Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 12:04     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again, and I’m so glad I posted this. I feel ready to tackle this now. Such great advice!

So, polite and vague declining of solo-invitations, no announcement of the reason we no longer visit alone. I’m assuming I should just tell them to talk to their son if they ask for a visit?

And lastly, when outwardly reconciling, do I mention how they took me for granted and badmouthed me, or should I leave that alone?


If they ask for a visit, I'd say "Oh, I'm sure [DH] is planning something!" - redirect. That way it's on him. If they insist you visit on your own, you smile, say "we'll look into it!" and then... don't.

I wouldn't confront them about the badmouthing and taking you for granted. They could easily just continue to deny it and frustrate you even further. I would keep distant and polite - this allows you to maintain a relationship while remaining in an emotional space where they cannot mistreat or hurt you again.

If your husband feels strongly about you visiting on your own, tell him that if he wants that to happen, he needs to speak to them directly about what they did, and let them know that if they behave that way again, their access to grandchildren will be limited even further. And if they don't own up to it, it's a no go. You'd have to be crazy to place yourself back in the same situation where you go out of your way and they don't appreciate anything you do and treat you poorly without any incentive to change.


All of this. Bright and chipper and non-committal. Invite them to visit you, but just never get around to making plans to visit them. No confrontation, because it's not going to help. Plus, this is really something your husband needs to take point on.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 12:00     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
Anonymous wrote:OP, here is the most important factor: Are they great grandparents and is it therefore important for your kids to have them in their lives?

If yes, then I would not do anything negative at all. This is what I would do. I'd stop the communication coming through your DH, and I would just work with them directly, and invite them to your place. Start *training them* to come to you. I don't know how old your kids are, but as they get older there iwill be no time for day trips to see grandparents; the sports/activities will be in the way. But there will always be time for grandparents at your house in between or before/after games.

If they are just-meh grandparents, the next question is to really think about how you play this will affect your DH. Look at it through the lens of being kind to your DH; his job does not allow him to step up, and you are helping him by alleviating some guilt about that. If *he* appreciates you, then don't worry about what the inlaws think.

However; even in that scenario, get them to drive to you.

I don't agree with PPs about demanding an apology and all that--it's going to backfire in that you will win the battle but lose the war. Just focus on enticing them to come your way. Again...retrain them. Not with sticks, but with carrots.

This is OP again. The are just meh grandparents. We haven’t seen them in months and the kids haven’t even asked about seeing them. My DH appreciates me, but I think I’ve created a pattern where he thinks it’s my duty to do this now, since I’m not working while we are here. I think DH appreciates what I’ve been doing less than he appreciates his parents not being “mad” at him. He subtly defended me, but laid down no laws against it happening again.

“Winning the battle but losing the war” really resonated. I care more about winnng the war and gaining mutual respect from them. I have no issue with them coming here for a visit when DH is around, and I don’t mind visiting them with DH on the weekends he has off. I won’t bring up what they did wrong to me, but I will change the dynamic going forward.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 11:48     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
OP, here is the most important factor: Are they great grandparents and is it therefore important for your kids to have them in their lives?

If yes, then I would not do anything negative at all. This is what I would do. I'd stop the communication coming through your DH, and I would just work with them directly, and invite them to your place. Start *training them* to come to you. I don't know how old your kids are, but as they get older there iwill be no time for day trips to see grandparents; the sports/activities will be in the way. But there will always be time for grandparents at your house in between or before/after games.

If they are just-meh grandparents, the next question is to really think about how you play this will affect your DH. Look at it through the lens of being kind to your DH; his job does not allow him to step up, and you are helping him by alleviating some guilt about that. If *he* appreciates you, then don't worry about what the inlaws think.

However; even in that scenario, get them to drive to you.

