Has your husband been diagnosed? If not, he needs to see an immunologist. There was one mentioned in one of the Washington Post's Medical Mystery articles, but I can't find it right now.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/medical-mysteries/?utm_term=.d4ce1d9ad7df

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is in so much pain that he can't even feed your kid. And yet your whole post is about you and how you make him feel bad for you.

Selfish witch

What is your problem? They had plans, plans are falling apart. Not everyone wants to create a martyrdom and wallow in it. Do you have a suggestion or do you just like everyone to suffer together if you are suffering?

Thanks -

I really don't think I'm a selfish witch. This isn't about making him feel bad for me, if I wanted that I would constantly talk to him about this. I try not to because it hurts him too to think we may not have more kids. But, yes, when it comes down to me caring for the children 100% it is a little bit about my capability, too.

You are quite right OP. It's not a reasonable expectation for anyone to be 100% in charge of raising any children. I think you have to come to terms with where you are -- husband cannot care for child at all. The reasons why or whether he could if he tried harder are irrelevant frankly. He can't. You can't be 100% responsible.

So the issue is what kind of assistance do you need? Are you there all the time at night? Then maybe you can be 100% in charge at night. But, if not you have to arrange coverage -- nanny, au pair, friend or relative who sleeps over, fellow parent you swap favors with, etc. There are many different options for the ways in which you can fill in at various costs. This is also a time to admit you need help to your community. Many of your friends would help if only they knew the troubles you were having and what you needed. There are many websites where people can organize how to pitch in to help families struggling with medical or other problems. I don't know what you need, but when a friend of mine's child got sick, we organized a constant train of food and support. Some "help" slots were to cook meals, others were to run errands, and still others were simply to keep the parents company at home or at the hospital. Maybe your husband could benefit from a calendar of joint playdates with another mom or dad (w/ or w/o their own child) who could provide physical assistance, while still giving the opportunity for Dad and kid to interact.

As for not being able to pick up and play with your daughter, she is not going to suffer if he can't pick her up. She is going to suffer if she doesn't get some kind of physical contact and attention from him consistently over the long term and doesn't understand why.

Also, please get yourself some therapy. Not because you are a horrible selfish person, you are not, of course. (and shame on those who said so). But, rather because being caretaker is a huge responsibility that changes the life you thought you would have in many ways and you need a neutral third party to help you work through your feelings about that and to create other options. Google about caretakers. You will see what I mean. It's often a problem that care taking spouses of veterans must grapple with.

This period is traumatic for both of you. Trauma often happens when are basic assumptions about how life works are upended. Some people are more resilient in the face of trauma. But, everyone can experience traumatic growth and re-configure their life paths, either maintaining the same goals and aspirations or finding new ones.

Anonymous wrote:Your 3 year old moves to a bed. Put a large chair that your DH can comfortably sit in beside it. Problem solved.

Your 3 year old should be able to get themselves in and out of the bath by themselves, maybe with minor towel assistance. Problem solved.

Y 3 year old can sit in a regular chair at the kitchen table. Problem solved.

Sure 3 year olds still want cuddles sometimes. So mom provides that. Dad and DD can discover their own things that he's really good at providing.

This. We have a 3 year old and 5 year old. You can bet the 3 year old is eager and capable of doing all the 5 year old does, like getting out of bed (she's in a toddler bed), climbing out of the tub, etc. A 3 year old can do it all if you let them.

Anonymous wrote:Your 3 year old moves to a bed. Put a large chair that your DH can comfortably sit in beside it. Problem solved.

Your 3 year old should be able to get themselves in and out of the bath by themselves, maybe with minor towel assistance. Problem solved.

Y 3 year old can sit in a regular chair at the kitchen table. Problem solved.

Sure 3 year olds still want cuddles sometimes. So mom provides that. Dad and DD can discover their own things that he's really good at providing.

