Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, you are welcome to visit the kids anytime. We love that you spend time with them. But Larla doesn't really like sleeping away from home, and we aren't going to force her."

And when she guilt-trips you and complains, you say, "I'm sorry that you feel that way. But that's what we're doing now." And end the conversation.

Repeat ad nauseam.

You're not going to change her mind, because she doesn't want to have her mind changed. But you can demonstrate that you aren't going to change yours.

+1 I finally learned after YEARS that my mother took engagement in her obnoxiousness as an opening for negotiation. Short "not gonna happen" responses or ignoring her whining was/is the only thing that works. Do not engage any more than absolutely necessary.

100% correct approach. Engagement = negotiation. So don't engage. State what is happening, kindly if possible, and she controls her own reactions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great replies above about standing firm and not engaging or negotiating. Do it with a smile, have a script you AND your husband both stick to, and change the topic the instant after you say no.

Grandma: "Let them spend the night!"

You/DH: "Remember, we discussed this and the kids don't like to sleep away from home. --How is cousin Sam doing in the new job?" etc.

If you prefer not to mention the kids' preference: "Remember, we discussed this. No overnights but we love you to see them. Did you go to the community center whatever last week..." New topics.

Be sure to keep offering her times to do things with them. Sounds like you do a good job of that already! She can never say you're "keeping the kids from me."

Take care that she doesn't try to have private side conversations with your kids where she either guilts them ("Why don't you want to spend the night? Don't you like being with me?") or just tells them they are going home with her in hopes they and she together will break you down ("After ice cream you're coming over").

Unfortunately, she already has. She cornered our sensitive DD and told her, all she wants is for the to spend the night, it would make her happiest. This is what makes me angry, and spitefully wants to disallow overnight visits indefinitely.

That's what I would do. Parenting is not governance by committee. I expect my parents and my ILs to follow my and DH's rules and respect our decisions, period. There is no negotiation, and violations will result in negative consequences for them.

I had to have this conversation with my parents too, even though I hate that it hurt their feelings. You are the parents here. The grandparents, while loved and respected, can voice their opinions/wishes/preferences, but ultimately all decisions are yours alone. They do not get input into how you choose to parent. Guilting, bribing and cajoling only hurts their grandchild and their relationship with you, and doesn't change your mind. The sooner you communicate that, the better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great replies above about standing firm and not engaging or negotiating. Do it with a smile, have a script you AND your husband both stick to, and change the topic the instant after you say no.

Grandma: "Let them spend the night!"

You/DH: "Remember, we discussed this and the kids don't like to sleep away from home. --How is cousin Sam doing in the new job?" etc.

If you prefer not to mention the kids' preference: "Remember, we discussed this. No overnights but we love you to see them. Did you go to the community center whatever last week..." New topics.

Be sure to keep offering her times to do things with them. Sounds like you do a good job of that already! She can never say you're "keeping the kids from me."

Take care that she doesn't try to have private side conversations with your kids where she either guilts them ("Why don't you want to spend the night? Don't you like being with me?") or just tells them they are going home with her in hopes they and she together will break you down ("After ice cream you're coming over").

Unfortunately, she already has. She cornered our sensitive DD and told her, all she wants is for the to spend the night, it would make her happiest. This is what makes me angry, and spitefully wants to disallow overnight visits indefinitely.

That's what I would do. Parenting is not governance by committee. I expect my parents and my ILs to follow my and DH's rules and respect our decisions, period. There is no negotiation, and violations will result in negative consequences for them.

That last line. I would start restricting ALL TIME with her due to the "behind the back pressure". That is not ok, at all, even a little. No wonder your kid doesn't want to hang out with grandma over night. Gma isn't interested in the child's FEELINGS in the slightest, only her own. I'd dial back all contact and allow grandma access if she can DROP the over night talk FOREVER. No more, those are done, do not talk to me or my child about it again. Patience is gone.

I would try reading the book "Boundaries" by the author Cloud. Just keep saying no and don't discuss it. End the conversation by hanging up or walking away if she keeps pressing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it be possible for Grandma to stay the night at your house?

Maybe it's the hanging out at night watching movies and making breakfast in the morning that she really treasures.

I was a kid who hated staying at other people's houses, so I totally get that.

No, we could make it work, and she wouldn’t anyway. We’ve offered before, but she refuses to stay anywhere but home. She even drove home in a snowstorm once.

That's incredibly ironic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great replies above about standing firm and not engaging or negotiating. Do it with a smile, have a script you AND your husband both stick to, and change the topic the instant after you say no.

Grandma: "Let them spend the night!"

You/DH: "Remember, we discussed this and the kids don't like to sleep away from home. --How is cousin Sam doing in the new job?" etc.

If you prefer not to mention the kids' preference: "Remember, we discussed this. No overnights but we love you to see them. Did you go to the community center whatever last week..." New topics.

