Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 21:21     Subject: Re:step dad shoved my son hard
Stepdad was in an emergent situation, faced with the violent mom and unpredictable behavior. He correctly tried to remove your son from the situation so he would be safe. Instead of following the adult’s request, your son wanted to argue with him about it. Think the stepdad did the right thing here, needed to be forceful to remove your son to a safe setting rather than leaving him exposed to what sounds like a violent mother. I’d be more concerned about the son’s safety with the mother than about the stepfather shoving him to get him to a safe spot. You should be thanking the stepdad for making your son’s safety the first priority, then you should be taking action to remove your son from whatever custody he has with his mom, for the son’s safety. The stepdad wasn’t trying to harm your son, he was trying to keep him safe. Seems bizarre you are worrying about the man trying to protect your son, rather than worrying about your son’s safety with the mom.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 21:13     Subject: Re:step dad shoved my son hard
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The OP said the step dad told the child that the child himself was the problem when the kid asked what was wrong.

So that's like my husband losing it and throwing things, my son asking me what's wrong, and me telling my son, "YOU are what's wrong."

I would be concerned on all fronts, OP. Shoving a kid away from a parent who's having an episode could be acceptable, assuming it's a protective shove and not one with malice. But the comment that the child is the problem is very concerning.


I missed this when I first read it because OP was so focussed on the stepfather being the bad guy. He implied that the kid was a totally innocent bystander who was assaulted.

OP, does your son have behavioral issues? How are they being managed? Is it consistent across both homes? Are both parents on board with discipline etc?


He has the normal behavior issues of a kid whose parents don’t talk. And by that I mean his mother does not speak to me, she only emails (we’ve been divorced for over 10years at this point). It is impossible to be consistent since there is no communication. I communicate with her but she usually does the exact opposite of anything I tell her I am doing.

I’ll give you an example. My son got lice from his 7 year old brother while here. We didn’t realize my 7 year old had lice until after my son had gone back to his moms. For my 7 year old, we just lathered him up with conditioner every night and used the lice comb every night for four weeks straight. A PITA, but it did the trick and we didn’t have to use the chemical stuff you get at the drug store. I told her of this approach, which you would think would appeal to her homeopathic nature. But no, she went to the drug store and bought the lice products with all the chemicals in it, which made no sense to me at all. This is a woman who does not believe in the flu vaccine.

His mom typically will not engage in any conversation that causes her pain or conflict. She walks away and does not respond. She moved when he was 7 and didn’t tell my son until the night before he left for my house that he would not come back to the home he had lived in since he was 2. He was understandably a mess. The courts declined to change custody at that point though, it was apparently not egregious enough.

I guess, in short, yes. There are behavior issues. The step dad has gotten into verbal arguments with my son and at times, has been borderline verbally abusive. This was probably his first exposure to my ex wife’s fits of rage, but it won’t be the last.

These fits are usually few and far between (once every three or so years) and are usually associated with alcohol consumption.


You let your kid have lice for 4 weeks straight instead of treating it the proper way???

No. No. No.

That is how you spread lice to other kids.

Your wife was right and you were in the wrong with the lice.


Um no. Please do some basic research on dealing with lice. The chemicals are so overused there are resistant lice.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 21:10     Subject: Re:step dad shoved my son hard
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's sad people think it is okay to shove a kid and man handle him to his room.

Legally, it was assault.
Legdlky, the mom did not assault him.

Your son's instinct is what matters, not a bunch of strangers saying it's okay to assault a child if he is not complying with orders.

What is your son's instinct telling him?

Don't teach him this behavior is okay or explainable.


It is sad you think this way.

This behavior is certainly explainable by the circumstances.

The real concern is the mother is out of control, not the stepdad.


No. The concern is when the wife is freaking out the step dad blames the son, man handles him and shoves him.

It's against the law.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 21:07     Subject: Re:step dad shoved my son hard
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The OP said the step dad told the child that the child himself was the problem when the kid asked what was wrong.

So that's like my husband losing it and throwing things, my son asking me what's wrong, and me telling my son, "YOU are what's wrong."

I would be concerned on all fronts, OP. Shoving a kid away from a parent who's having an episode could be acceptable, assuming it's a protective shove and not one with malice. But the comment that the child is the problem is very concerning.


I missed this when I first read it because OP was so focussed on the stepfather being the bad guy. He implied that the kid was a totally innocent bystander who was assaulted.

