Anonymous
03/27/2018 11:21
Subject: Re:Unfair sibling treatment
Anonymous wrote:My family also has a biased dynamic, though with 4 kids so it's a bit more complicated. The hardest part is that even when I tried to talk about it, everyone claimed that it was all in my head. It's not. Only my other disfavored sister recognizes the craziness and we discuss it. It helped a lot when I had kids and realized that it's just terrible parenting. My parents should know better.
Now I am much more proactive about managing our interactions. I try to avoid socializing with the whole family at once because the unhealthy dynamic is most obvious when we're all in one place. I also no longer want to know anything about financial assistance or gifts to the favored siblings. Don't tell me. It's not my business and does nothing but make me upset. If it was me, I'd think about what is making you upset and cut those interactions out of your life. I'd also not be afraid to stand up for yourself if someone says something unfair about you in your presence. There's no reason to let yourself be shat upon. It's not like you have anything to lose if they're already being terrible to you.
Here’s the kicker:
Life isn’t equal.
No one can make you “upset” over inequalities, save for you
You can cut your parents and siblings out of your life, but most people don’t understand the actual consequence of that.
Anonymous
03/27/2018 08:03
Subject: Re:Unfair sibling treatment
My family also has a biased dynamic, though with 4 kids so it's a bit more complicated. The hardest part is that even when I tried to talk about it, everyone claimed that it was all in my head. It's not. Only my other disfavored sister recognizes the craziness and we discuss it. It helped a lot when I had kids and realized that it's just terrible parenting. My parents should know better.
Now I am much more proactive about managing our interactions. I try to avoid socializing with the whole family at once because the unhealthy dynamic is most obvious when we're all in one place. I also no longer want to know anything about financial assistance or gifts to the favored siblings. Don't tell me. It's not my business and does nothing but make me upset. If it was me, I'd think about what is making you upset and cut those interactions out of your life. I'd also not be afraid to stand up for yourself if someone says something unfair about you in your presence. There's no reason to let yourself be shat upon. It's not like you have anything to lose if they're already being terrible to you.
Now I am much more proactive about managing our interactions. I try to avoid socializing with the whole family at once because the unhealthy dynamic is most obvious when we're all in one place. I also no longer want to know anything about financial assistance or gifts to the favored siblings. Don't tell me. It's not my business and does nothing but make me upset. If it was me, I'd think about what is making you upset and cut those interactions out of your life. I'd also not be afraid to stand up for yourself if someone says something unfair about you in your presence. There's no reason to let yourself be shat upon. It's not like you have anything to lose if they're already being terrible to you.
Anonymous
03/27/2018 08:03
Subject: Unfair sibling treatment
Anonymous wrote:OP here ... thanks for the responses! I think the worst part is how it’s manifesting to the treatment of my daughter vs my niece (sisters daughter). Again on social media, my niece is “perfect” and “so gorgeous”! Mine gets “cute” at best.
Honestly, OP, a lot of this would benefit from you stopping yourself from examining and weighing every word, and just letting stuff go that really doesn’t matter. Cute vs. Gorgeous? You’re fretting about that? Really?
Life isn’t an equal place. It’s fair, but not equal. Your daughter may be cute, but she also has things your niece doesn’t have, including a mother who buster her ass to get where she wanted to be. Don’t discount the advantages that something like that gives a child, long term.
One thing I’ve learned on this board is that comparison is the thief of all happiness. It’s so friggin true. The more you compare the treatment your daughter and niece get, the more unhappy you’re going to be. The more you compare the relationship your mother and you, and your mother and your sister have, the more unhappy you’re going to be. If you didn’t know the other side, would you be satisfied / happy?
The thing is, you’re in charge of your life. You’re choosing to waste time and effort stomping your feet about an inequality that you can’t change, and may have roots deeper than you think. It’s true what PPs have said, in that certain parents stick on the most needy of their children, so take it as a compliment that you have your stuff together.
Anonymous
03/27/2018 06:36
Subject: Unfair sibling treatment
Get off of Facebook. Problem solved.
