Anonymous
03/20/2018 07:38
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Yes it would be too helicopter-ish to stay within driving distance of your MIL's house. Either agree to trust her with a visit or don't, but don't do that!
A (nonstop) flight for a 12 year old would be perfectly fine IMO and a great growth experience for your kid. I did it starting at age 11 to visit my grandparents, and it was such a fun experience. However, I was very close to my grandparents and there were years of built up trust in that relationship for both me and my parents.
The problem here is that you don't have that trust! I would encourage you to ask MIL to take the kids for the day on your turf, or do an overnight near your house so you and your husband can get away. If she isn't willing to do that, then I don't see how you get to the place where you can do summer visits unfortunately.
Say "It's just hard to think that far in the future, I'm not sure how I would feel about that down the line." I don't think you should suggest you would be comfortable at older ages when you very well may never get to that point - because it's not just about their ages, it's about your trust in her to care for them - it's false hope for her.
A (nonstop) flight for a 12 year old would be perfectly fine IMO and a great growth experience for your kid. I did it starting at age 11 to visit my grandparents, and it was such a fun experience. However, I was very close to my grandparents and there were years of built up trust in that relationship for both me and my parents.
The problem here is that you don't have that trust! I would encourage you to ask MIL to take the kids for the day on your turf, or do an overnight near your house so you and your husband can get away. If she isn't willing to do that, then I don't see how you get to the place where you can do summer visits unfortunately.
Say "It's just hard to think that far in the future, I'm not sure how I would feel about that down the line." I don't think you should suggest you would be comfortable at older ages when you very well may never get to that point - because it's not just about their ages, it's about your trust in her to care for them - it's false hope for her.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 14:35
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let my kids fly alone, even if they were older teenagers. You never know what can happen. Flight being delayed, canceled etc. Weirdos out there ...
It's a short flight, one parent can bring them, grandparent can bring them back ...
That's ridiculous. If the flight is delayed, that's communicated to the person picking them up. If it's canceled, it's re-booked. My son spent a night sleeping in JFK when he was 16 because of a snowstorm. I told him to hook his foot into his bag and sleep with it under him in some way. No problem.
OPs kids are 7 and 10... a huge difference between those ages and a 16 year old.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 14:33
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Anonymous wrote:Like you said, don't argue the hypothetical future. You just need to say something like "huh, maybe, hard to imagine right now because they are still too young". Then change the subject.
What you do not want to do is put it in her head you've written off all future things like this, because if she's anything like my own MIL, she will then latch onto this as The Thing That Is Most Important and it's all she'll talk about. So I keep it vague. They are clearly too young right now, so it's not a huge issue. And when they get older my feelings may change a bit. We'll start slow. But again, she doesn't need to know that would be my plan.
100% this. You may not want to do this right now. You may change your mind about it in a few years, but what you definitely won't change your mind about is not wanting to hear about it for the next few years. Be vague and then change the subject. Don't shut it down unless you do not trust your MIL for some specific reason or there is a specific reason why your child cannot fly alone.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 14:21
Subject: Re:How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
np: My parents are similar to your ILs. Last year I sent them my 10 yo and 14 yo dds for a week and they had a nice time. But I have a 7 yo ds with SN and in order to make my mom visit him, I said she could only have the girls if she came up for 2 days to see all of us before and after flying with the girls to her house. He is a trusting and loving kid, and he adores her.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 13:04
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let my kids fly alone, even if they were older teenagers. You never know what can happen. Flight being delayed, canceled etc. Weirdos out there ...
It's a short flight, one parent can bring them, grandparent can bring them back ...
That's ridiculous. If the flight is delayed, that's communicated to the person picking them up. If it's canceled, it's re-booked. My son spent a night sleeping in JFK when he was 16 because of a snowstorm. I told him to hook his foot into his bag and sleep with it under him in some way. No problem.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 13:02
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
I don’t understand your automatic “no” response. Kids are able to fly and might possibly enjoy the time with grandparents. Otherwise, fly them or drive there and you and DH go on a vacation from there. People are so controlling...
Anonymous
03/19/2018 12:29
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
We fly our kids to my parents (alone) and think it's fine. But my kids have a great relationship, my parents clear their calendar and I know they are in good hands. I would also feel totally comfortable sending them to my inlays but they have never asked.
I think the advice on letting them start at your house is the right one. I do think it's important for grandkids to have a relationship with their grandparents that is separate from their parents (as long as the grandparents are responsible and sane...) so I encourage you to not rule it out completely as sometimes the grandparent/ grandkid relationship gets stronger as the kids get older.
I think the advice on letting them start at your house is the right one. I do think it's important for grandkids to have a relationship with their grandparents that is separate from their parents (as long as the grandparents are responsible and sane...) so I encourage you to not rule it out completely as sometimes the grandparent/ grandkid relationship gets stronger as the kids get older.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 11:59
Subject: Re:How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
My MIL recently asked my husband if we'd put our three year old on a plane out to see her....yeah no. One, he is THREE and two he has food allergies (egg, dairy, peanut) that she has NO idea how to manage/has never prepared food for. Fortunately my husband also thought that idea was absurd. He vaguely said....maybe around high school age.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 11:30
Subject: Re:How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
"Yeah, sure, that sounds great! Dh and I would love that!"
Meanwhile, you're thinking, "No f**ing way is that happening."
If you don't hate her, throw her a bone and be kind. Give her something to look forward to. It's harmless. But, of course, when the time comes, there will be a reason every summer as to why this won't be happening, including your kids wanting to go to summer camp or whatever.
