may act) and he needs to know her love is unconditional.

I am going through this with my ninth grader.....scary stuff....all I can say is find the right therapist. Took us a while, but he is working with someone online and our hope is to have him back in the fall. Focus on day to day improvements. Support him. Show him love. Not a fan of CBT personally, but it works for some. Just not my kid. Good luck.

Really!?! In patient because he won’t go to school?

Anonymous wrote:His trauma is long term and I’m not sure inpatient would be helpful.
Dad (friend has been divorced since he was a toddler) would abuse his stepbrother in front of him. Mom couldn’t get custody removed because as long as the child is not abused, Dad has parental rights. So low levels of acting out most of his young life. He’s been in therapy for most of it. Within the past 6 months he’s moved to a therapist who specializes in trauma.

She is also working with a county social worker who is the one who put the remove everything plan into place.

Hoping others here had other suggestions.

The county social worker is absolutely wrong. What is going on at school? Could there be more to all of this? If it is bad enough, child may need a hospitalization. Child probably has an undiagnosed or wrongly diagnosed and needs a full mental health and educational evaluation to see what is going on. Dad probably had mental health issues and some are genetic.

His trauma is long term and I’m not sure inpatient would be helpful.
Dad (friend has been divorced since he was a toddler) would abuse his stepbrother in front of him. Mom couldn’t get custody removed because as long as the child is not abused, Dad has parental rights. So low levels of acting out most of his young life. He’s been in therapy for most of it. Within the past 6 months he’s moved to a therapist who specializes in trauma.

She is also working with a county social worker who is the one who put the remove everything plan into place.

Hoping others here had other suggestions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm no expert, but I'd focus on his recovering from the trauma way before I'd worry about him missing school. Taking away all his stuff just seems cruel.

+1

+1000

Anonymous wrote:I'm no expert, but I'd focus on his recovering from the trauma way before I'd worry about him missing school. Taking away all his stuff just seems cruel.

+1

Some of the public schools have small "school refusal" programs. In order to get admitted, the child has to have a diagnosis and an IEP. So, that's one route. If after getting an IEP, the school doesn't have an adequate program, private placement might be an option. Another option is to look into more intensive mental health treatment like a partial hospitalization program, maybe followed by an intensive outpatient program that works on school reintegration. Most of the programs I know of are short term, such as Adventist Behavioral Health. But there is a long term one called Northstar in Rockville. I have heard that it is highly regarded.

Regardless of what road your friend decides to take, I strongly recommend that your friend seek an IEP. Mental health issues aren't something that just go away. My son has an IEP due to mental health issues and the supports and services provided are the only reason that he is able to go to school right now.