And, as the mom of a SN kid that ebbs and flows in how much of our energy he consumes, but enough so that we opted to not have more kids..... I think it's weird that your big fear from all this is the fact that you won't be able to have more kids. Not that (1) your DH is in pain; (2) your DD may not have the kind of relationship with her dad that everyone wishes she could; (3) your relationship with your DH is presumably impacted by his pain. In our household, we don't think about the kids we didn't have, because we've got enough stuff to be worrying about.

Thanks for these helpful tips.

It's not my "big fear" or my only fear, it's just a conversation that we've had recently and so it's on my mind. Of course I am concerned about the other issues you mentioned first and foremost - I didn't think I needed to mention the obvious overwhelming concerns I had.

Your 3 year old moves to a bed. Put a large chair that your DH can comfortably sit in beside it. Problem solved.

Your 3 year old should be able to get themselves in and out of the bath by themselves, maybe with minor towel assistance. Problem solved.

Y 3 year old can sit in a regular chair at the kitchen table. Problem solved.

Sure 3 year olds still want cuddles sometimes. So mom provides that. Dad and DD can discover their own things that he's really good at providing.

And, as the mom of a SN kid that ebbs and flows in how much of our energy he consumes, but enough so that we opted to not have more kids..... I think it's weird that your big fear from all this is the fact that you won't be able to have more kids. Not that (1) your DH is in pain; (2) your DD may not have the kind of relationship with her dad that everyone wishes she could; (3) your relationship with your DH is presumably impacted by his pain. In our household, we don't think about the kids we didn't have, because we've got enough stuff to be worrying about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When was the back surgery? You make it sound like it was recent, yet no qualified doctor would allow a serious back injury to go unoperated on for 3 years. But you say he's never been able to lift your daughter up. Something isn't adding up, and I think it's your DH.

Back surgery was 3 weeks ago

Then you've got to give him a break. He has at least 3 more weeks of restrictions. But a lot of this is your fault and you need to figure out how to set up the process to fix it once he's able to do things. Therapy is probably best as it seems like you have a lot of anxiety and control issues.

Do not have another kid. Why would you or a hypothetical being that doesn’t exist over your husband’s health, well being, and recovery? Don’t be dumb.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 3 years, not 3 months. Move her to a toddler bed, and she doesn't need to be picked up. In general, by now your three-year-old knows that her daddy can't lift her up. I am not trying to be obnoxious, I just truly don't see why your DH can't do things like feed her. Is he in so much pain that he can't lift a spoon? Do you assume your daughter needs to be lifted into a chair? Because again, at age 3 a kid can sit independently, eat independently, etc. So either the problem with your husband's disability is worse than you make it seem, or you are attributing his inability to care for DD to his disability, whereas something else is going on.

It does seem that if the problem is your DH's health, and it's going to improve post-surgery, you should hold off on having more kids. Imagine what would happen if this thing happened to you, rather than DH. Would it be your fault?

If, however, you just got into this dynamic of him being helpless, then you need to work on that.

(I don't have any experience dealing with this specific issue, but I do have two kids who were three not so long ago.)

So he actually can't lift anything more than 5 lbs right now and can't bend over or twist at all. So, yes, that is the scenario. Maybe trying for more independence would be good. She knows he can't lift her or play with her but that doesn't really help if she wakes up from a nap/night crying and I'm not there and she needs some attention.

OK. But is he in so much pain all the time that he can't focus on the DD? is that really the issue? If she wakes up crying, can he come into the room? Can he simply sit down and she can hug him? Or is she like a stranger to him, and he doesn't know how to comfort her? And if so, is it because of constant pain, or because you've been shielding him from her, or why? I can tell you anecdotally that older siblings are babied for much longer than younger siblings. If you'd already had another child, your three-year-old would not still be sleeping in a crib, it'd have gone to the younger child. I'm saying that because it's hard for you to see clearly that your kid is capable of much more than you thought. (My best friend has a three-year-old now and I'm seeing the same thing, her daughter is still in a crib, and being spoonfed.)

