Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound really oversimplified, but you are in a good place because you are done. Because you can walk away, you have all the power. I recommend you see a lawyer first and get all your ducks in a row and financially and logistically - know the law about whether you can take the kids, leave the house, etc. act as if you expect a divorce and expect him to play dirty.

My mom had an awful temper my whole childhood and well into my 30s. She’s just a total bitch. She’s always the victim. No one can do anything right. She used to swear at my dad and I and throw things constantly. We were always on eggshells. One day in my late 20s I decided I was done. When she threw her fits I just reacted totally calmly and deadpan. I took away her power by deciding I didn’t care and that I wasn’t going to let her upset me. It made her super mad - like a toddler being ignored. I didn’t cut her off, I just would sit and listen. Eventually she realized she couldn’t get what she wanted by throwing a fit. We have a great relationship now.

OP here and I appreciate your input about a strategy for dealing with the tantrums. I don’t want to divorce my husband. I don’t want to take my kids’ father away, because he is honestly good to them and loves them. I want to be able to have difficult adult conversations with him without him blowing up and running off, I want him to be nicer and more patient, even when we’re in the sh*t. I know these are our most stressful years and I don’t want to give up under the pressure, but I’ve got to have a partner in this, not another petulant kid to parent. I don’t want to throw around the threat of divorce carelessly, but I do need him to realize his behavior is serious enough that I’ve considered leaving just to get a break from it.

Stop with rationalizing this. Stop. He terrorizes you and them with his tantrums. No one care how many silly faces he makes with babies. He screams at your children. You said yourself that you’re walking on eggshells. That is not a home you want for your children.

You know, a lot of men act like morons some of the time and yet many of us learn to appreciate them, live with them, love them and see the good. Some of you people act like every man is freaking Saddam Hussein or something. She doesn’t want to divorce him and her kids lives probably won’t be better staying at dads for 4 days without mom (& maybe with a new volatile GF) so stop telling her to divorce.

Anonymous wrote:He loves, loves, loves our children. He would never strike them. Ever.

This is such a low bar, OP. You have been at this so long that you can't even see it.

Save some money in a personal account. Pack an emergency bag. See an attorney or two to get a sense of what the process of getting divorced would be like, so it seems less scary. Then get a sitter. Take him to a public place. Tell him that you are ready to end the marriage if he doesn't seek medical help for his anger management problem. Have some docs--a psychiatrist, a neurologist, whatever it takes to get him there; and a marriage counselor--lined up on one list and the name of your divorce attorney on the other. This is not optional. He is going to seriously screw up your children behaving this way. You cannot let this happen or you are complicit.

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry OP. But this is not a healthy situation. I feel tense reading about it. Has he ever been physically aggressive with you? Does he have PTSD or anything?

Nope - never. It’s sad but I’m sort of surprised by that. I mean he’s never even been close, and he is adamantly against spanking or any sort of physical pinjshement for our kids (we’re on the same page). His reactions are purely verbal. He doesn’t namecall. He just slams and bangs and blusters and refuses to hash out a conversation.

After a few minutes he’s totally fine like nothing ever happened. These incidents don’t faze him in the least, even if I’m in tears. He’s able to move past it very quickly. No PTSD. Quirky family but no major physical abuse. Some mental illness (nervous breakdowns) in the women on his side of the family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound really oversimplified, but you are in a good place because you are done. Because you can walk away, you have all the power. I recommend you see a lawyer first and get all your ducks in a row and financially and logistically - know the law about whether you can take the kids, leave the house, etc. act as if you expect a divorce and expect him to play dirty.

My mom had an awful temper my whole childhood and well into my 30s. She’s just a total bitch. She’s always the victim. No one can do anything right. She used to swear at my dad and I and throw things constantly. We were always on eggshells. One day in my late 20s I decided I was done. When she threw her fits I just reacted totally calmly and deadpan. I took away her power by deciding I didn’t care and that I wasn’t going to let her upset me. It made her super mad - like a toddler being ignored. I didn’t cut her off, I just would sit and listen. Eventually she realized she couldn’t get what she wanted by throwing a fit. We have a great relationship now.

OP here and I appreciate your input about a strategy for dealing with the tantrums. I don’t want to divorce my husband. I don’t want to take my kids’ father away, because he is honestly good to them and loves them. I want to be able to have difficult adult conversations with him without him blowing up and running off, I want him to be nicer and more patient, even when we’re in the sh*t. I know these are our most stressful years and I don’t want to give up under the pressure, but I’ve got to have a partner in this, not another petulant kid to parent. I don’t want to throw around the threat of divorce carelessly, but I do need him to realize his behavior is serious enough that I’ve considered leaving just to get a break from it.

