Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My friend did this:

If her kid was going to a party, both parents ALWAYS drove the kid (even after the kid had her own car). Even though she would first verify (WITH the parent!) that there would be a parent in the home of the party, there was often NO adult at the house when the party started. So they went home.

Even parents who you knew and trusted will lie to you.

Your job:
Trust, but verify. Always.

+1

We call the parents of the teen throwing the party.

Once we did that and they said they would be home. At dropoff, I had a bad/"off" sensation, so a half-hour later I texted DC and told him he needed to leave. I picked him up. He was furious.

Several hours later, the cops busted the party and issued a bunch of citations.

And that taught him what? Mom runs his life. If he stayed and got the citation maybe he actually would have learned something. It is not a parents job to eliminate anything bad that can happen to kids. It is parents job to teach them to make good choices on their own and learn from their mistakes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think what my parents did was objectively right, especially by today’s standards, but I’ve turned out well and never got into trouble. I don’t recall having any particular rules. No curfew, I was allowed to work PT during HS (some of my friends weren’t), I traveled on some weekends for my sport by myself or with my sibling (like we would drive 4-5 hours away and stay in a seedy hotel by ourselves (at 16 and 14). Little academic pressure, never asked about homework. In retrospect all a little strange but I managed to get myself into a top SLAC (which they paid for), and later an ivy grad school (which I paid for).

This was my life exactly.

I was an easy kid and a good kid naturally. They didn't need tons of rules because I always did the right thing naturally. I was the teen who was always the DD for my friends because I took not drinking before 21 very seriously. (Well, at least until college)

They had no idea of what classes I was taking or my grades until it was report card time. I'd hand it over and get the standard, "well done! Where would you like to go eat for your celebratory dinner?" Their college guidance/interest was pretty much just writing the check for the application fee when I asked for one. They allowed me to go on an epic spring break road trip to tour colleges up the East Coast with my (coed) friends.

That does sound very similar! Even the road trip. I traveled with a co-ed group of friends twice senior year. But we were all pretty straight laced, and it turned out that 2 of the guys are gay (maybe our parents knew more than we did at the time!). And same on college apps. I did them myself, selected the list myself (except there was one school my mother flat out said she wouldn't pay for so I didn't apply there).

I do think that a little more guidance would have been helpful although in some cases I just think they didn't know any more than I did. I sometimes took the hands off approach as lack of interest rather than trust.

I didn't have parents when I was a teenager, but I do have two kids who are in their 20's now and can tell you what they've appreciated:

- we balanced letting some thing slide with having expectations (you must come out of your room for dinner but fine, you can keep your hat on)
- we met them where they were. For a year the only way to talk to my DD was to get Starbucks and go for a walk, so I did. For a year the only way to talk to my son was to play basketball in the driveway, so I did.
- we helped with things we knew they were capable of doing. Both kids were fully doing their own laundry by 7th grade. But in high school during midterms and finals, we would do their laundry for them, just to make their lives a little easier.
- we helped their friends when they got into pickles. What? Your random friend went to meet a guy an hour away and is now stuck and can't tell her parents? SURE, we'll go pick her up! It meant a lot to our kids. I once packed lunch, complete with an "I love you, have a great day!" note for my son's friend when his girlfriend broke up with him and he couldn't be sad around his parents because they hadn't liked her to begin with.
- we let them control their looks. You want to dye your hair a color that will wash out your face? Sure! You want to wear jeans with the back pocket half ripped off? Sure! You want to dress like a slob to a religious service? Sure! We made sure they were prepared to deal with whatever reactions they would get from the public, and let them do it.
- we would pick them up from anywhere (actually, we would still do this).

My parents were parents. They weren’t best friends. We had very strict rules and consequences for breaking them. I respect and love my parents for that. Sure, there were times I didn’t want to open up to them about things, but it didn’t damage me. It’s made me be an organized, punctual, respectful, ambitious adult.

I didn’t run the house. If my mom didn’t like certain styles of clothes, I didn’t get them (no baby tees, no tight satin prom gowns). I had to keep my grades over a 95 (we had 0-100 grade system) or I was grounded the entire next quarter until I raised the grades again). If my parents had plans, they didn’t rearrange them to accommodate my wants. And they went on a date night every Friday!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the main thing my parents did right was to know me well enough to understand how best to supervise me. That meant that they did not impose many hard and fast "rules" (like curfews) and they recognized that they could trust my judgment. Because they did, I developed even better judgment. A different sort of kid would have required a different sort of parenting.

I think this is the very best approach.

Reading this, I realized it's what I think my own mom did (my dad died when I was young). I was the classic "good kid" who wanted to please her and my teachers, and though she didn't gush about that fact, she reinforced my wanting to be that kid by doing very quiet but clear things to show she trusted me. Randomly during senior year, when we could leave campus to have lunch, she would hand me some cash at breakfast and say, "Take a friend out to lunch today on me." No speeches about where to go or being sure to return to school on time. And the one time I was going to a prom at another school and asked her (good kid...) what time I should be home, she looked at me and said, "I've never set a curfew for you before, so there's no need to start now."

She was very affectionate without being effusive and showed her trust by...trusting me. She also parented the kids she had, as the saying goes; my brother was totally different, a live wire and the classic troublesome teenager and he got curfews and was reeled in hard when he started getting close to some real trouble with friends. He now says he's glad. But we were parented very differently, I now see, and it worked for each of us.

So, OP...know your kids. And with some kids, you can "set rules" without necessarily having to go around stating them In All Capital Letters, All The Time. I knew what the "rules" were -- do as she and my grandmother (the other adult in the household) asked, be in charge of my own schoolwork, and most of all just ASK. Ask if I can go over to a friend's house and tell her what time I'll be back; ask if I can sign up for this or that at school or over the summer, ask for help if there's a problem. Just ask.