Be sure to keep offering her times to do things with them. Sounds like you do a good job of that already! She can never say you're "keeping the kids from me."

Take care that she doesn't try to have private side conversations with your kids where she either guilts them ("Why don't you want to spend the night? Don't you like being with me?") or just tells them they are going home with her in hopes they and she together will break you down ("After ice cream you're coming over").

Unfortunately, she already has. She cornered our sensitive DD and told her, all she wants is for the to spend the night, it would make her happiest. This is what makes me angry, and spitefully wants to disallow overnight visits indefinitely.

That's what I would do. Parenting is not governance by committee. I expect my parents and my ILs to follow my and DH's rules and respect our decisions, period. There is no negotiation, and violations will result in negative consequences for them.

I don't really understand the issue. Why can't you just tell your mom "we're not going to do more overnights at this time, and I'm not going to continue discussing it." The fact is that she has no rights and no leverage. If she wants to get angry about that, that is a choice she can make but it changes nothing.

Grandma: "Let them spend the night!"

You/DH: "Remember, we discussed this and the kids don't like to sleep away from home. --How is cousin Sam doing in the new job?" etc.

Just want to weight in that you do not need to give specifics. A "no" ought to be respected. A "no" ought to be sufficient without any justification. Once you feel they deserve justification, then they can start arguing/debating each point. A "no" is better because going forward there will be plenty of other issues and you need to get them use to your "no" being respected.

Anonymous wrote:Great replies above about standing firm and not engaging or negotiating. Do it with a smile, have a script you AND your husband both stick to, and change the topic the instant after you say no.

Grandma: "Let them spend the night!"

You/DH: "Remember, we discussed this and the kids don't like to sleep away from home. --How is cousin Sam doing in the new job?" etc.

If you prefer not to mention the kids' preference: "Remember, we discussed this. No overnights but we love you to see them. Did you go to the community center whatever last week..." New topics.

Be sure to keep offering her times to do things with them. Sounds like you do a good job of that already! She can never say you're "keeping the kids from me."

Take care that she doesn't try to have private side conversations with your kids where she either guilts them ("Why don't you want to spend the night? Don't you like being with me?") or just tells them they are going home with her in hopes they and she together will break you down ("After ice cream you're coming over").

Unfortunately, she already has. She cornered our sensitive DD and told her, all she wants is for the to spend the night, it would make her happiest. This is what makes me angry, and spitefully wants to disallow overnight visits indefinitely.

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, you are welcome to visit the kids anytime. We love that you spend time with them. But Larla doesn't really like sleeping away from home, and we aren't going to force her."

And when she guilt-trips you and complains, you say, "I'm sorry that you feel that way. But that's what we're doing now." And end the conversation.

Repeat ad nauseam.

You're not going to change her mind, because she doesn't want to have her mind changed. But you can demonstrate that you aren't going to change yours.

This.

Regardless of what anyone else feels is their "right" or whatever, you're the Mom and it's your JOB to provide for your child in the best way possible for him/her. If your child doesn't want to sleep over then your job is to not force that to happen.

So you're doing your job - that's all. No guilt, no emotion, no whatever - just "No, sorry - that doesn't work. But we'd love to plan a day at the zoo..."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it be possible for Grandma to stay the night at your house?

Maybe it's the hanging out at night watching movies and making breakfast in the morning that she really treasures.

I was a kid who hated staying at other people's houses, so I totally get that.

No, we could make it work, and she wouldn’t anyway. We’ve offered before, but she refuses to stay anywhere but home. She even drove home in a snowstorm once.

It's ironic. She goes through hoops to get back to her own house, but is blind to the fact her grandchild is just like her, insisting on being at home.

Great replies above about standing firm and not engaging or negotiating. Do it with a smile, have a script you AND your husband both stick to, and change the topic the instant after you say no.

Grandma: "Let them spend the night!"

You/DH: "Remember, we discussed this and the kids don't like to sleep away from home. --How is cousin Sam doing in the new job?" etc.

If you prefer not to mention the kids' preference: "Remember, we discussed this. No overnights but we love you to see them. Did you go to the community center whatever last week..." New topics.

Be sure to keep offering her times to do things with them. Sounds like you do a good job of that already! She can never say you're "keeping the kids from me."

Take care that she doesn't try to have private side conversations with your kids where she either guilts them ("Why don't you want to spend the night? Don't you like being with me?") or just tells them they are going home with her in hopes they and she together will break you down ("After ice cream you're coming over").

OP you say, "no" and you live your life willing to endure some expressed disappointment from your parents. Rinse. Repeat.

With us the issue is that Grandma's house is boring.

"Mom, you don't like sleeping anywhere but in your own bed. Larla is the same way. We won't make her do something that she's not comfortable with. Looking forward to seeing you next weekend."