What you described is part of the marriage contract I don't know anyone whose spouse didn't put on weight between being an early 30s single person and an early 40s married person with kids.

OP here.

To answer a few questions, he's about 5'10" and I think he's around 200 lbs, not sure exactly. His doctor says he's overweight but he doesn't really look fat, if you know what I mean. He does have a bit of a belly.

His blood pressure is on the high side but not terrible, yet. It's been steadily increasing for about 6 or 7 years. At his last appointment his doctor said they would discuss medication next time if he couldn't get it stabilized by his next appointment.

He sees a primary care doc about once every couple of years. He gets the usual speeches that he should cut out the cookies and exercise more, but nothing really alarming.

I guess what bugs me is watching the changes over the last ten years. We're all aging, I get that, but I see these slow, steady increases in weight, blood pressure, decrease in stamina ... And it worries me that he's just going along for the ride and not even trying to stop it. I fear it'll get a lot worse, and it would be easier to stop it here than to wait another ten years and then try to reverse the damage. Prevention is the best form of cure....

We started exercising together a couple of months ago. It was actually going pretty well, and he even has been saying how much better he feels. Then he pulled this muscle and says he's done. So I think I'm just particularly frustrated right now. Thanks for the reality check from everyone who thinks I'm overreacting, and the advice / commiseration from those who don't.

Follow standard DCUM protocol for when a wife gets fat- stop having sex with her, have an affair, and divorce her for someone younger and hotter.

I basically made some big changes in my own diet/exercise and while I did not nag him, I made sure that he was aware of what he was doing. He got a bunch of ocular migraines, found out he had high blood pressure and cholesterol and on his own made a major change. Dropped 35 pounds, stopped drinking and exercises almost daily. He's in better shape than I am now (and now he's inspiring me). But I could have nagged and worried till the cows came home-somehow having the man in the white coat tell him he was not in great shape did the trick.

The problem is that it is SO hard to get someone to change their lifestyle habits. It almost requires a major health scare or incident.

I could have written your post, and then last year, my husband at age 52 suffered a stroke in his left eye. It's a condition called NAION. Instantaneous, irreversible vision loss. They don't know for sure what causes it, but having high blood pressure, high cholesterol and borderline diabetes all likely contributed.

Since that happened, he has lost 30 pounds and focused on eating better and exercising. But his life is forever changed.

Maybe you should show these responses to your husband to get him to wake up. Otherwise, if he wants to be selfish, there isn't a lot you can do.

If he can kick around a ball for 20 min and he's only "slightly" overweight, he's probably fitter than most Americans. I admit, that's not saying much.

Sounds to me as if he's using "not feeling up to it" as an excuse to get out of things he doesn't really want to do. He physically could handle a camping trip, he just doesn't want to. That's the real issue. He's opting out of things he just doesn't feel like.

This is everyone’s husband.
And for what it’s worth I’m deathly afraid of jinxing myself by focusing on my own DH’s health when I could be the one with an illness pop up. Saw this with my aunt who smokes a pack a day. Her husband always on her to cut out the cancer sticks. Guess who’s in better health in their 60’s?
Say your blessings daily about your own health and focus on your husband’s good qualities.

Anonymous wrote:A lot of that sounds like typical laziness and aging. Most of what you describe is part of the marriage contract. In sickness and in health, and all that. What does he say about the late night snacking?

The one thing that gives me pause is that he avoids family activities. Could he be depressed or unhappy about something? I'd probably take the charitable approach - honey, is everything ok? - without coming down on him about your frustrations or his habits.

Assuming there's no family issue and no happiness/mental issue, people avoid family activities when they think it'll be physically too much for them to keep up. Lots of times much older relatives in my family have just opted out to going to something like a graduation of a grandkid bc they know it'll be a lot of walking. I know folks who'll opt out of taking young kids to plays like an amusement park -- often just leaving mom to do it alone -- bc they know they'll be winded from all the walking and/or they know it won't be fun for the kids if they have to sit down and rest every so often and it'll give DW a reason to be like -- see told you you need to work out more/eat better etc. I think camping falls in the same category -- you're carrying a lot of stuff, setting up tents etc. and it can get tiring if you're not in shape.

A lot of that sounds like typical laziness and aging. Most of what you describe is part of the marriage contract. In sickness and in health, and all that. What does he say about the late night snacking?

The one thing that gives me pause is that he avoids family activities. Could he be depressed or unhappy about something? I'd probably take the charitable approach - honey, is everything ok? - without coming down on him about your frustrations or his habits.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not really following. He's "slightly overweight" and you're jumping to all these conclusions? Have you played soccer for 20 minutes? That's enough to get even fit people out of breath. Until you have some cholesterol or bp numbers, this doesn't mean much. Slightly overweight is like 10lbs. Can't you just encourage himn to cut back on ice cream and that'll take care of itself?

I don’t understand this as well.

This is my FIL. He's now in his early 70s and it's severely affected my MIL's quality of life. He can't play a game of mini golf with the kids without sitting down every few minutes. He eats horribly and takes cholesterol, BP, and blood sugar meds. He's a walking disaster, yet he outlived both my parents who were ostensibly healthy and died suddenly.

There's not much you can do to make him change his habits. My MIL's sanity has been saved by having friends she goes out and does things with, since he basically sits around all day. It's so sad.

OP, I'm not really following. He's "slightly overweight" and you're jumping to all these conclusions? Have you played soccer for 20 minutes? That's enough to get even fit people out of breath. Until you have some cholesterol or bp numbers, this doesn't mean much. Slightly overweight is like 10lbs. Can't you just encourage himn to cut back on ice cream and that'll take care of itself?

OP, can he bike to work? Can he limit ice cream to frozen yogurt? They make really good kinds.

My husband is the opposite. Works out like a maniac 4-5 times a week and eats super healthy... annoying too, but hopefully it will keep him healthy and alive longer since he already is 13 years older than me and is an older dad (was 42 when our first was born)

Honestly this doesn’t sound that bad for mid forties. I’m fatter than your husband and, while it’s not healthy and I’m working to fix it, my doctor says things like cholesterol and blood pressure are fine, no evidence of being pre-diabetic. Liver enzymes just slightly elevated which is why I’m focused on fixing it.

Each person had their own issues, but the point is anyone can have a heart attack. Does your husband actually have a health problem other than “aching joints” and family history? Not discounting those, but he may be fine. Bigger issue seems to be that he doesn’t want to participate in things with you/family and is blaming it on health.

Maybe he'll eventually listen to you. Also, anyone can have a heart attack. I had one when my last baby was 2 weeks old. I've had another one since, and I'm very slim, always have been. I have lung problems which overwork my heart, but at that time I hadn't been diagnosed. Since my first heart attack I've had serious problems with my BP and tachycardia, and am on a high dose of heart meds. Tell him he needs to take it seriously if he wants to see his kids grow up.