It's a mix of all that. Yes, I've been protecting him from her so that he doesn't have to do anything that puts him in more pain. He can't get out of bed quickly and standing to sitting is hard right now. She isn't like a stranger to him but he's just never done any of the basic care that allows for that type of bonding. I do believe that if she were the 2nd it would be different, and I'm probably over sensitive to protecting her to make sure she is getting enough of what she needs. My daughter isn't spoon fed. It's probably a bit of my attachment to her that I allow her to be 'babied' at home.

I think you could use some therapy OP. There seems to be a lot of self sabatoge on your end.

Anonymous wrote:When was the back surgery? You make it sound like it was recent, yet no qualified doctor would allow a serious back injury to go unoperated on for 3 years. But you say he's never been able to lift your daughter up. Something isn't adding up, and I think it's your DH.

Back surgery was 3 weeks ago

Anonymous wrote:When was the back surgery? You make it sound like it was recent, yet no qualified doctor would allow a serious back injury to go unoperated on for 3 years. But you say he's never been able to lift your daughter up. Something isn't adding up, and I think it's your DH.

The not being "able to" is since the surgeries bc of recovery.

Before that he could, I just knew he was in pain doing it so I would try not to put him in the position where he'd have to. That may have been my fault but I have (sometimes) too much empathy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 3 years, not 3 months. Move her to a toddler bed, and she doesn't need to be picked up. In general, by now your three-year-old knows that her daddy can't lift her up. I am not trying to be obnoxious, I just truly don't see why your DH can't do things like feed her. Is he in so much pain that he can't lift a spoon? Do you assume your daughter needs to be lifted into a chair? Because again, at age 3 a kid can sit independently, eat independently, etc. So either the problem with your husband's disability is worse than you make it seem, or you are attributing his inability to care for DD to his disability, whereas something else is going on.

It does seem that if the problem is your DH's health, and it's going to improve post-surgery, you should hold off on having more kids. Imagine what would happen if this thing happened to you, rather than DH. Would it be your fault?

If, however, you just got into this dynamic of him being helpless, then you need to work on that.

(I don't have any experience dealing with this specific issue, but I do have two kids who were three not so long ago.)

So he actually can't lift anything more than 5 lbs right now and can't bend over or twist at all. So, yes, that is the scenario. Maybe trying for more independence would be good. She knows he can't lift her or play with her but that doesn't really help if she wakes up from a nap/night crying and I'm not there and she needs some attention.

OK. But is he in so much pain all the time that he can't focus on the DD? is that really the issue? If she wakes up crying, can he come into the room? Can he simply sit down and she can hug him? Or is she like a stranger to him, and he doesn't know how to comfort her? And if so, is it because of constant pain, or because you've been shielding him from her, or why? I can tell you anecdotally that older siblings are babied for much longer than younger siblings. If you'd already had another child, your three-year-old would not still be sleeping in a crib, it'd have gone to the younger child. I'm saying that because it's hard for you to see clearly that your kid is capable of much more than you thought. (My best friend has a three-year-old now and I'm seeing the same thing, her daughter is still in a crib, and being spoonfed.)

It's a mix of all that. Yes, I've been protecting him from her so that he doesn't have to do anything that puts him in more pain. He can't get out of bed quickly and standing to sitting is hard right now. She isn't like a stranger to him but he's just never done any of the basic care that allows for that type of bonding. I do believe that if she were the 2nd it would be different, and I'm probably over sensitive to protecting her to make sure she is getting enough of what she needs. My daughter isn't spoon fed. It's probably a bit of my attachment to her that I allow her to be 'babied' at home.