OP, does your son have behavioral issues? How are they being managed? Is it consistent across both homes? Are both parents on board with discipline etc?


He has the normal behavior issues of a kid whose parents don’t talk. And by that I mean his mother does not speak to me, she only emails (we’ve been divorced for over 10years at this point). It is impossible to be consistent since there is no communication. I communicate with her but she usually does the exact opposite of anything I tell her I am doing.

I’ll give you an example. My son got lice from his 7 year old brother while here. We didn’t realize my 7 year old had lice until after my son had gone back to his moms. For my 7 year old, we just lathered him up with conditioner every night and used the lice comb every night for four weeks straight. A PITA, but it did the trick and we didn’t have to use the chemical stuff you get at the drug store. I told her of this approach, which you would think would appeal to her homeopathic nature. But no, she went to the drug store and bought the lice products with all the chemicals in it, which made no sense to me at all. This is a woman who does not believe in the flu vaccine.

His mom typically will not engage in any conversation that causes her pain or conflict. She walks away and does not respond. She moved when he was 7 and didn’t tell my son until the night before he left for my house that he would not come back to the home he had lived in since he was 2. He was understandably a mess. The courts declined to change custody at that point though, it was apparently not egregious enough.

I guess, in short, yes. There are behavior issues. The step dad has gotten into verbal arguments with my son and at times, has been borderline verbally abusive. This was probably his first exposure to my ex wife’s fits of rage, but it won’t be the last.

These fits are usually few and far between (once every three or so years) and are usually associated with alcohol consumption.


You let your kid have lice for 4 weeks straight instead of treating it the proper way???

No. No. No.

That is how you spread lice to other kids.

Your wife was right and you were in the wrong with the lice.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 20:48     Subject: Re:step dad shoved my son hard
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The OP said the step dad told the child that the child himself was the problem when the kid asked what was wrong.

So that's like my husband losing it and throwing things, my son asking me what's wrong, and me telling my son, "YOU are what's wrong."

I would be concerned on all fronts, OP. Shoving a kid away from a parent who's having an episode could be acceptable, assuming it's a protective shove and not one with malice. But the comment that the child is the problem is very concerning.


I missed this when I first read it because OP was so focussed on the stepfather being the bad guy. He implied that the kid was a totally innocent bystander who was assaulted.

OP, does your son have behavioral issues? How are they being managed? Is it consistent across both homes? Are both parents on board with discipline etc?


He has the normal behavior issues of a kid whose parents don’t talk. And by that I mean his mother does not speak to me, she only emails (we’ve been divorced for over 10years at this point). It is impossible to be consistent since there is no communication. I communicate with her but she usually does the exact opposite of anything I tell her I am doing.

I’ll give you an example. My son got lice from his 7 year old brother while here. We didn’t realize my 7 year old had lice until after my son had gone back to his moms. For my 7 year old, we just lathered him up with conditioner every night and used the lice comb every night for four weeks straight. A PITA, but it did the trick and we didn’t have to use the chemical stuff you get at the drug store. I told her of this approach, which you would think would appeal to her homeopathic nature. But no, she went to the drug store and bought the lice products with all the chemicals in it, which made no sense to me at all. This is a woman who does not believe in the flu vaccine.

His mom typically will not engage in any conversation that causes her pain or conflict. She walks away and does not respond. She moved when he was 7 and didn’t tell my son until the night before he left for my house that he would not come back to the home he had lived in since he was 2. He was understandably a mess. The courts declined to change custody at that point though, it was apparently not egregious enough.

I guess, in short, yes. There are behavior issues. The step dad has gotten into verbal arguments with my son and at times, has been borderline verbally abusive. This was probably his first exposure to my ex wife’s fits of rage, but it won’t be the last.

These fits are usually few and far between (once every three or so years) and are usually associated with alcohol consumption.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 15:49     Subject: Re:step dad shoved my son hard
Anonymous wrote:The OP said the step dad told the child that the child himself was the problem when the kid asked what was wrong.

So that's like my husband losing it and throwing things, my son asking me what's wrong, and me telling my son, "YOU are what's wrong."

I would be concerned on all fronts, OP. Shoving a kid away from a parent who's having an episode could be acceptable, assuming it's a protective shove and not one with malice. But the comment that the child is the problem is very concerning.


I missed this when I first read it because OP was so focussed on the stepfather being the bad guy. He implied that the kid was a totally innocent bystander who was assaulted.

