Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry if I wasn't clear--yes, her email/communications so far have not been "enjoy hosting, but I will be staying here with my friends," they have been, "here are all the reasons we need to have Thanksgiving as a family here at my house as usual." She is trying to make us come to her. If she were just not coming, but understood that we are hosting here and having other family here, I would not be frustrated.

This helps. Thank you for clarifying.
Stand your ground. Be prepared for her working your husband on the side.

I think this situation is hard for others without controlling MILs to understand. When my DH and I to decide to host a holiday, I fully expect to have to do exactly what OP is doing. We would have to plan early, expect the guilt trip and just hope that they change their minds. My ILs also have lots of elderly friends that they host at holidays and make holidays quite the production with parties before and after, so I totally understand where you are coming from.

Honestly OP, like some other PPs have said, you just need to hold your ground. You've done all you can do (inviting their friends, giving ample notice, etc.) and the ball is completely in her court. I would just make sure you've got DH on your side and go forward with your plan. It sounds like you have a lovely group of people who have committed and even if your MIL stands her ground and misses out on the Thanksgiving you are hosting, it will hopefully lay the ground work for the fact that she cannot host every holiday for the rest of your lives.

OP here. Sorry if I wasn't clear--yes, her email/communications so far have not been "enjoy hosting, but I will be staying here with my friends," they have been, "here are all the reasons we need to have Thanksgiving as a family here at my house as usual." She is trying to make us come to her. If she were just not coming, but understood that we are hosting here and having other family here, I would not be frustrated.

Yeah, OP, please clarify--did her email say, "I understand that you are hosting, but please understand that I am not attending," or did it say, "I don't accept this, and everyone needs to come to my house, and here's why I still need to be the host"?

This makes a huge difference in my response.

Anonymous wrote:Team MIL on this one. She is doing the right thing in not leaving her friends in the lurch. They have their plans, you can have yours. Everyone wins!

I think you are being unfair to think the MIL should ditch her friends and I think you are making too big a deal about MIL coming to yours. You've got a bunch of guests and lots of enthusiasm. Enjoy your T day and let MIL enjoy hers!

Can you not read? It's not that OP's MIL has said "enjoy your hosting, but I can't leave my friends, so I'll be hosting here for just them," her email apparently explained why she still needs to host--as in expecting OP not to host, but to attend her event.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team MIL on this one. She is doing the right thing in not leaving her friends in the lurch. They have their plans, you can have yours. Everyone wins!

I think you are being unfair to think the MIL should ditch her friends and I think you are making too big a deal about MIL coming to yours. You've got a bunch of guests and lots of enthusiasm. Enjoy your T day and let MIL enjoy hers!

They have SEVEN months notice; that's hardly leaving them in the lurch. Leaving them in a lurch would be cancelling the day before.

Seriously. Who makes Thanksgiving plans in early April? Oh wait: OP’s MIL and OP.

Um, OP's MIL is clearly the type who has a death-grip on hosting. In seven years of OP's marriage and five years of her BIL/SIL's marriage, only ONE Easter was celebrated not at the MIL's house! If OP had her druthers, this would probably be a quick chat in September or October.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team MIL on this one. She is doing the right thing in not leaving her friends in the lurch. They have their plans, you can have yours. Everyone wins!

I think you are being unfair to think the MIL should ditch her friends and I think you are making too big a deal about MIL coming to yours. You've got a bunch of guests and lots of enthusiasm. Enjoy your T day and let MIL enjoy hers!

They have SEVEN months notice; that's hardly leaving them in the lurch. Leaving them in a lurch would be cancelling the day before.

Seriously. Who makes Thanksgiving plans in early April? Oh wait: OP’s MIL and OP.

Enjoy your warm, full house at Thanksgiving with family. If she chooses a quiet day with just friends, OK. If she feels lonely and complains about her choice, oh well!

Anonymous wrote:Team MIL on this one. She is doing the right thing in not leaving her friends in the lurch. They have their plans, you can have yours. Everyone wins!

I think you are being unfair to think the MIL should ditch her friends and I think you are making too big a deal about MIL coming to yours. You've got a bunch of guests and lots of enthusiasm. Enjoy your T day and let MIL enjoy hers!

They have SEVEN months notice; that's hardly leaving them in the lurch. Leaving them in a lurch would be cancelling the day before.

Anonymous wrote:Team MIL on this one. She is doing the right thing in not leaving her friends in the lurch. They have their plans, you can have yours. Everyone wins!

I think you are being unfair to think the MIL should ditch her friends and I think you are making too big a deal about MIL coming to yours. You've got a bunch of guests and lots of enthusiasm. Enjoy your T day and let MIL enjoy hers!

Yeah, except I bet a box of donuts that MIL will bitch about not seeing her children and grandkids at Thanksgiving because uppity DIL “stole” them.

Anonymous wrote:Such drama. Is it really this important?

But it’s April and we have to get our crystal and fine china out!!!!

Such drama. Is it really this important?

Anonymous wrote:No, nothing you can do. You can host thanksgiving but you cannot force particular people to be your guests. If I were this couple, I couldn’t imagine traveling hours to visit the children of my friends, so I get that part. Maybe you can celebrate thanksgiving on a different day and have the. Come. China, etc. can be used anytime. My family is very flexible about when we celebrate occasions due to conflicting priorities, in-laws, etc and we think it’s more important to be together than that it be on a particular day. We did “thanksgiving” in early December and exchanged Christmas gifts in early Jan. It was all good.

NP here. I would be ok with this if it meant I didn't also have to go to another thanksgiving that the ILs hosted. But if I hosted thanksgiving with ILs on another day, and ILs still hosted thanksgiving on thanksgiving in order to have their friends there, I would be supremely annoyed if they expected us to also be there.

I think the problem is that you and your husband said you “want to host your in laws for Thanksgiving for once”. The problem is that you can only invite, you can’t make it happen. You can refuse to travel for the holidays - like you I have children, so I get that! - and you can offer up for your home, but you can’t make them appear in your home on a particular day just because you would like it. Thanksgiving doesn’t appear to be a holiday your MIL wants to travel for given her friends, and you should accept that. If you want to have them over, it’s going to have to be a give and take for which dates they can make it. That may mean Easter again.

You can still host, you can still host Thanksgiving. Just not with them on that date, and as frustrated as you may be, it’s not fair to be angry with MIL over her choice. And you should ignore any of her anger over yours!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa OP—your post title says that your MIL is “mad.” You’ve provided no evidence. Sounds like she’s come up with many reasons as to why she can’t come, but nowhere does it say she is “mad.”

You’re being a drama queen and trying to control everything. Your MIL hasn’t responded the way you wanted, you’ve decided to make her out as the b*tch who is mad about Thanksgiving in April. Not cool.

What, you want me to post her email? You want to be on speakerphone for the calls? She gossiped to my BIL’s wife about it, and she told us and used the word mad. Luckily, she gets where we’re coming from, as she has been married for five years and hasn’t hosted any major holiday with us!

So what's the issue then? She doesn't come, you don't need to be aggravated by her. Everyone is happy. The end.