Anonymous
03/26/2018 21:51
Subject: Unfair sibling treatment
OP here ... thanks for the responses! I think the worst part is how it’s manifesting to the treatment of my daughter vs my niece (sisters daughter). Again on social media, my niece is “perfect” and “so gorgeous”! Mine gets “cute” at best.
Anonymous
03/26/2018 08:33
Subject: Unfair sibling treatment
Anonymous wrote:My sister and I are about 2 years apart. My sister is very much my mother’s daughter. I’m more similar to my dad.
My mom is basically my sister’s biggest fan ... anything my sister posts on social media, she’s all over it. Proclaiming she’s “gorgeous” and how she’s “so proud of her”. My mom paid her bills for a couple years after college... and bought my sister a business that she ran for a few years that failed and she had to close, costing my my mom and dad a lot of money. Then my sister had a child, was a stay at home mom, and is now is a part time makeup artist.
Meanwhile, I graduated on time, got a job with a top architecture firm, moved out of state to a new city, received NO money while my sister got money from my parents. Which I’m fine to not get money because I had a job, but my sister was totally free loading and had everything paid for by my parents while I was struggling. Including for her, a super nice apartment in a great part of our hometown - she was not living at home with my parents.
I myself have had a child and have worked my way up, manage multi million dollar projects, make great money, design beautiful spaces... if I post anything on social media and there’s no response from my mom... maybe an occasional like.
It’s noticeable enough that mutual friends of myself and my sister have commented to me on the difference... I know I should probably just get over it but it hurts so bad. Any advice?
BTDT. ((((Hugs)))) It stinks. It is hard and it won't change. I also suggest finding a therapist to help you move out of the anger. Therapist's have ways of framing situations so that we can move beyond the hurt and help you figure out where to draw your boundary.
Does your sister acknowledge the discrepancy? Mine did and that helped. Even if she doesn't, your friends have noticed and that can help too. You are not alone in this.
Anonymous
03/26/2018 00:47
Subject: Re:Unfair sibling treatment
Anonymous wrote:OP, you would probably feel a little better about the situation if you understood the logic of it - your sister need a walking cane otherwise she will collapse. Your mother realizes it very well and volunteers to be a walking cane. She masks your sister's "limp" with applauding.
You, as an opposite, stand on your own feet. That's the difference between you and your sister. And don't forget, in many families parent pay more attention to the crippled one.
This was very true in my family. Later in life, my mother acknowledged that she paid more attention to my brother, but she said it was because she always worried about him. On the other hand, she knew that I would be ok (which was true -- I am much more successful than my brother). She did apologize to me for that. There was a time in my life when this made me sad, but now I understand that it has made me strong. I don't know that I would have survived some of the curveballs that life has thrown at me otherwise.
Anonymous
03/24/2018 23:41
Subject: Re:Unfair sibling treatment
Anonymous wrote:Some parents noticeably favor the child that makes them feel "needed." They thrive on the still being in active mom mode for the children who fails to launch well into adulthood.
+1
Anonymous
03/24/2018 21:57
Subject: Re:Unfair sibling treatment
It sounds like what you’re writing about, OP, is a sense of unfair favoritism, not a normal amount of help for someone who might have needed a boost. Look up information on the golden child and scapegoat dynamic. If it feels like it fits your experience, it may help you as a jumping off point for exploring your family relationships.
Anonymous
03/24/2018 10:26
Subject: Unfair sibling treatment
OP, a lot of times a narcissistic mother will favor one child and ignore the other. The one who's ignored (or even picked on) is the one she can't control, the one who is stronger and more independent.
And of course, this feeds on itself. She does too much for your sister and focuses on her, which weakens your sister and binds her to her.
While in some ways it seems your sister has reaped the benefits, it's hurt her too. It weakened her. Deep down, she knows it's wrong and she probably feels weird and guilty that you're not treated the same. And she feels she owes your mom, and that she has to uphold the narrative of your mom as so loving and helpful. So your mom gets to keep controlling and feeding off of her.
