Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you. The schools are mostly privates, 3-7 hours away. So, it means more money on hotels and missing class (for him) and work (for me). I agree that more "data" at this point though (especially overnights) are valuable bases for his decision.

I think it is hard for my DC to let go of caring about grades so much. But, I am trying to explain (without adding pressure) that his future academic home is more important at this point than high school classes. I am trying to emphasize that we are in an enviable position: schools want to wine and dine him now, in hopes of gaining his acceptance. I am trying to frame this part of the process as an acknowledgement of his hard work and strong individual characteristics.

I wish my kid had these problems. He's never seemed to care about his grades that much. Consequently no school is wining and dining him, so you're lucky! On the other hand, my DS isn't stressed and tried, lol. Although he still has to decide what school he wants to go to.

Honestly - good for him. He will get into a school and will be fine. Where you go to college does not matter. Some of these kids have no social life for 4 straight years over studying, over stressing, under sleeping, and extremely unhappy inside. Then they get into their dream school and realize most of the other kids there are so much smarter without all the work. Then the stress, all-nighters, no social life continues.

My main recommendation to my child? Go to a college where you can have a balanced healthy fun life while being able to get good grades. Live a little. You will never get these years back and they are priceless.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can blame the OP all you want..but the system has become toxic to teens whose childhoods have ended on this note.

You can’t change the system but you can change how you as a parent help your child navigate it. It is almost always the crazy parents who are the root cause of the problem and the child becomes the victim. People need to examine their own behavior, the motivation behind it and the impact that it is having on their child.

Generalize much?

It’s a generalization to characterize the process as toxic for children. Neither of my DC had any issues because they were smart and spread activities over time, applied ED and were lucky enough to be admitted. Hysterical parents are the real source of toxicity.

Well there are plenty of smart kids who don’t have rich enough parents to apply ED. And many that do apply ED get deferred or rejected - even smart one. You are so ignorant to think you are some great parent because your kids got lucky. It is called entitlement.

Anonymous wrote:Raise your hand if your senior is tired & stressed...

My junior sure is and it sucks. I almost wish all colleges demanded a gap year or community college. All you hear is that the kids are depressed, anxious, struggle on their own, have no common sense, adult critical thinking skills etc... once they start college - compared to years before. Everyone is so caught up in gpa, test scores, and the perfect blend of EC’s that they are forgetting to raise these kids to be happy independent adults. It is lost.

Anonymous wrote:Any tips from parents of seniors or reflections of what you would do differently? I have a h.s. junior and have realized this year that the more selective colleges I imagined are likely not gonna happen for this kid so...I want to back off a bit but also not cause her to miss out on good college opportunities. What did you do, wish you did, regret you did with your senior during this college admission process? Any tips?

I think part of backing off has to be accepting that there may be some missed opportunities as a result and making peace with this because your kid will still be okay. I'm not the parent of a senior yet, but I've spent a lot of time with my high-school senior niece over the past year, and her current state of mind is nothing like what people are describing here. I don't know what the difference is, but I suspect it might have something to do with the fact that her parents backed the hell off during the college application process. They offering help when it seemed relevant/appropriate but didn't pressure her to accept it. They accepted the fact that if she didn't take it seriously she might not have the same options she would have otherwise, but decided to let that play out because a kid who doesn't get their act together to get their applications done properly might be better served taking a gap year and trying again than being pushed into something they're not ready for. She dropped the ball on some stuff along the way and maybe she otherwise would have gotten into some schools she didn't, but right now she is happy, relaxed, enjoying the process of visiting the three schools she's choosing between, and proud of herself for accomplishing it (even though she might have had even better schools to choose from if they'd micromanaged her all along).

I think it's also worth thinking about the precedent all of this sets for adult life, for the importance of maximizing achievement at the expense of your mental/emotional well-being. Just look at the relationship forum with all of the people talking about their relationships falling apart and parents hardly ever seeing kids and just being miserable, and how it correlates with high professional achievement. How many of those adults do you think were given the message growing up that it was okay to achieve less than their full academic potential if taking it back a notch would be better for their mental health? How many of those people were allowed as kids to get a B instead of an A because they'd spent what could have been study time instead having a family game night, hanging out with a friend whose parents were going through a divorce and she wanted some company, or volunteering to take care of horses at a local stable in exchange for riding lessons because being around horses made her happy and brought her peace when everything else was getting stressful?

Anonymous wrote: Believe it or not my kids were heavily influenced by the Facebook group set up for admitted students at the various universities. They seem to learn more about possible activities on campus, housing options, majors as well as connecting with other potential students at the University. It may be that walking around the campus is not necessarily the best way for your student To figure out which college she wants to attend

Everyone is tired. And some of your DC's friends (like my DD's friends) are disappointed at where they didn't get in. And some are still truly undecided (or want to go elsehwre than where their parents want them to go).

And let's not even get into APs, finals, prom, summer jobs, and leaving home. We all have rose-colored memories of high school years, and they will too, but it takes perspective to build those

Chiming in on the Facebook thing though, in hopes that some college admissions folks somewhere are lurking on this thread -- my DC doesn't use Facebook (doesn't even have an account, never has) and none of her friends do either.

"That's for parents and old people" (i.e., 20-something college admissions staffers)

I think it's sweet that the schools want the new freshmen-to-be to reach out and connect -- but wouldn't Instagram or Snapchat (yes I know the new version is ugly, but still...) be a better (or at least an alternate) route for this?