Very little other than some wonderful times at a country property we had. We were the ultimate "free range" kids and I do think that was good. They did provide food, shelter and clothing and siblings for me but no real life guidance other than showing me some things I didn't want to do as a parent.

Made me get a job to pay (or contribute payment) for things I wanted. They still paid for what I needed.

Anonymous wrote:
My friend did this:

If her kid was going to a party, both parents ALWAYS drove the kid (even after the kid had her own car). Even though she would first verify (WITH the parent!) that there would be a parent in the home of the party, there was often NO adult at the house when the party started. So they went home.

Even parents who you knew and trusted will lie to you.

Your job:
Trust, but verify. Always.

+1

We call the parents of the teen throwing the party.

Once we did that and they said they would be home. At dropoff, I had a bad/"off" sensation, so a half-hour later I texted DC and told him he needed to leave. I picked him up. He was furious.

Several hours later, the cops busted the party and issued a bunch of citations.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think what my parents did was objectively right, especially by today’s standards, but I’ve turned out well and never got into trouble. I don’t recall having any particular rules. No curfew, I was allowed to work PT during HS (some of my friends weren’t), I traveled on some weekends for my sport by myself or with my sibling (like we would drive 4-5 hours away and stay in a seedy hotel by ourselves (at 16 and 14). Little academic pressure, never asked about homework. In retrospect all a little strange but I managed to get myself into a top SLAC (which they paid for), and later an ivy grad school (which I paid for).

This was my life exactly.

I was an easy kid and a good kid naturally. They didn't need tons of rules because I always did the right thing naturally. I was the teen who was always the DD for my friends because I took not drinking before 21 very seriously. (Well, at least until college)

They had no idea of what classes I was taking or my grades until it was report card time. I'd hand it over and get the standard, "well done! Where would you like to go eat for your celebratory dinner?" Their college guidance/interest was pretty much just writing the check for the application fee when I asked for one. They allowed me to go on an epic spring break road trip to tour colleges up the East Coast with my (coed) friends.

They were involved in my school and in my life. They always welcome all of my friends into my house (we took on many friends that were kicked out of their house). They came to every school event I had, we had family dinner every night.

Honestly I struggled some my senior year and then took a gap year before college. I got into drugs but I had signed a contract with my mom that I would go back to college after one year off. And I did it. When my parents noticed I acting out and struggling they did everything in their power to help me. They got me into counseling, with a great therapist.

I think they did all they could to keep me off from drugs, it didn't work, but they gave me the strength to realize there was more out there and to pull myself out of addiction. So really they just gave me a strong foundation that gave me the skills to get out of a bad situation when I was in one.

Anonymous wrote:I think the main thing my parents did right was to know me well enough to understand how best to supervise me. That meant that they did not impose many hard and fast "rules" (like curfews) and they recognized that they could trust my judgment. Because they did, I developed even better judgment. A different sort of kid would have required a different sort of parenting.

I think this is the very best approach.

I think the main thing my parents did right was to know me well enough to understand how best to supervise me. That meant that they did not impose many hard and fast "rules" (like curfews) and they recognized that they could trust my judgment. Because they did, I developed even better judgment. A different sort of kid would have required a different sort of parenting.

They did very little right. Emotionally distant, divorced, missed huge red flags. Still, I turned out ok. Ended up in top 5 law school. My takeaway is that so much of what happens to a kid has to do with the kid, not the parents.

Anonymous wrote:I had no curfew and my parents had one basic rule. I needed to keep them informed where I was, who I was with and what I was doing. The logic was that if I didn’t want to tell them, I probably shouldn’t be doing it. Lying would have resulted in things like a curfew or certain activities being off limits (going to college house parties to see punk bands).

The only other rule I recall was not to drive drunk / intoxicated and not to ride with anyone who was drunk / intoxicated. I always knew I could call them.

I grew up in a college town with plenty of access to alcohol and drugs and I didn’t drink or smoke until college. I hung out late at night in the basement of bars or in college rental houses watching bands play and was friends with “bad kids”. Yet I was first chair for my instrument, valedictorian, 3 varsity sports and a club president. I got a great scholarship to a private university. If you had looked at me in high school with my dyed hair and Hot Topic fake Goth / punk clothes, you would not have guessed I was actually more like Tracy Flick in Election than the stoner/ burnout I looked like. I am glad my parents supported me being me while still helping me keep my eye o the prize - college, scholarship, etc.

I’ll add that the way my parents explained the one main rule to me was that it is about respect and being part of the family. For example, my mom doesn’t leave the house without saying anything. She says “I’m going to the store, I’ll be back in an hour, does anyone need anything?”. My parents taught me that telling people when you’ll be home, asking if you need to be home at a certain time for a family event, or informing my parents in advance when I will need a ride or need them to attend something at school was just basic respectful behavior and how we all get along as a family. I am an only child and my parents and I had this culture of mutual respect starting when I was in high school. I had a lot of autonomy and in some ways my relationship with my parents was similar in those years to my relationships with roommates in college and young adulthood. We all had our own job / school, our own car, did our own laundry, and took turns cleaning up, grocery shopping and making food for the house. I had a much easier tradition to independence than a lot of my peers. I am always amazed how my husband’s parents still treat their 3 adult kids as kids at ages 30-40. My relationship with my parents feels more like we are peers and friends.

Gave me space and made me get a job. LOL. But actually, yeah. People from my first job in the early 90s are still way better friends to me than people I went to college with or work with now.