Okay - then you have to make sure that there is less shit and more nurturing. Don’t stir the pot if at all possible. YOU start being nicer and more patient even when you’re ‘in the SH?t’. Stop dragging his nose through the mud and pointing out his flaws and you improve how you are acting. He should calm down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound really oversimplified, but you are in a good place because you are done. Because you can walk away, you have all the power. I recommend you see a lawyer first and get all your ducks in a row and financially and logistically - know the law about whether you can take the kids, leave the house, etc. act as if you expect a divorce and expect him to play dirty.

My mom had an awful temper my whole childhood and well into my 30s. She’s just a total bitch. She’s always the victim. No one can do anything right. She used to swear at my dad and I and throw things constantly. We were always on eggshells. One day in my late 20s I decided I was done. When she threw her fits I just reacted totally calmly and deadpan. I took away her power by deciding I didn’t care and that I wasn’t going to let her upset me. It made her super mad - like a toddler being ignored. I didn’t cut her off, I just would sit and listen. Eventually she realized she couldn’t get what she wanted by throwing a fit. We have a great relationship now.

OP here and I appreciate your input about a strategy for dealing with the tantrums. I don’t want to divorce my husband. I don’t want to take my kids’ father away, because he is honestly good to them and loves them. I want to be able to have difficult adult conversations with him without him blowing up and running off, I want him to be nicer and more patient, even when we’re in the sh*t. I know these are our most stressful years and I don’t want to give up under the pressure, but I’ve got to have a partner in this, not another petulant kid to parent. I don’t want to throw around the threat of divorce carelessly, but I do need him to realize his behavior is serious enough that I’ve considered leaving just to get a break from it.

Stop with rationalizing this. Stop. He terrorizes you and them with his tantrums. No one care how many silly faces he makes with babies. He screams at your children. You said yourself that you’re walking on eggshells. That is not a home you want for your children.

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say it, and it doesn't help OP, but there will be a lot of kids growing up to be like him if parents continue to let their kids get away with behaving how they want to behave without consequence.

It’s develomentslly appropriate for young children to not snap to it and get dressed when dad says, or in what mom wants or any number of other things. You have no idea what you are talking about and so you should not speak. Skilled parents don’t get into power struggles over minor details with young children. Skilled parents save their strong assertions for things like life and death matters.

OP since you married and had kids with this man you need to be the soothing force. You need to take on more of the kid work because the man you married is not capable of it - you chose a partner who isn’t fully up to the task. You need to be soothing him and not pushing his buttons and making his life easier for as long as you can stand it. You should do anything in your power to ensure that DH’s interaction with his kids are positive. Hire out for chores if you need to, have the darned groceries delivered. You also should be taking something like PEP parenting classes with DH - for a long time if possible. Nothing else is going to work. It’s the whole you made your bed now you need to lie in it concept.

Anonymous wrote:I think you need a therapist to guide you in safely getting out and understanding why you found yourself in this situation. I'm not judging, having married a volatile man. But he stopped, after medication, counseling, and a very very clear understanding that I would leave immediately if he could not control his anger. He did but the impact on our then 2.5 year old was significant. He has a lot of anxiety, and behavior that dtems from witnessing conflict...it warps and terrifies children..

This.
OP, do not have this conversation with him. You’re not ready. In order to have the maximum impact, you need to be clear and calm. You need rehearsal time. You need an objective professional to help you craft what’s you are going to say. Make an appointment tomorrow.

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound really oversimplified, but you are in a good place because you are done. Because you can walk away, you have all the power. I recommend you see a lawyer first and get all your ducks in a row and financially and logistically - know the law about whether you can take the kids, leave the house, etc. act as if you expect a divorce and expect him to play dirty.

My mom had an awful temper my whole childhood and well into my 30s. She’s just a total bitch. She’s always the victim. No one can do anything right. She used to swear at my dad and I and throw things constantly. We were always on eggshells. One day in my late 20s I decided I was done. When she threw her fits I just reacted totally calmly and deadpan. I took away her power by deciding I didn’t care and that I wasn’t going to let her upset me. It made her super mad - like a toddler being ignored. I didn’t cut her off, I just would sit and listen. Eventually she realized she couldn’t get what she wanted by throwing a fit. We have a great relationship now.

