Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:32     Subject: how pissed should I be?

The reality is that they are not such good friends to your family.

It may be the wife's fault, and that she has personal issues, is already busy, doesn't have room for you and your family...
And it may also be that your best friend is not going to fight to see you now he's married and has additional obligations.

Who knows. The bottom line is that you need to accept this relationship is not going to be the same as it was. Perhaps you can see your friend, just the two of you, during a quick get-away. Perhaps he can come and visit you at home?
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:30     Subject: how pissed should I be?
Ok OP. I am going to be less harsh than other posters but I agree that you need to get a grip.

You and BF were BFF. You both got married and it turns out your post married lives aren't totally in line to end up with you being BFF for life. Your friend got married and he will rightfully choose her over you, just like you should rightfully choose your DW over him if the situation presents.

His wife, for whatever reason, is not compelled to take vacation to visit you. That's a bummer. It is sad when, as we age, friendships that seemed like they would last forever change in ways we didn't quite predict. New people come in and out and things just change. That is life.

I do think that because this was an annual trip that BF and his DW owe you all an apology. It is one thing to shell out money before confirming, it is another to do it in anticipation of a trip they have done many times and softly agreed to this year. But the reality is that they can choose how to allocate $$ and vacation days. There is a lot more going on in a couple's life than one of their friends' new babies.

I for one don't think this is much about your baby. Although I'm confused why you care so much that BFDW meets the baby. It appears that BF is the important person to have met the baby. I think it sounds like they are starting to distance themselves from you a bit and make you more of a 'friend' then a 'friend that is more like family.' Like I said that is hard and sad but it happens at this stage in life and you need to decide if you're cool with the new reality or if it makes you angry enough to not want to be in the friendship at all anymore.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:29     Subject: how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:Hey DCUM, I've got a bone to pick with my best friends' wife and I'm wondering how pissed I should be.

Context and Details:

-About two months ago we planned our bi-annual trip to meet up with them in September, catch a game, and hang out on labor day weekend. BF wife has not yet met our young son, and they would be meeting up with us fresh off our move to the aforementioned city. We usually always meet up in the fall to visit.

-BF wife has always been a bit frosty, hard to get to know, especially for "strangers" like my wife. BF wife has a very hard time making friends with other women, for a host of reasons I don't really care to examine. It is an important factor in her behavior, imo. My wife is a very outgoing, friendly person who tries to engage everyone...and this woman is just kinda cold to her, still. They obviously are never going to be best friends, which is sad because my wife would certainly let that happen if BF wife were even remotely interested in being friends.

-During our initial planning, BF said they were "on board" and were just waiting for airline tickets to drop. I gave them some time and was patient about it.

-I reminded BF a few weeks ago about airplane tix, and he said he was "on it". In the interim, wife and I purchased game tix, reserved AirBnB, etc....which we admittedly shouldn't have done without confirming BF and wife were actually going.

(you know where this is going....)

-Today I asked BF about their preferences for game tickets and he finally told me the truth that wife "wasn't all about it because she might have an obligation for work and is nervous to ask off". More context is that these two fly all over the country, all year long, doing marathons. They have gone to Disney literally 5 times this year.

I know I'm being a baby about this but my wife and I are very disappointed and frankly, my feelings are hurt and I'm angry at both BF and the wife.

I also know that we shouldn't have made arrangements without actually confirming with them first. I just don't understand why BF wife doesn't want to meet our kid and see our new hometown over what could be a really fun weekend.
Frankly I'm tired of all of us working around her schedule and travel preferences, and I think this is going to have a long-term impact on my friendship with BF.

TLDR: Best friends wife doesn't want to travel for our annual trip, BF didn't tell us until now, and they've left us in the lurch. Should I let this impact my relationship with or expectations of BF?




So, let me get this straight.

- You and DW and child are moving to a city (P.S. you use "aforementioned" when you previously mention something. You never previously mentioned city so don't use aforementioned. Just helping you not make this mistake when it matters)
- you invited BF and his wife to come to your city so they'll be spending traveling money etc. while you're in your new home town not traveling or having to spend travel $$.
- You don't like BFDW and it's clear that there's a "frosty" vibe when the 4 of you have gotten together before (and you acknowledge that BFDW doesn't like your DW either)
- You want this trip so BF could meet your new baby (this is obvious since you talk about BF meeting your baby a few times in your OP)
- Now you're upset because they aren't all super psyched to come.