I don't agree with PPs about demanding an apology and all that--it's going to backfire in that you will win the battle but lose the war. Just focus on enticing them to come your way. Again...retrain them. Not with sticks, but with carrots.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 11:44     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Make it clear they are welcome to drive to your house to see the grandkids. It’s nice they want a relationship with their grandchildren, but they owe you respect and consideration. They took you for granted and then badmouthed you: two big mistakes. Let them make the drive for a while. If it’s your personality to be up front, let them know how you feel.

This is exactly how I feel!

I’m usually non confrontational, but I will be standing up for myself. Do you, or does anyone, have any ideas on how to break this news to them (that I will be suspending my visits alone for the time being) without making a huge deal?


Don't make a big announcement. Just don't do it.

DH can speak up for you if he wishes--when they complain you haven't visited, remind them exactly why you aren't doing it anymore.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 11:41     Subject: Re:I’m not ready to make nice
Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP! They had a good thing! And, I'm not giving your DH a pass. He shouldn't be 'on call' all the time. Let him take them sometime. Or, they could drive themselves up some time when your DH isn't on call and you can go out and have some time with friends - or yourself - or whatever you like to do without the kids and your DH.


+1

And DH needs to make it clear that they need to stop badmouthing you and that *he* is really still unhappy with them.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 11:38     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
Anonymous wrote:OP again, and I’m so glad I posted this. I feel ready to tackle this now. Such great advice!

So, polite and vague declining of solo-invitations, no announcement of the reason we no longer visit alone. I’m assuming I should just tell them to talk to their son if they ask for a visit?

And lastly, when outwardly reconciling, do I mention how they took me for granted and badmouthed me, or should I leave that alone?


What are the chances they admit to bad mouthing you? I confronted my in-laws about badmouthing me, and when they denied it, I was left withoit an apology. I admit, I didn't know how to handle it. So, just be prepared for them to flat out lie to you. I think mentioning that you feel taken for granted is a good idea.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 11:34     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
Not sure I agree with 11:04. If someone doesn’t call out the bad behavior of others, how are they to really know they did something bad? If it’s ignored, what happens if they never put two and two together? Won’t the cycle repeat?

I’m not saying to give in to the behavior and carry on as nothing happened, but can’t you call out the behavior and then naturally distance yourself?
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 11:27     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
11:24 again. My mom recently said she's learned that forgiveness is often not so difficult, but reconnecting after the fallout is hard. I wish those who like to create drama and blowups understood that.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 11:24     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
I hate it when people blow up about stuff, then aren't prepared for the fallout. Your in-laws could have said "we miss the kids, can we come this weekend?" Instead of saying you NEVER bring them, denying you've visited, and bad mouthing you. My FIL has done this kind of thing, and I just think wouldn't it have been easier to be civil?

Op, I'm opposed to the idea that you need to declare "I shall no longer bring the kids to see you." Because that just feeds the drama. Lay low, see how the holiday goes with them. Let them initiate visits for a while.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 11:06     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again, and I’m so glad I posted this. I feel ready to tackle this now. Such great advice!

So, polite and vague declining of solo-invitations, no announcement of the reason we no longer visit alone. I’m assuming I should just tell them to talk to their son if they ask for a visit?

And lastly, when outwardly reconciling, do I mention how they took me for granted and badmouthed me, or should I leave that alone?


If they ask for a visit, I'd say "Oh, I'm sure [DH] is planning something!" - redirect. That way it's on him. If they insist you visit on your own, you smile, say "we'll look into it!" and then... don't.

I wouldn't confront them about the badmouthing and taking you for granted. They could easily just continue to deny it and frustrate you even further. I would keep distant and polite - this allows you to maintain a relationship while remaining in an emotional space where they cannot mistreat or hurt you again.

If your husband feels strongly about you visiting on your own, tell him that if he wants that to happen, he needs to speak to them directly about what they did, and let them know that if they behave that way again, their access to grandchildren will be limited even further. And if they don't own up to it, it's a no go. You'd have to be crazy to place yourself back in the same situation where you go out of your way and they don't appreciate anything you do and treat you poorly without any incentive to change.


and when I say "own up to it", I mean they say "OP, we took you for granted and we badmouthed you to family and friends. We are so sorry and it won't happen again." A vague "sorry" is bs and I wouldn't accept it.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 11:04     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
Anonymous wrote:OP again, and I’m so glad I posted this. I feel ready to tackle this now. Such great advice!