I know my DC is much more favorably disposed toward the one school on her list that actually set up an Instagram tag for all the incoming freshmen...(many of them are already following each other)

Just a thought

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can blame the OP all you want..but the system has become toxic to teens whose childhoods have ended on this note.

You can’t change the system but you can change how you as a parent help your child navigate it. It is almost always the crazy parents who are the root cause of the problem and the child becomes the victim. People need to examine their own behavior, the motivation behind it and the impact that it is having on their child.

Generalize much?

It’s a generalization to characterize the process as toxic for children. Neither of my DC had any issues because they were smart and spread activities over time, applied ED and were lucky enough to be admitted. Hysterical parents are the real source of toxicity.

So would we all, OP.

We should have a different system in place. This one is terrible.

Psychologist perspective here:
I think many parents remember college in really positive ways and can't believe their kids aren't more excited at its onset, but it is a huge transition and a time of stress due to that change. Parents may smooth over the rough parts of college in their memories.
Students know they are supposed to be all excited etc. but it's intimidating to be making such a big change. I don't know if it's as much anything particular about "the system" and stress as it is a rather natural process to be unnerved about entering a new developmental phase of life.
Also, I think some kids harbor fantasies about transforming themselves in college and making a new impression when they arrive. If they go to admitted students days while they are still "themselves" in full high school mode they pop that fantasy a bit. It's easier to think "I need to stay focused on school" and "I'm tired of hearing about college" than to delve into their sources of anxiety.
My advice to parents in OPs position would be to follow your child's lead, don't chastise them (implicitly or explicitly) for feeling in ways that don't align with your expectations (instead focus more deeply on why you hold certain expectations and whether they are problematic), but remind them of --and hold them accountable--to their responsibilities--which are to continue succeeding in school and to prepare for college. Thus, pose admitted students day as their responsibility to assess their school rather than as a "fun" thing or as a reward for their work. (Then when they likely find it fun, they will be pleasantly surprised and feel more competent and ready. And if they don't find it fully fun, they won't feel like a loser--rather that they did the responsible thing of assessing a potential school and had mixed feelings about it).

Next up: The first semester/year of college is often marked by a lot of loneliness and anxiety. That our society puts college as a huge prize and the 'best days of life' only makes kids feel more like losers when it isn't immediately the case. Many colleges try to help with this transition, but it is a vulnerable time. Parents can help by empathizing with the stress--perhaps delving back more genuinely to the difficult parts of your own life transitions--and remember how and why things got better. It can be hard when college costs so much, but growth by definition shouldn't be free of stress.

My DC got into her first choice EA and was done, but Senior year was still a drag because friends were so strung out. I vote toxic process. DC skipped admitted student event (thought, accurately, she knew what she was getting into from summer visit). Enjoyed class Facebook page.

For parent of junior. Things that helped my DC were reduced courseload fall of Senior year and minimal APs. But whether those things are advisable depend on where your DC is at at the end of jr year (in terms of GPA, rigor). Also loaded up on fave subject Senior year so courses were intrinsically interesting.

Anonymous wrote:As a senior I remember feeling exhausted that my reward for hard work was 4 more years of hard work...

LOL. Let's not forget grad school/Phd or professional schools after that.

As a senior I remember feeling exhausted that my reward for hard work was 4 more years of hard work...

Anonymous wrote:This is perfectly normal. All college bound kids are tired and totally toasted at this point. But there is no magic pill for cure. He will have to hang on for another month or so. Been there, done that. Good luck.

Fortunate are the students and their parents who were successful with their SCEA/ED choices and were done by mid Dec. They can breath and relax a bit the rest of the school year. For now I can only dream we will be there two years from now. I also know we may have to be prepared for roller coaster time till the decision date. I understand OP's angst and her/his DC's emotional state.

Believe it or not my kids were heavily influenced by the Facebook group set up for admitted students at the various universities. They seem to learn more about possible activities on campus, housing options, majors as well as connecting with other potential students at the University. It may be that walking around the campus is not necessarily the best way for your student To figure out which college she wants to attend

Anonymous wrote:I hear you. The schools are mostly privates, 3-7 hours away. So, it means more money on hotels and missing class (for him) and work (for me). I agree that more "data" at this point though (especially overnights) are valuable bases for his decision.

I think it is hard for my DC to let go of caring about grades so much. But, I am trying to explain (without adding pressure) that his future academic home is more important at this point than high school classes. I am trying to emphasize that we are in an enviable position: schools want to wine and dine him now, in hopes of gaining his acceptance. I am trying to frame this part of the process as an acknowledgement of his hard work and strong individual characteristics.

I wish my kid had these problems. He's never seemed to care about his grades that much. Consequently no school is wining and dining him, so you're lucky! On the other hand, my DS isn't stressed and tried, lol. Although he still has to decide what school he wants to go to.

My senior is tired and stressed because of what he didn't do last fall, last summer and last spring.

Instead of starting early and doing a little each day toward the college process, he pulls all nighters to write essays, finish college apps and then dragged us on a 6 state tour of accepted colleges over his last two senior breaks.

All of this put him behind in classes so he pulls more all nighters and sleeps through class making getting decent grades even harder. It was never going to be easy.

I am hoping that when he looks back over senior year he will gain some insight into how he needs to plan his time better.

If he doesn't college is going to be worse.