Anonymous wrote:1. hire a lawyer.
2. get full custody of the kids.
3. make sure you tell the kids about her affair and make sure the kids blame her.
4. don't let her have your schedule bi-weekly visits with the kids.
5. tell all your family and friends she doesn't pay child support even if she does.
6. start all your sentences with "as a single father with no help from my ex....."
7. tell all your friends how hard life is and how much you sacrifice for the kids and bask in their sympathy.
8. suggest to your friends that they should also consider divorce every time they have a fight with their spouse because you feel so empowered by your divorce and that you and the kids are thriving.

Anonymous wrote:Not that this will make him feel better, but if it's been the status quo for 3+ years, she loves him enough to want to stay married and not hurt him. She's just getting some need fulfilled that he couldn't provide.

Anonymous wrote:1. hire a lawyer.
2. get full custody of the kids.
3. make sure you tell the kids about her affair and make sure the kids blame her.
4. don't let her have your schedule bi-weekly visits with the kids.
5. tell all your family and friends she doesn't pay child support even if she does.
6. start all your sentences with "as a single father with no help from my ex....."
7. tell all your friends how hard life is and how much you sacrifice for the kids and bask in their sympathy.
8. suggest to your friends that they should also consider divorce every time they have a fight with their spouse because you feel so empowered by your divorce and that you and the kids are thriving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of affair, how long, why? Did she confess first or did he find out some other way?
In the scheme of life, monogamy can be hard and people can stumble. It’s possible for them to work through it and put it behind them. Does he think he can forgive her?

His best guess is that its been going on maybe 3 years. He found out after loading spyware on her phone.

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I wish people said to me:

1) There is nothing you did or didn't do that caused this. The problem is in the cheater. Cheating isn't about what kind of sex life you have, whether you've gained what or are good in bed, or whatever. It's about the cheater using and manipulating other human beings (both the spouse and AP) to fill an internal need they have.

2) Normal healthy people solve whatever relationship problems they have thru dialogue and compromise. Your spouse has to be willing to go to individual therapy to explore what their need is, why they chose to solve it by lying to loved ones and what they can do now to be honest about their needs, negotiate transparently and make amends for their betrayal/abuse.

3) The victim spouse also has to go to individual counseling and see an attorney. The purpose of individual counseling is to learn why people have affairs and what is reasonable to expect from the perpetrator spouse if the relationship is to continue (cut off all contact with AP< full disclosure of whatever victim spouse wants to know, ongoing transparency and ongoing amends). The purpose of the attorney is, obviously, to figure out what a likely custody, child support and asset split would be and to gather necessary documents.

4) If it were me, I'd advise seeking a post-nuptial. Attorneys might argue how enforceable they are, but I do think they have the effect of clarifying for the perpetrator spouse exactly what is at stake if they continue with the current AP or seek new ones.

Anonymous wrote:What kind of affair, how long, why? Did she confess first or did he find out some other way?
In the scheme of life, monogamy can be hard and people can stumble. It’s possible for them to work through it and put it behind them. Does he think he can forgive her?

Anonymous wrote:Is there any chance they can work things out? Obviously there were problems in the marriage prior to the cheating-- hence the cheating. Would they be willing to work on it?

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I wish people said to me:

1) There is nothing you did or didn't do that caused this. The problem is in the cheater. Cheating isn't about what kind of sex life you have, whether you've gained what or are good in bed, or whatever. It's about the cheater using and manipulating other human beings (both the spouse and AP) to fill an internal need they have.

2) Normal healthy people solve whatever relationship problems they have thru dialogue and compromise. Your spouse has to be willing to go to individual therapy to explore what their need is, why they chose to solve it by lying to loved ones and what they can do now to be honest about their needs, negotiate transparently and make amends for their betrayal/abuse.

3) The victim spouse also has to go to individual counseling and see an attorney. The purpose of individual counseling is to learn why people have affairs and what is reasonable to expect from the perpetrator spouse if the relationship is to continue (cut off all contact with AP< full disclosure of whatever victim spouse wants to know, ongoing transparency and ongoing amends). The purpose of the attorney is, obviously, to figure out what a likely custody, child support and asset split would be and to gather necessary documents.

4) If it were me, I'd advise seeking a post-nuptial. Attorneys might argue how enforceable they are, but I do think they have the effect of clarifying for the perpetrator spouse exactly what is at stake if they continue with the current AP or seek new ones.

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I wish people said to me:

1) There is nothing you did or didn't do that caused this. The problem is in the cheater. Cheating isn't about what kind of sex life you have, whether you've gained what or are good in bed, or whatever. It's about the cheater using and manipulating other human beings (both the spouse and AP) to fill an internal need they have.

2) Normal healthy people solve whatever relationship problems they have thru dialogue and compromise. Your spouse has to be willing to go to individual therapy to explore what their need is, why they chose to solve it by lying to loved ones and what they can do now to be honest about their needs, negotiate transparently and make amends for their betrayal/abuse.

3) The victim spouse also has to go to individual counseling and see an attorney. The purpose of individual counseling is to learn why people have affairs and what is reasonable to expect from the perpetrator spouse if the relationship is to continue (cut off all contact with AP< full disclosure of whatever victim spouse wants to know, ongoing transparency and ongoing amends). The purpose of the attorney is, obviously, to figure out what a likely custody, child support and asset split would be and to gather necessary documents.

4) If it were me, I'd advise seeking a post-nuptial. Attorneys might argue how enforceable they are, but I do think they have the effect of clarifying for the perpetrator spouse exactly what is at stake if they continue with the current AP or seek new ones.