OP here and I appreciate your input about a strategy for dealing with the tantrums. I don’t want to divorce my husband. I don’t want to take my kids’ father away, because he is honestly good to them and loves them. I want to be able to have difficult adult conversations with him without him blowing up and running off, I want him to be nicer and more patient, even when we’re in the sh*t. I know these are our most stressful years and I don’t want to give up under the pressure, but I’ve got to have a partner in this, not another petulant kid to parent. I don’t want to throw around the threat of divorce carelessly, but I do need him to realize his behavior is serious enough that I’ve considered leaving just to get a break from it.

I’m really sorry OP. But this is not a healthy situation. I feel tense reading about it. Has he ever been physically aggressive with you? Does he have PTSD or anything?

Immrdiate pp here. DH was diagnosed with ADHD. But his poor coping skills were also result of a conflict heavy childhood. Meds are only one part of the picture.

20:35 again.

Yes, it is ADHD. Whenever I post this people can't stand it, but it is.

My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD, after our son was diagnosed, but refuses to take his meds, because he feels "quite all right without them". When literally his life is is shambles because of it (he's been let go multiple times for failing to be productive and follow directions at work, he has no friends, he forgets his keys or wallet every day and has to go back for them, etc).

It makes sense that your husband would have ADHD as well. Medication is generally well-tolerated and efficient... if he agrees to take them every day. They have made a huge difference to our son's quality of life.

I think you need a therapist to guide you in safely getting out and understanding why you found yourself in this situation. I'm not judging, having married a volatile man. But he stopped, after medication, counseling, and a very very clear understanding that I would leave immediately if he could not control his anger. He did but the impact on our then 2.5 year old was significant. He has a lot of anxiety, and behavior that dtems from witnessing conflict...it warps and terrifies children..

Anonymous wrote:Is he on any meds? If yes, he needs to tweak them.
If not, your only option is marriage counseling with a really good therapist that can gently steer him to individual counseling and meds while you continue to work as a couple. I am sorry - sounds really hard to live with ...

OP here. First, I really appreciate the feedback so far. Thank you everyone.

Second, this response gave me pause. He’s not on medication but I’m 100% sure he has ADD (I’m obviously not a physician but I’m an educator and have seen my fair share of ADD). He also has terrible memory issues and he’s really sensitive about it (shocker) because dementia runs in his family. I know it worries him. I also know ADD can affect memory. If he’s awoken at certain points in a sleep cycle he’s a disaster. He can hardly put together a sentence and it takes him a long time to get with it.

Another poster asked about his redeeming qualities. He loves, loves, loves our children. He would never strike them. Ever. And although he loses his temper with hem it’s never for anything silly. It’s for the same stuff that makes me crazy, so I get it. He would die if he lost his family. He is smart. He is talented. He is kind to animals and he loves to make faces at babies to make them laugh. He has a good heart, and when he does loop back around after a blowup he is genuinely remorseful. He just can’t fix it, and it happens again and again.

Would it make sense to suggest seeing a doctor about the possible ADD/memory/anger? Is this all tied up together? Or at I just making excuses for him?

This is going to sound really oversimplified, but you are in a good place because you are done. Because you can walk away, you have all the power. I recommend you see a lawyer first and get all your ducks in a row and financially and logistically - know the law about whether you can take the kids, leave the house, etc. act as if you expect a divorce and expect him to play dirty.

My mom had an awful temper my whole childhood and well into my 30s. She’s just a total bitch. She’s always the victim. No one can do anything right. She used to swear at my dad and I and throw things constantly. We were always on eggshells. One day in my late 20s I decided I was done. When she threw her fits I just reacted totally calmly and deadpan. I took away her power by deciding I didn’t care and that I wasn’t going to let her upset me. It made her super mad - like a toddler being ignored. I didn’t cut her off, I just would sit and listen. Eventually she realized she couldn’t get what she wanted by throwing a fit. We have a great relationship now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question - why on EARTH would you marry and procreate with a man who's been like this all his life?

It has gotten SO much worse. I swear to you it was never this bad, but I also need to be honest in saying that I did, for awhile, consider ending the relationship before we married, and I didn’t in part because I didn’t want to deal with the fallout. If anyone has seen a spine, I’m missing mine....

Look in your children’s room. That’s where you should be able to find it.
If your house was on fire, would hem and haw about saving your kids? No. You’d just do it. This situation is no different. Your house is on fire, only it’s in the form of your rage-aholic husband. If only for their sake, get them out of there. Time to be a grown-up.