When was the back surgery? You make it sound like it was recent, yet no qualified doctor would allow a serious back injury to go unoperated on for 3 years. But you say he's never been able to lift your daughter up. Something isn't adding up, and I think it's your DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I call troll - which doctor would countenance two hip surgeries and one back surgery in the span of 6 months? Was your husband in a terrible accident? Does he have brittle bone disease?

The hips were planned and are generally done 6 weeks apart, the back surgery was unplanned and emergency due to a spontaneously herniated disc from which he was loosing feeling in his legs

Ok so then it sounds like he should be in the recovery phase. But you're posting like he's not. How many second opinions have you gotten since the back surgery? If he's still in pain and under restrictions from the back surgery and it's in the appropriate time line, then just sit tight. The worst will be over. If his surgeon is saying "you should be feeling better by now" it's time to go somewhere else.

Yes, you're probably right. I probably need to find a little more patience and less anxiety about the what ifs. Thank you for your (constructive) insight.

You're welcome. I both work in the field and have had the back surgery your husband had. Recovery is tough. You don't realize how much bending lifting and twisting you do on a normal basis until you can't do it anymore.

That said, learned helplessness is anreal thing. And it sounds like your DH may be stuck in that. There is no reason he can't help out. If he's truly in so much pain that he can't even feed his kid, something isn't right. Maybe he's depressed (which can make physical pain worse). I just think it's a mix of expected issues from surgery and recovery as well as some other issues. Be it mental or physical. Either way, a follow up is in order.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 3 years, not 3 months. Move her to a toddler bed, and she doesn't need to be picked up. In general, by now your three-year-old knows that her daddy can't lift her up. I am not trying to be obnoxious, I just truly don't see why your DH can't do things like feed her. Is he in so much pain that he can't lift a spoon? Do you assume your daughter needs to be lifted into a chair? Because again, at age 3 a kid can sit independently, eat independently, etc. So either the problem with your husband's disability is worse than you make it seem, or you are attributing his inability to care for DD to his disability, whereas something else is going on.

It does seem that if the problem is your DH's health, and it's going to improve post-surgery, you should hold off on having more kids. Imagine what would happen if this thing happened to you, rather than DH. Would it be your fault?

If, however, you just got into this dynamic of him being helpless, then you need to work on that.

(I don't have any experience dealing with this specific issue, but I do have two kids who were three not so long ago.)

So he actually can't lift anything more than 5 lbs right now and can't bend over or twist at all. So, yes, that is the scenario. Maybe trying for more independence would be good. She knows he can't lift her or play with her but that doesn't really help if she wakes up from a nap/night crying and I'm not there and she needs some attention.

OK. But is he in so much pain all the time that he can't focus on the DD? is that really the issue? If she wakes up crying, can he come into the room? Can he simply sit down and she can hug him? Or is she like a stranger to him, and he doesn't know how to comfort her? And if so, is it because of constant pain, or because you've been shielding him from her, or why? I can tell you anecdotally that older siblings are babied for much longer than younger siblings. If you'd already had another child, your three-year-old would not still be sleeping in a crib, it'd have gone to the younger child. I'm saying that because it's hard for you to see clearly that your kid is capable of much more than you thought. (My best friend has a three-year-old now and I'm seeing the same thing, her daughter is still in a crib, and being spoonfed.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I call troll - which doctor would countenance two hip surgeries and one back surgery in the span of 6 months? Was your husband in a terrible accident? Does he have brittle bone disease?

The hips were planned and are generally done 6 weeks apart, the back surgery was unplanned and emergency due to a spontaneously herniated disc from which he was loosing feeling in his legs

Ok so then it sounds like he should be in the recovery phase. But you're posting like he's not. How many second opinions have you gotten since the back surgery? If he's still in pain and under restrictions from the back surgery and it's in the appropriate time line, then just sit tight. The worst will be over. If his surgeon is saying "you should be feeling better by now" it's time to go somewhere else.

Yes, you're probably right. I probably need to find a little more patience and less anxiety about the what ifs. Thank you for your (constructive) insight.