Meanwhile, you're thinking, "No f**ing way is that happening."
If you don't hate her, throw her a bone and be kind. Give her something to look forward to. It's harmless. But, of course, when the time comes, there will be a reason every summer as to why this won't be happening, including your kids wanting to go to summer camp or whatever.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 11:29
Subject: Re:How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
My MIL said something similar... when DD was 3 weeks old! Any verbal filter I had must have malfunctioned in the moment because I also gave an immediate hard no, not going to happen rather than a more measured "oh we'll see what the future holds" kind of diplomatic response. Thankfully, in the time since I've been able to deflect with the noncommittal "we'll see what the future holds, I think it'll be a while before DD is ready for any of that" response.
DH has not learned how to be as diplomatic, however, and still has a more visceral "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" response when MIL mentions DD staying with her for the summer or flying there for weeks on end without us. So I'll be off the hook for actually fighting any battles if MIL gets more insistent on the topic.
DH has not learned how to be as diplomatic, however, and still has a more visceral "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" response when MIL mentions DD staying with her for the summer or flying there for weeks on end without us. So I'll be off the hook for actually fighting any battles if MIL gets more insistent on the topic.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 11:19
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Why not send the kids for a week so you and DH can have a real vacation? I've never done that specifically, but since my first was 1, we've had grandparents fly in for a week every year so we could go on vacation.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 11:13
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
You don't. You smile and nod and then vent to your friends. Let DH handle.
FYI my kid wasn't ready til age 15 because, she said, "if the plane crashes I don't want to die alone". LOL. Thanks Sweetie!
FYI my kid wasn't ready til age 15 because, she said, "if the plane crashes I don't want to die alone". LOL. Thanks Sweetie!
Anonymous
03/19/2018 11:08
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
I know people who do have their kids fly alone to stay with grandparents. It's not totally unthinkable. Most airlines have a minimum age limit for unaccompanied minors, so it's a moot point until that. But once it's a possibility, you should consider it, especially if it can be done on a direct flight. It's not like your kid will be left to wander the airport by himself.
My mom flies out to pick up my daughter, who is under the age limit, so she can spend a week with my parents every summer. My husband and I fly out and pick her up (we spend some time with my parents then, so not just out and back). They all have a wonderful time, and it's a really special bonding experience.
My mom flies out to pick up my daughter, who is under the age limit, so she can spend a week with my parents every summer. My husband and I fly out and pick her up (we spend some time with my parents then, so not just out and back). They all have a wonderful time, and it's a really special bonding experience.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 11:03
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Anonymous wrote:On a recent visit, MIL announced that she can't wait for grandkids to be old enough for DH and I to "put them on a plane to come see us for a week or two in the summer"
When I responded "by themselves?? That isn't going to happen..." (I know, it came out that abruptly too, but that was my immediate gut reaction), MIL looked as though I had just slapped her. So I sort of tried to justify my reaction by explaining that it's not that they wouldn't enjoy visiting, but they aren't even comfortable sitting in a different ROW from us when we are on the same plane, so I can't see them wanting to be on a 3-hour flight without us. (Kids are 10 and 7 btw.)
MIL looked surprised but replied, "well I didn't really mean now, but...maybe in a year or two."
The thing is, I didn't want to argue a hypothetical, but it seems absurd to me, as neither DH nor I flew alone on a plane until we were in late HS/college. More importantly, when MIL and FIL come to visit for about 8-10 days roughly 3 to 4 times a year, they never offer to babysit or take the kids anywhere without us. Not even out to dinner or to a movie for a few hours. If they ever do it at all it is because we have explicitly asked them to babysit and they act as though this is a huge favor they are doing rather than a delightful opportunity to spend with the grandkids. It doesn't make sense that they would suddenly want them to come stay for an entire week at a time without us.
I ended up saying, "well we'll see..."
But what do I do if she continues to revisit this as they get older? Do I offer to get on a plane with them and take them to her house and then disappear on my own for a week within driving distance? Or is that too helicopter-ish? I mean she did raise my DH so it's not that I think she is incapable of watching our kids. It's just that I'm not sure it would be comfortable for any of them. And this may sound terrible, but what if she is just doing it to keep the pace with her friends who take their grandkids (who live in the same town) on frequent vacations? This seems like an issue that could blow up if I don't figure out what to say next time it comes up. Or should I say nothing and let DH handle it?
Personally, I would not borrow trouble. Meaning most of the time you worry about things that never happen. So, until an invitation arrives I wouldn't worry about it or even think about it. It may never happen or it could happen this summer. If it does happen than you can think about what to do. Ie ask your kids if they want to do it. See if you can have MIL fly out to get them for the first time. Who knows it might be sincere and she may really want to get to know your kids? Perhaps she didn't when she was with you because she was on your turf so to speak?
Anonymous
03/19/2018 10:46
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Maybe next time she brings it up you could suggest the first intermediate step of her watching the kids overnight at your house while you and DH go away for the night. If she says yes, great. If she says no or seems reluctant, that will help you in future discussions about solo trips.
She may just be fantasizing to herself. You could just keep saying, “let’s see” and “maybe.” If you have to give a firm “no,” let your DH do it.
This. Or just take them for the day during a visit while you and DH run errands. See how that goes and if it's bad, you're done discussing it.
Yes to both of these things. I keep it vague, and make my DH follow up with any firm refusals.