OP, does your son have behavioral issues? How are they being managed? Is it consistent across both homes? Are both parents on board with discipline etc?
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 09:48     Subject: Re:step dad shoved my son hard
Anonymous wrote:The OP said the step dad told the child that the child himself was the problem when the kid asked what was wrong.

So that's like my husband losing it and throwing things, my son asking me what's wrong, and me telling my son, "YOU are what's wrong."

I would be concerned on all fronts, OP. Shoving a kid away from a parent who's having an episode could be acceptable, assuming it's a protective shove and not one with malice. But the comment that the child is the problem is very concerning.


THIS, OP.

Many earlier posters did not catch, or ignored, the fact that the stepdad told the son that son "was the problem" and those PPs depict the stepdad as just protecting the son. OP, you also came back and noted that your son and stepdad have some "history" between them before this--do you mean they've had conflicts before? Have those included any physical contact?

The post above nails it. The whole scenario for both mom and stepdad is concerning. Your son is old enough that a judge should be listening to his input if son wants a change to visitation or custody. Maybe son would prefer to see mom only in a "third place" that is not her home, if possible; I would be leery of letting a kid stay in the household if mom has unpredictable outbursts like you describe. Of course she and her husband can deny she has mental health issues, deny any outburst ever happened, and say son is lying. I'd talk to an attorney who has experience is working with custody and visitation issues.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 09:45     Subject: Re:step dad shoved my son hard
Anonymous wrote:It's sad people think it is okay to shove a kid and man handle him to his room.

Legally, it was assault.
Legdlky, the mom did not assault him.

Your son's instinct is what matters, not a bunch of strangers saying it's okay to assault a child if he is not complying with orders.

What is your son's instinct telling him?

Don't teach him this behavior is okay or explainable.


It is sad you think this way.

This behavior is certainly explainable by the circumstances.

The real concern is the mother is out of control, not the stepdad.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 09:42     Subject: step dad shoved my son hard
Anonymous wrote:It's assault.

You should report it so it is documented.


Hell, no. Jesus, get a fcking grip.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 09:28     Subject: Re:step dad shoved my son hard
The OP said the step dad told the child that the child himself was the problem when the kid asked what was wrong.

So that's like my husband losing it and throwing things, my son asking me what's wrong, and me telling my son, "YOU are what's wrong."

I would be concerned on all fronts, OP. Shoving a kid away from a parent who's having an episode could be acceptable, assuming it's a protective shove and not one with malice. But the comment that the child is the problem is very concerning.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 08:22     Subject: step dad shoved my son hard
Were you there?
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 08:21     Subject: Re:step dad shoved my son hard
It's sad people think it is okay to shove a kid and man handle him to his room.

Legally, it was assault.
Legdlky, the mom did not assault him.

Your son's instinct is what matters, not a bunch of strangers saying it's okay to assault a child if he is not complying with orders.

What is your son's instinct telling him?

Don't teach him this behavior is okay or explainable.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 08:14     Subject: step dad shoved my son hard
Your son might be old enough to have a say about where he wishes to spend his time. How hard did stepdad shove him? Mom’s behavior is also very alarming. It’s easier for your DS to focus his anxiety on his stepdad rather than his mom - for a variety of reasons. But this sounds like a volatile living situation for your DS, and worthy of a custody adjustment.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 08:06     Subject: Re:step dad shoved my son hard
Anonymous wrote:OMG the hypocrisy on this board! If it was a woman asking about the safety of her son being pushed around by the new stepdad or stepmom y'all would be screaming abuse and spouting off about customary changes. Unbelievable.


If it were a dad throwing furniture and screaming, dcum would be saying to call CPS...on dad not step mom.
Anonymous
Post 04/10/2018 08:04     Subject: step dad shoved my son hard
Anonymous wrote:Stepdad escorted son to his room after he did not obey when mom was having a mental health episode and throwing stuff. It was a safety issue and stepdad was trying to handle it the best he could. Since you know of these episodes, cut the guy some slack. The bigger issue is if son is safe with Mom when she's not treated for the mental health issues. He was told to go to his room and refused. There should be consequences for that.


I agree.

I would be much more concerned about mom's episode.

Step dad sounds like he was trying to do the best thing in a bad situation. When your parents are involved it is much easier to direct your bad feelings towards the step than the actual parent, especially for something like this.