Anonymous
04/16/2018 13:42
Subject: If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why did you get married so young in the first place? I don't know anyone in our social circle (except grandparents) who got married in their twenties or earlier.
Really helpful, thank you! Do you feel good about yourself for sharing that?
And...no one in this scenario got married earlier than their 20s(?)
Honestly, if that's the case OP they couldn't have been married for more than 3-5 years then. I'd be mad if I contributed any funds to their wedding but you know your children better than any of us, so.
Do you always put your money ahead of your children’s well-being?
When its 10s of thousands of dollars, I'd question if my child had put any thought into the person they were marrying before they said 'I do'. Because if they had, this wouldn't be happening.
You are really wrong. So I suppose I needed to date my ex longer (2 years) have a longer engagement (1 year) have us become more fully integrated into each other’s family and lives (couldn’t be more possible) invest in a house, have two children. Be there in love forveach other for over ten years before she grew inexplicably cold and distant and told me she loved her affair partner?
You live in a bubble. You can’t discern all that will occur in the future.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 13:39
Subject: If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
"I'm so sorry baby, what can we do to support you guys?"
Anonymous
04/16/2018 13:22
Subject: If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
My 20-something child is married (no kids, college degree) to someone who has caused division in our family. So, if they were to divorce, I'd ask my child 'Are you ok? Can I help in any way?'
I would not miss the spouse in any way.
I would not miss the spouse in any way.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 13:19
Subject: If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why did you get married so young in the first place? I don't know anyone in our social circle (except grandparents) who got married in their twenties or earlier.
Really helpful, thank you! Do you feel good about yourself for sharing that?
And...no one in this scenario got married earlier than their 20s(?)
Honestly, if that's the case OP they couldn't have been married for more than 3-5 years then. I'd be mad if I contributed any funds to their wedding but you know your children better than any of us, so.
Do you always put your money ahead of your children’s well-being?
When its 10s of thousands of dollars, I'd question if my child had put any thought into the person they were marrying before they said 'I do'. Because if they had, this wouldn't be happening.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 12:30
Subject: If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
If there are children in the picture, I would make sure they understand the financial and logistical reality of divorce.
Then I would ask them to take some time off and reconsider.
Then I would ask them to take some time off and reconsider.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 12:23
Subject: Re:If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
Anonymous wrote:I reacted to the first one with an amazing amount of sadness. The second child was left and traumatized when the spouse had an affair. It has been a tough 7 years after both had meaningful relationships with their spouses and beautiful ceremonies. I hope they will be happy in the future.
I think you have posted this before. It's sad but you are right, hopefully with time healing these divorces, they will be able to move on into healthy marriages if that is what they want.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 11:01
Subject: Re:If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
Anonymous wrote:I'd be in a listening mode until my child finished all that they had planned to say given that they certainly would have come prepared. If I had had previous concerns about the spouse I wouldn't say I told you so but I would focus on what to do next especially if there were children involved. If I really liked the spouse and it wasn't a fidelity issue I would suggest steps to work through the issues - counseling....whatever. I would do my best to be a calming influence and an advisor and avoid dictating here is what you need to do. The child in an adult and needs to make his/her own decisions.
Stop. Do not tell your adult children "what to do next". When my husband calls his mom he can barely stand to speak to her because she ALWAYS has advice, tells him what to do, how to handle situations. It is hurting their relationship, even though he stops her immediately and tells her he isn't looking for advice.
If you adult child doesn't ask for your input, don't volunteer it. Let them work out the situation on their own.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 09:23
Subject: Re:If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
Anonymous wrote:I'd be in a listening mode until my child finished all that they had planned to say given that they certainly would have come prepared. If I had had previous concerns about the spouse I wouldn't say I told you so but I would focus on what to do next especially if there were children involved. If I really liked the spouse and it wasn't a fidelity issue I would suggest steps to work through the issues - counseling....whatever. I would do my best to be a calming influence and an advisor and avoid dictating here is what you need to do. The child in an adult and needs to make his/her own decisions.
This is way to logical for DCUM! They will immediately assume someone cheated and throw them under the bus.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 09:13
Subject: If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
I would listen and try not to offer advice unless asked. Be supportive. If you think it is a mistake, I think it is okay to tell them your reasoning (in a nonjudgmental way) and leave it at that. Once you've said your peace, then it is time to just listen and accept their choices.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 09:10
Subject: If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
OP, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My kids are in ES, so my perspective isn't the one you're seeking, but I wanted to suggest considering what it would be like to know your child was in a miserable marriage, or making the life of their spouse miserable. I'd mourn the loss of what a beautiful marriage could have been, even if the reality were different. Then, I hope I could help my child move past the pain, or prevent mistakes in the future by being a good listener.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 09:07
Subject: Re:If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
I'd be in a listening mode until my child finished all that they had planned to say given that they certainly would have come prepared. If I had had previous concerns about the spouse I wouldn't say I told you so but I would focus on what to do next especially if there were children involved. If I really liked the spouse and it wasn't a fidelity issue I would suggest steps to work through the issues - counseling....whatever. I would do my best to be a calming influence and an advisor and avoid dictating here is what you need to do. The child in an adult and needs to make his/her own decisions.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 08:35
Subject: If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why did you get married so young in the first place? I don't know anyone in our social circle (except grandparents) who got married in their twenties or earlier.
You don’t know anyone who married in their 20s? How odd.
+1 I am 27, grew up I. Westchester, NY and have split my adult life betweeen NYC and DC (all this to say I am not from the Midwest, South, etc) and have plenty of friend my age who are married.
If you think people from Westchester and DC who get married in their 30's don't later get divorced at rates comparable to people from the South who get married at 26, you are in for a very rude awakening.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 07:58
Subject: If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why did you get married so young in the first place? I don't know anyone in our social circle (except grandparents) who got married in their twenties or earlier.
Really helpful, thank you! Do you feel good about yourself for sharing that?
And...no one in this scenario got married earlier than their 20s(?)
Honestly, if that's the case OP they couldn't have been married for more than 3-5 years then. I'd be mad if I contributed any funds to their wedding but you know your children better than any of us, so.
Do you always put your money ahead of your children’s well-being?
Anonymous
04/16/2018 07:44
Subject: If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
If they were in their late 20's I wouldn't be shocked because it means they likely got married too young, so it's not a shock when those relationships fail.
If they were in their late 30's the math would be different and it'd be a different conversation one in which I'd encourage them to try to make it work if they thought they could. I'd support them either way.
If they were in their late 30's the math would be different and it'd be a different conversation one in which I'd encourage them to try to make it work if they thought they could. I'd support them either way.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 07:08
Subject: If your late 20s/early 30s child told you they were getting divorced, what would your reaction be?
I'd probably give them a hug and say I'm sorry and I love you.