To answer your question? You should hardly be pissed at all. Sounds to me like you want them to be jumping through all these hoops just to meet your kid when they don't have kids of their own, and the relationship between the 4 of you is tenuous to begin with.

they're not that into you.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:27     Subject: how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you don't really like her either, so I'm not sure why you are so fixated on this being a couples' get together. My DH and I go on girls/guys trips without each other pretty much annually, and that's without disliking each other's friends. Just meet up with him without her and don't worry so much about whether she doesn't like your wife or is jealous of her.


OP here
I mentioned in an earlier response that this is a couples' trip that we plan every year. Hence the "fixation", which was actually just a "plan".
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:26     Subject: how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:Why the obsession got people to meet your kid? How weird. I have very close friends who haven't met my kids. I have no desire to meet theirs.


OP here
No obsession on my part or my wife's, and some important context would be that BF wife has said repeatedly how excited she is to meet kid.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:24     Subject: how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:OP here
I think the "disdain" that I am projecting on my BF wife is more a product of my emotions in this current situation rather than any actual bad feelings I have toward her.

I am growing frustrated with her for not being more considerate of BF and us.

I don't have disdain for her, just really frustrated by her lack of consideration and desire to be part of the group.

I actually think she has disdain for my wife, who has never done anything wrong to her.


No. Your disdain for her is that she doesn't like everything you like, including your wife and your kid. The BF's wife may not be feeling this trip at all and that is okay. I don't blame your BF though for being evasive with you because he knows you will pin it on his wife and he doesn't want to hear that. Find another time for you to hang with him one-on-one.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:24     Subject: how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to go on a couple's trip with the other couple's kid. That ruins pretty much any nighttime activity after 7pm. No clubs, dinners, bars at night, dancing, you name it. I also wouldn't want to eat dinner early or retire to the hotel early to have to accommodate a kid. I have an 18 month old too.


Op here

We are all in our mid/late 30s so we're not going out to bars late or dancing. Plus she doesn't even drink or party.

As I mentioned above, we are handing off the kid to my in-laws on Friday and Saturday nights, anyway.


OMG, OP, can you possible be this dense?


OP so how am I being dense?
I was trying to explain that any late night or dinner activities, etc wouldn't be impacted by the kid being there.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:22     Subject: how pissed should I be?
OP here
I think the "disdain" that I am projecting on my BF wife is more a product of my emotions in this current situation rather than any actual bad feelings I have toward her.

I am growing frustrated with her for not being more considerate of BF and us.

I don't have disdain for her, just really frustrated by her lack of consideration and desire to be part of the group.

I actually think she has disdain for my wife, who has never done anything wrong to her.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:22     Subject: Re:how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You don't have a bone to pick with the wife - you have a bone to pick with your BF. For now, take them off of your travel together list. It sounds like he was waffling from the beginning.

PS - it means nothing that they have been somewhere else this year. There could be anything planned for work during that time - a software standup, some sort of all hands on deck thing, rumors of layoffs, whatever. And it's clear you don't like her, just FYI, so she knows.


Op here
I think you are right with the bone to pick with BF, but you are definitely wrong about me not liking her. We were VERY good friends for a long time, but she has been distant since I got married. She doesn't like my wife, and for no discernible reason.

I also disagree that it means nothing that she can travel wherever and whenever she wants all year, and that dictates their schedule. That's not fair, and again, I think that's on BF to step up and not let her decisions override everyone else's plans.


What? She doesn't owe you a single day of her vacation time. How can her deciding where she wants to go on vacation with her husband be unfair to you? You're getting stranger with each post.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:21     Subject: how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? She may want kids and can't and its hard for her to be around kids.

Or, she doesn't like you. I don't like my husband's BF and his wife and they don't like me (they like me more now but I don't). He's extremely difficult to be around when he's parenting and very controlling of everyone and their style does not match ours.


OP here
No kids. They aren't trying to have kids for at least another year. They are 5+ years younger than us.

She has known me for 10+ years and professes to like me, even used to talk with me regularly on the phone before I got married.
I think she doesn't love my wife, but I think there are issues with her interactions with women. I have a feeling she is intimidated by my wife, who honestly has a stronger look and personality than BF wife.

I just had visions of us all traveling together and having fun, but I guess BF wife just "isn't about it".


