So he is not stupid, sounds like he has ADHD. Sounds like you need to have some compassion and help him develop some better coping skills.

OP here.

The suggestions in this thread are killing what little hope I have. They all boil down to re-raising this man-child and sending him to therapy/treatment while I continue to slave, in the hopes he may be remotely useful one day. And that is even assuming I can convince him he needs help. All of this is a huge ask and not feasible in our current lives.

I know the “right” thing to say here is that I am going to spend what little free time I have helping him get better, but I can’t do this. I cannot parent this helpless adult. I have carried him for almost a decade now and am out of patience and love. I am angry and tired and wish I had never met him. It is simply not fair to ask women (who would ask this of a man?) to take on so much.

I have about 5 years to go until DD is old enough to take care of herself in a shared custody scenario. In the meantime, I am ready to give up on him and cheat to get by.

OP, what are your husband's strengths as a person? Surely he is functional in some respects? Try to leverage them.

I cannot ask my husband to do a lot of things. If he goes to the grocery store for us, he needs a list. If he goes to the doctor with our kids, he needs a list. If he does yardwork without me present, he will probably pull out some of our plants that we've had for 5 years because he thought they were weeds. I do taxes. I do bills. I plan meals. I cook. I clean. I organize.

But he can follow instructions, written down. He can take care of the cars. He is good at his job. He can vacuum. He can cut the grass and do some limited weeding. He can do the laundry as long as I fold everything up (he "can't" fold laundry). It is a little bit pathetic? Yeah, but as long as I feel our division of labor is fair (thanks to endless lists) it's fine.

Anonymous wrote:Wow you are nasty person.

I can only imagine what direction this thread would have gone if a man had come on here calling his wife a stupid, lazy idiot.

You sound abusive and controlling.

OP here. Thanks for your contribution. Keep it moving now, OK?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because of the ol’ biological clock, I’m guessing.

OP here. What a stupid thing to say. We have another genius here. Try reading the thread and learning about how serious deficits can be well hidden in youth due to the relative lack of stressors.

...and sometimes men retreat when they've been completely emasculated or enabled. Your husband certainly didn't change overnight, and you most certainly played a role in personality shift.

OP here. You sound very practiced at excuse making. Clearly, you’re someone’s lazy, stupid husband feeling defensive. I hope your wife takes you to the cleaners soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because of the ol’ biological clock, I’m guessing.

OP here. What a stupid thing to say. We have another genius here. Try reading the thread and learning about how serious deficits can be well hidden in youth due to the relative lack of stressors.

DP here. Yet the deficit is not one of intelligence, but of attention. Therefore your whole premise is incorrect: your husband is not stupid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because of the ol’ biological clock, I’m guessing.

OP here. What a stupid thing to say. We have another genius here. Try reading the thread and learning about how serious deficits can be well hidden in youth due to the relative lack of stressors.

...and sometimes men retreat when they've been completely emasculated or enabled. Your husband certainly didn't change overnight, and you most certainly played a role in personality shift.

Debunked myth that is meant to demean women, as usual.

Wow you are nasty person.

I can only imagine what direction this thread would have gone if a man had come on here calling his wife a stupid, lazy idiot.

You sound abusive and controlling.

Since you are such a high earner and do not want to break up the family, why don't you hire a nanny to care for the child? Your husband could seek treatment for his ADHD. He would probably benefit from an ADHD coach and you can find ones why do appointments via skype.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because of the ol’ biological clock, I’m guessing.

OP here. What a stupid thing to say. We have another genius here. Try reading the thread and learning about how serious deficits can be well hidden in youth due to the relative lack of stressors.

...and sometimes men retreat when they've been completely emasculated or enabled. Your husband certainly didn't change overnight, and you most certainly played a role in personality shift.

+1

Have him take a notepad to the doctor with questions to ask, and have him write down answers.

Have him set his phone alarm or other alarm for when your dd is supposed to eat, or call to remind him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because ADHD impacts multi-tasking, and frequently people get married before getting promoted to upper management, before having kids to pile on more responsibilities, before being homeowners, before having to care for elderly parents, all at the same time. And when life becomes a little complicated, this is when people with ADHD start not being able to cope. A young single person with no responsibilities expect to hold down one simple job will rarely exhibit any symptoms.

OP here. Yes! Back when we were a young, childless couple, he managed. He is actually getting worse as life gets more complex. He is less effective now than he was when we were in our 20s.

NP here, my DH was fine before we had kids, but now he is like this, also even not feeding the kids if I’m not around. It’s frustrating to say the least. I can’t count on him to complete a simple task that i ask of him. I’m only staying in the marriage because I fear for my kids’ safety while he would have custody. I have no life outside now because I know if I go out he won’t feed the kids or put them to bed, brush their teeth, etc., possibly burn down the house...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because of the ol’ biological clock, I’m guessing.

OP here. What a stupid thing to say. We have another genius here. Try reading the thread and learning about how serious deficits can be well hidden in youth due to the relative lack of stressors.

...and sometimes men retreat when they've been completely emasculated or enabled. Your husband certainly didn't change overnight, and you most certainly played a role in personality shift.

I'm 19:59.

You sit him down and explain that his behavior is completely beyond the pale, that you believe it is mostly due to ADHD, and mental health is not a shameful thing, and that you will divorce him if he does not seek appropriate medical help.

I have not divorced my husband because of what he would do with the kids by himself. But you can always use that threat to make him understand that you are in deadly earnest.

Then he goes to a psychologist or psychiatrist with you, reports on his symptoms, you report on what you observe him doing (having a witness is crucial because mental health patients rarely self-report accurately), he then gets meds prescribed and you go through the ramping up period checking for potential side effects and whatnot.

ADHD is often comorbid with learning disabilities. My son has extremely slow processing speed, which makes him appear preternaturally stupid even though he has a gifted IQ (!!!!! tearing my hair out), dyscalculia and dysgraphia, as well as spatial awareness and motor issues.

You husband could very well have a super IQ, that has nothing to do with his ability to function in daily life. Frustrating, isn't it???

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

Because of the ol’ biological clock, I’m guessing.

OP here. What a stupid thing to say. We have another genius here. Try reading the thread and learning about how serious deficits can be well hidden in youth due to the relative lack of stressors.