Anonymous wrote:How do you do this? I've read this advice before when people (including myself) talk about drama with in laws such as passive aggressiveness, comments about their spending too much time with "my" family, must be nice to travel so much, etc. Or even outright rude comments or actions such as not acknowledging me, talking behind my back or doing something hurtful and not acknowledging it, etc. Can you give examples of how to act "dumb and cheery"? What do you say or do when these examples I've described occur?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am usually sarcastic and talkative naturally so when we visit the ILs and i am more quiet or just polite, my DH sees it as me 'not being myself' and as a dis to his parents.
Never mind that anytime I am "myself" they take offense as say I talk too much, am too prying (just asking about weekend plans, movies they have seen etc). Even being nice and not overly open, they complain and feel I talk too little, don't ask enough about their lives, seem distant. You really can't win.
I have just learned to grin and pretend I am having the best time of my life. The kids moderately enjoy visiting them so I try to make it fun for them at least.

Oh geez. Yes, this is me too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep conversations light and shallow, and divert if anything gets serious or they bring up a topic I don't wish to discuss. "Oh, that's interesting! Hey, how's [random distant cousin residing in different country] doing, didn't she just have a new baby?" "Really? We'll have to think about that one." I also do not and will not visit without my husband present.

No no no-you don’t ask questions or show any interest. That is not in alignment with happy and dumb.

Anonymous wrote:I keep conversations light and shallow, and divert if anything gets serious or they bring up a topic I don't wish to discuss. "Oh, that's interesting! Hey, how's [random distant cousin residing in different country] doing, didn't she just have a new baby?" "Really? We'll have to think about that one." I also do not and will not visit without my husband present.

Anonymous wrote:I am usually sarcastic and talkative naturally so when we visit the ILs and i am more quiet or just polite, my DH sees it as me 'not being myself' and as a dis to his parents.
Never mind that anytime I am "myself" they take offense as say I talk too much, am too prying (just asking about weekend plans, movies they have seen etc). Even being nice and not overly open, they complain and feel I talk too little, don't ask enough about their lives, seem distant. You really can't win.
I have just learned to grin and pretend I am having the best time of my life. The kids moderately enjoy visiting them so I try to make it fun for them at least.

Anonymous wrote:I am usually sarcastic and talkative naturally so when we visit the ILs and i am more quiet or just polite, my DH sees it as me 'not being myself' and as a dis to his parents.
Never mind that anytime I am "myself" they take offense as say I talk too much, am too prying (just asking about weekend plans, movies they have seen etc). Even being nice and not overly open, they complain and feel I talk too little, don't ask enough about their lives, seem distant. You really can't win.
I have just learned to grin and pretend I am having the best time of my life. The kids moderately enjoy visiting them so I try to make it fun for them at least.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The dumb is another way of saying “disengaged.” This advice doesn’t work for ILs who are openly hostile, but for most families passive aggression is how people are mean to one another in person. That means that the literal words they said are not hurtful, only the context and subtext make it hurtful or critical.

The advice to “act dumb” is another way of saying that you should be deliberately obtuse and refuse to see/hear/acknowledge any negative subtext. It robs the passive agressor of their power, because PA is meant to hurt your feelings while maintaining plausible deniability (“All I said was...”). If you refuse to respond to the subtext, then one of two things will happen: they will stand there and look baffled and the conversation moves on, or they will escalate into open hostility and reveal themselves. In the first case, it keeps things pleasant enough that your kids and spouse can enjoy time with these family members even if you don’t. In the second case, it may ruin the event but in such a way that you are not viewed as the bad guy. If you go the traditional route of responding to each PA comment, you run into situations where YOU look like the jerk.

The “cheery” part is again about managing how YOU look to your spouse, kids and other family members. If you give flat or grumpy sounding responses then it seems plausible that you may be antagonizing the problem IL. If you are consistently a ray of sunshine, then the problem IL looks like they are insane when they take umbrage at your *perfectly innocent* reply ro their literal questions/comments.

So:

“What an interesting dress.”
Responding to subtext: “What is that supposed to mean?”
Responding to literal meaning: “Oh thanks! It’s really fun, isn’t it?”

You’re still giving Larla breast milk?
Responding to subtext: “Our pediatrician says it’s fine and please don’t question our choices.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Yep.”

You are so lucky to have a husband who makes dinner every Friday. How nice of him to slave over a hot stove every single week. I always had dinner on the table when I was raising my kids.
Responding to subtext: “Just because you were a slave to your children doesn’t mean it’s right.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Really? What did you like to cook?”

This is exactly how you do it. In fact, this is what I did last Christmas. My ILs could have died. In the weeks after the holiday, they tried to tell my dh about how I was the problem, but they couldn't come up with any real examples of what I had done or said that was a problem, because they were the ones being assholes and I didn't take the bait. My responses didn't feed into their nastiness. For example, my sil grabbed my dd's reborn-like babydoll and went on and on about how ugly the doll was and she couldn't believe that someone (me) would waste their money on such a horrible looking thing and kept saying, "Oh my God, who actually paid money for this trash!?". All of this in front of my dd who still believes in Santa. Yes, she is a miserable bitch. My response was this:. Oh, I just think she's the cutest babydoll I've ever seen. You know, I actually think she looks uncannily similar to dd. Dd just loves her so much. Santa got it perfect this time, with my help of course!

Though it was grating that night, I feel accomplished and so good about how I handled myself to this day. It's almost like it reset the course of my relationship with them. Before I never responded to the snubs and other negativity now I'm sure they don't want to be put on the spot like that so they avoid me, which is great.

Anonymous wrote:See them less

Don’t discuss anything at all. You don’t talk unless spoken to, and then you act cheerful about everything that is said.

If you do say anything, it’s only regarding your immediate surroundings (e.g., weather, food you’re eating).

You don’t ask them questions or show interest in their lives or try to connect. You say very little.

This defies everything I’ve ever known about how to be a good guest, but it works with my in laws.