Really? As someone who is probably similar to your BF's wife, I doubt that's it. My DH has some good friends where I can be cordial and friendly to the wife, but I'm not going to be best friends with everyone. And it's not because they have a stronger look and personality than I do. You can't force people to be friends, and I personally wouldn't want to travel on Labor Day weekend to spend time with people I'm not genuinely friends with. I also wouldn't really care about meeting your baby. I can see photos just like everyone else. I definitely wouldn't want to be spending a lot of time doing stuff with the baby in tow. What happens is that I'm supposed to pretend to be really interested in the baby and what motherhood is like with your wife while you and my DH get to talk and do stuff that's not related to the baby. It's not the way I want to spend my long weekend.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:20     Subject: Re:how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:You don't have a bone to pick with the wife - you have a bone to pick with your BF. For now, take them off of your travel together list. It sounds like he was waffling from the beginning.

PS - it means nothing that they have been somewhere else this year. There could be anything planned for work during that time - a software standup, some sort of all hands on deck thing, rumors of layoffs, whatever. And it's clear you don't like her, just FYI, so she knows.


Op here
I think you are right with the bone to pick with BF, but you are definitely wrong about me not liking her. We were VERY good friends for a long time, but she has been distant since I got married. She doesn't like my wife, and for no discernible reason.

I also disagree that it means nothing that she can travel wherever and whenever she wants all year, and that dictates their schedule. That's not fair, and again, I think that's on BF to step up and not let her decisions override everyone else's plans.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:20     Subject: how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to go on a couple's trip with the other couple's kid. That ruins pretty much any nighttime activity after 7pm. No clubs, dinners, bars at night, dancing, you name it. I also wouldn't want to eat dinner early or retire to the hotel early to have to accommodate a kid. I have an 18 month old too.


Op here

We are all in our mid/late 30s so we're not going out to bars late or dancing. Plus she doesn't even drink or party.

As I mentioned above, we are handing off the kid to my in-laws on Friday and Saturday nights, anyway.


DUDE just STOP. She doesn't want to spend time with you. Focus on seeing if you can spend time with your FRIEND. Also, consider that your clear disdain for your friend's wife might be why your friend isn't chomping at the bit to spend time with you himself.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:19     Subject: how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to go on a couple's trip with the other couple's kid. That ruins pretty much any nighttime activity after 7pm. No clubs, dinners, bars at night, dancing, you name it. I also wouldn't want to eat dinner early or retire to the hotel early to have to accommodate a kid. I have an 18 month old too.


Op here

We are all in our mid/late 30s so we're not going out to bars late or dancing. Plus she doesn't even drink or party.

As I mentioned above, we are handing off the kid to my in-laws on Friday and Saturday nights, anyway.


OMG, OP, can you possible be this dense?
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:18     Subject: how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to go on a couple's trip with the other couple's kid. That ruins pretty much any nighttime activity after 7pm. No clubs, dinners, bars at night, dancing, you name it. I also wouldn't want to eat dinner early or retire to the hotel early to have to accommodate a kid. I have an 18 month old too.


Op here

We are all in our mid/late 30s so we're not going out to bars late or dancing. Plus she doesn't even drink or party.

As I mentioned above, we are handing off the kid to my in-laws on Friday and Saturday nights, anyway.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2018 14:17     Subject: how pissed should I be?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? She may want kids and can't and its hard for her to be around kids.

Or, she doesn't like you. I don't like my husband's BF and his wife and they don't like me (they like me more now but I don't). He's extremely difficult to be around when he's parenting and very controlling of everyone and their style does not match ours.


Or she doesn't want to take time off work to spend time with your kid, whether or not she has her own kids. I know I wouldn't want to take time off work, travel somewhere where I would need to fly, and then spend the time with somebody else's kid. It's just a different dynamic than an adults only trip. And I say this having kids of my own but I also felt this way before I had kids.


OP here
We're not just hanging out with the baby all weekend.
She gets to travel everywhere she wants, with or without him, all year long, and I think its selfish that she cant "make a sacrifice" to have a weekend with old friends and their new kid.

We're even palming the kid off on IL so the four of us could have "adult time".


It's not your kid that is the issue. It is crystal clear that you don't like her, AND that you think it's all her fault. So...she knows, and is not interested in taking time off to travel to spend the weekend with people who do not like her.


+1 the more OP posts, the more I'm on the friend's wife's side.