Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

Taking care of several little kids is also stressful and tiring.

Time for you to find a weekend hobby away from him and the kids and leave him with the kids. I took a weekend class every Saturday so my DH was forced to watch the kids during the class. This in turn helped him become a more confident parent. I've aso taken a weekend trip away to see a friend and he had the kids the entire time.

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to go back to work ASAP.

I'm 45 and I know many couples in situations like yours.

Husband is slowly changing his view on life to believe his main/only purpose is to be breadwinner. Gets distorted sense of power, see kids and eventually wife as nuisance. Rationalizes having an affair, or some other detrimental hobby. Then asks for divorce. Unfortunately, I know a dozen of these couples. Messy, sad divorces

You need to go back to work and start re-engaging him in family responsibilities before it's too late.

She could still go back to work and have him not reengage in family responsibilities and then she ends up with two jobs (default parent at home and a demanding career too). That would just put more stress on everyone. BTDT. I don't think that going back to work means that he automatically re-engages in family responsibilities, that can only occur with some conversations. I do know some situations where work might have helped, but others where the family is so overwhelmed, either with lots of kids, a super-demanding job for one partner, or special needs, that it is best to have someone at home part-time or full-time.

Unless you make as much money as he Does, the power dynamic will still exist. He Will leave kids as your role.

Anonymous wrote:You need to go back to work ASAP.

I'm 45 and I know many couples in situations like yours.

Husband is slowly changing his view on life to believe his main/only purpose is to be breadwinner. Gets distorted sense of power, see kids and eventually wife as nuisance. Rationalizes having an affair, or some other detrimental hobby. Then asks for divorce. Unfortunately, I know a dozen of these couples. Messy, sad divorces

You need to go back to work and start re-engaging him in family responsibilities before it's too late.

She could still go back to work and have him not reengage in family responsibilities and then she ends up with two jobs (default parent at home and a demanding career too). That would just put more stress on everyone. BTDT. I don't think that going back to work means that he automatically re-engages in family responsibilities, that can only occur with some conversations. I do know some situations where work might have helped, but others where the family is so overwhelmed, either with lots of kids, a super-demanding job for one partner, or special needs, that it is best to have someone at home part-time or full-time.

Anonymous wrote:I went to work on weekends and few nights. So much easier than being at home with kids. House is a complete mess when I return and DH exhausted, but now he knows how hard it is at home with a toddler.

Where are you working?

You need to go back to work ASAP.

I'm 45 and I know many couples in situations like yours.

Husband is slowly changing his view on life to believe his main/only purpose is to be breadwinner. Gets distorted sense of power, see kids and eventually wife as nuisance. Rationalizes having an affair, or some other detrimental hobby. Then asks for divorce. Unfortunately, I know a dozen of these couples. Messy, sad divorces

You need to go back to work and start re-engaging him in family responsibilities before it's too late.

I'm sorry, but there is no reason you should be going it alone on the weekends. And regarding the screen time, to me it seems like that should be a simple, brief conversation between you and DH whenever, doesn't need to be that hard (for either of you).

This is why I went back to work. If I asked him to collaborate on screen time rules he would have looked at me like I'd grown a second head. Now we both work again and we both agree trying to draw up screen time rules is a nice idea but not something we have the energy to enforce.

We are like this too. I actually thought the best parenting dynamic was when I was working and DH was at home with the kids. He is a great dad, but he simply cannot juggle working and parenthood. Once he went back to work, he pushed everything back onto me. Which is why I ended up staying at home.

In short, I am a SAHM because my DH has this kind of personality and attitude toward his work, not the other way around.

I went to work on weekends and few nights. So much easier than being at home with kids. House is a complete mess when I return and DH exhausted, but now he knows how hard it is at home with a toddler.

You’re a SAHM, meaning 45-50 hours a week, you raise kids on your own. 45-50 hours a week, your DH does his job elsewhere.

Your off work time is evenings and weekends. You feel like you’re doing a lot more because you’re with the kids 24/7, but you’re not. Part of the time is your job, part of the time is just parent duties.

Your DH probably should be more involved on the weekends, but he has his job, you have your job, and it’s not crazy that the off time balance skews to one parent. Pretty typical in fact. My dad had two weekend duties for me - pick me up from gymnastics on Saturday at noon, and pick me up from dance on a Sunday at 9pm. My SAHM did everything else in the evenings and on weekends. Maybe ask DH to take on a regular kid related task on the weekend and see how it goes.

I’m not saying it’s right, but you have more time to think and analyze kids rules/activities/behavior issues than he does. He probably just wants some downtime when at home, and to get through those conversations quickly so he can check it off his list.

Obviously you’re right - he needs to spend time with the kids. I don’t know how you can force him to do that if he isn’t doing it.