My mom was like this with my brother being the golden child she couldn't do enough for, and me being pushed out and negated. And it carried on. He's since died, and now she lavishes that favoritism on his grown kids, and doesn't even consider me part of her immediate family.
I did a lot of work understanding her NPD over the years, and accepting that I really have no mother, never did, never will. The sooner you grieve and accept, and realize she can't change, the sooner you move forward.
Don't let it come between you and your sister. Part of what feeds your mom is probably creating a distance between you two. Your sister didn't ask for this mother, any more than you did.
And of course, this feeds on itself. She does too much for your sister and focuses on her, which weakens your sister and binds her to her.
While in some ways it seems your sister has reaped the benefits, it's hurt her too. It weakened her. Deep down, she knows it's wrong and she probably feels weird and guilty that you're not treated the same. And she feels she owes your mom, and that she has to uphold the narrative of your mom as so loving and helpful. So your mom gets to keep controlling and feeding off of her.
My mom was like this with my brother being the golden child she couldn't do enough for, and me being pushed out and negated. And it carried on. He's since died, and now she lavishes that favoritism on his grown kids, and doesn't even consider me part of her immediate family.
I did a lot of work understanding her NPD over the years, and accepting that I really have no mother, never did, never will. The sooner you grieve and accept, and realize she can't change, the sooner you move forward.
Don't let it come between you and your sister. Part of what feeds your mom is probably creating a distance between you two. Your sister didn't ask for this mother, any more than you did.
Anonymous
03/24/2018 07:09
Subject: Re:Unfair sibling treatment
Some parents noticeably favor the child that makes them feel "needed." They thrive on the still being in active mom mode for the children who fails to launch well into adulthood.
Anonymous
03/24/2018 06:57
Subject: Unfair sibling treatment
Also you can best believe your mom will want your unconditional support when she gets old and frail.
Anonymous
03/24/2018 06:56
Subject: Re:Unfair sibling treatment
Anonymous wrote:OP, you would probably feel a little better about the situation if you understood the logic of it - your sister need a walking cane otherwise she will collapse. Your mother realizes it very well and volunteers to be a walking cane. She masks your sister's "limp" with applauding.
You, as an opposite, stand on your own feet. That's the difference between you and your sister. And don't forget, in many families parent pay more attention to the crippled one.
That doesn’t explain why the mom didn’t help the OP when she needed help. I would tell her the disparity in our treatment is unacceptable. If she gets mad that’s her problem. You need to go to therapy to help you stop caring what she thinks. Where was your father in all of this?
Anonymous
03/23/2018 20:55
Subject: Unfair sibling treatment
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op, often times the child who is NOT the spoiled favorite winds up doing better in life. You are a prime example of that. You are better off because you weren't spoiled. Thank your lucky stars.
Thanks for the validation... I am realizing that! But it still hurts so bad!!
My sister married “well” after years of my parents’ support. So now she has this “hobby” job and it’s so frustrating.
My husband and I together make way more than her husband and our house is half the cost. We are very conservative... and my parents make fun of us for it.
Would you trade places? All of it?
Mostly, no. I have a great marriage and daughter and a great career that I have EARNED. Worked my ass off for years. I guess it just doesn’t matter if you are 20 or 49.... it just sucks when you’ve done everything right and your mom doesn’t acknowledge it. And if that just was how she is, I’d just deal with it. But she is legit obsessed with my sister.
Anonymous
03/23/2018 20:54
Subject: Re:Unfair sibling treatment
OP, you would probably feel a little better about the situation if you understood the logic of it - your sister need a walking cane otherwise she will collapse. Your mother realizes it very well and volunteers to be a walking cane. She masks your sister's "limp" with applauding.
You, as an opposite, stand on your own feet. That's the difference between you and your sister. And don't forget, in many families parent pay more attention to the crippled one.
You, as an opposite, stand on your own feet. That's the difference between you and your sister. And don't forget, in many families parent pay more attention to the crippled one.