So, polite and vague declining of solo-invitations, no announcement of the reason we no longer visit alone. I’m assuming I should just tell them to talk to their son if they ask for a visit?

And lastly, when outwardly reconciling, do I mention how they took me for granted and badmouthed me, or should I leave that alone?


If they ask for a visit, I'd say "Oh, I'm sure [DH] is planning something!" - redirect. That way it's on him. If they insist you visit on your own, you smile, say "we'll look into it!" and then... don't.

I wouldn't confront them about the badmouthing and taking you for granted. They could easily just continue to deny it and frustrate you even further. I would keep distant and polite - this allows you to maintain a relationship while remaining in an emotional space where they cannot mistreat or hurt you again.

If your husband feels strongly about you visiting on your own, tell him that if he wants that to happen, he needs to speak to them directly about what they did, and let them know that if they behave that way again, their access to grandchildren will be limited even further. And if they don't own up to it, it's a no go. You'd have to be crazy to place yourself back in the same situation where you go out of your way and they don't appreciate anything you do and treat you poorly without any incentive to change.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 10:43     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
OP again, and I’m so glad I posted this. I feel ready to tackle this now. Such great advice!

So, polite and vague declining of solo-invitations, no announcement of the reason we no longer visit alone. I’m assuming I should just tell them to talk to their son if they ask for a visit?

And lastly, when outwardly reconciling, do I mention how they took me for granted and badmouthed me, or should I leave that alone?
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 10:20     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
I would outwardly reconcile but never bring the kids to them again without your husband. You already went above and beyond for them and they pretty much spit it back in your face and called you a liar. I wouldn't cut them off or anything, but I would never trust them or go out of my way for them again.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 10:16     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Make it clear they are welcome to drive to your house to see the grandkids. It’s nice they want a relationship with their grandchildren, but they owe you respect and consideration. They took you for granted and then badmouthed you: two big mistakes. Let them make the drive for a while. If it’s your personality to be up front, let them know how you feel.

This is exactly how I feel!

I’m usually non confrontational, but I will be standing up for myself. Do you, or does anyone, have any ideas on how to break this news to them (that I will be suspending my visits alone for the time being) without making a huge deal?

Don't make an announcement. Don't tell them you aren't coming for a while, just don't plan any trips. Be polite and vague if they suggest visits. If you make an announcement, you're inviting a big fight.

Also, the next time you visit, I would immediately take a bunch of pictures and send them to them, right in front of them. If they ask, say that you're just obliging their demand for photographic evidence of visits.


I agree with this. My in laws are just like yours. Honest and open communication just doesn’t work. If you make any announcement, your words will be distorted and you’ll be made into the bad guy and a huge drama will ensue.

Just be vague and polite and not very responsive, as suggested above.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 09:22     Subject: I’m not ready to make nice
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Make it clear they are welcome to drive to your house to see the grandkids. It’s nice they want a relationship with their grandchildren, but they owe you respect and consideration. They took you for granted and then badmouthed you: two big mistakes. Let them make the drive for a while. If it’s your personality to be up front, let them know how you feel.

This is exactly how I feel!

I’m usually non confrontational, but I will be standing up for myself. Do you, or does anyone, have any ideas on how to break this news to them (that I will be suspending my visits alone for the time being) without making a huge deal?

Don't make an announcement. Don't tell them you aren't coming for a while, just don't plan any trips. Be polite and vague if they suggest visits. If you make an announcement, you're inviting a big fight.

Also, the next time you visit, I would immediately take a bunch of pictures and send them to them, right in front of them. If they ask, say that you're just obliging their demand for photographic evidence of visits.