Anonymous wrote:If you had a son, it would be easy to say that accumulating wealth and job success will be all that is needed. That’s hardly the case for most women, though.

If I had a son who was unattractive, I would still tell him how handsome he was. This is something kids need to hear. The world can be a cruel place, but if they grow up knowing that at least their parents thought they were handsome or beautiful, that can give them the security they need when the rest of the world tells them otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is beautiful don’t talk to her about this in the way you are suggesting. I would scarred if my mom said that to me. People change too in their looks- it actually sounds like you value good looks more than you think. Most people don’t think about this this much!

I agree. I also wouldn't talk about it as you're suggesting, OP.

Most of us don't care about model-type beauty. What is attractive in a person is the light in their eyes, their smile, their humor and their character. For me, those aren't platitudes. It's completely true. Some model-beautiful people I've known in person quickly became completely unattractive. I know some "normal"-looking people who are attractive to their model-looking spouses. I think the subtext of the message you are suggesting for your daughter is "you are not pretty." That doesn't need to be said. "pretty" is shallow. Charisma is what makes a person attractive. Good health also helps a lot, so encourage good eating and lots of physical activity. (also, the most attractive people in high school are no longer the most attractive in their 40s and 50s. Your message is just not a needed one. Just tell her about all the things that make her an attractive person, in the sense of being an appealing person.)

I think maybe teens who are not very bright might believe they are beautiful just because their mom tells them but most teens are able to assess variations in attractiveness in their peers and in themselves and are not so simple that a platitude gives them self confidence.

I had parents who were honest. We talked about appearance and weight and all the different ways that people are different and have different strengths, talents, personalities, characteristics etc that make them who they are and that while everyone as a whole package has a great deal to offer, not everyone is beautiful, not everyone is athletic, not everyone is smart etc.

Since it was never matter of fact and part of conversations throughout our lives, it allowed us to grow up with very positive body image, strong self confidence, and it was a good thing, not a bad. We weren't put down, my parents were just very logical, realistic people who told it like it was. None of us needed therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, a quick look around the DC area easily confirms that average to below average looking people find similar looking partners. Lots of ugly people too. But NO: don’t give your kid a complex at a young age.

Have you ever been physically attracted to someone only to discover that after you get to know them they are not so hot? What looked good from afar gets less and less attractive the more they open their mouth and the less considerate they are?

Funny how that works. Some of those "ugly" people that you see from afar might very well be drop dead gorgeous once you get to know them. And some of those "hotties" from afar turn into "notties" once you get to know them.

Beauty radiates from within.

On some level, but there is no escaping outward appearances.

True. There is a definite advantage to being beautiful. No question. But being beautiful is not going to be enough to get you by in life. You have to have more going for you than that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, a quick look around the DC area easily confirms that average to below average looking people find similar looking partners. Lots of ugly people too. But NO: don’t give your kid a complex at a young age.

Have you ever been physically attracted to someone only to discover that after you get to know them they are not so hot? What looked good from afar gets less and less attractive the more they open their mouth and the less considerate they are?

Funny how that works. Some of those "ugly" people that you see from afar might very well be drop dead gorgeous once you get to know them. And some of those "hotties" from afar turn into "notties" once you get to know them.

Beauty radiates from within.

On some level, but there is no escaping outward appearances.

Anonymous wrote:If you had a son, it would be easy to say that accumulating wealth and job success will be all that is needed. That’s hardly the case for most women, though.

Oh, I think that the tables have pretty much been turned upside down on that. Young women get more encouragement and opportunities now than most guys do these day.

Anonymous wrote:Well, a quick look around the DC area easily confirms that average to below average looking people find similar looking partners. Lots of ugly people too. But NO: don’t give your kid a complex at a young age.

Have you ever been physically attracted to someone only to discover that after you get to know them they are not so hot? What looked good from afar gets less and less attractive the more they open their mouth and the less considerate they are?

Funny how that works. Some of those "ugly" people that you see from afar might very well be drop dead gorgeous once you get to know them. And some of those "hotties" from afar turn into "notties" once you get to know them.

Beauty radiates from within.

If you had a son, it would be easy to say that accumulating wealth and job success will be all that is needed. That’s hardly the case for most women, though.

Well, a quick look around the DC area easily confirms that average to below average looking people find similar looking partners. Lots of ugly people too. But NO: don’t give your kid a complex at a young age.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is beautiful don’t talk to her about this in the way you are suggesting. I would scarred if my mom said that to me. People change too in their looks- it actually sounds like you value good looks more than you think. Most people don’t think about this this much!

You must be gorgeous if you think people don't think about this that much. The rest of us females have been thinking about it constantly since childhood.

I have always told my daughter she's beautiful, and I always will. I would never, ever tell a child she (or he) wasn't beautiful in every way. Whether or not that child was average, unattractive, or truly exquisite.

Of course, we tell our kids they're smart, kind, funny, interesting, etc. But for a child to think their parents don't find them beautiful is soul-crushing. That's just the way it is.

My mom put it this way: if you tell a child, especially a girl, that she's pretty and looks wonderful, then she can put that worry out of her mind and concentrate on the important stuff, like school. I think this is absolutely true. When my daughter feels pretty and looks the way she wants to look, I find she's much more able to forget about it, stop worrying, and get on with other things. Whereas if she was constantly seeking approval and feeling insecure about her looks, she'd always be focused on that and not her classes, hobbies, etc.

I remember when I was first getting to know my MIL. I like her a lot and get along with her great, but noticed that she never gives out compliments. Even on our wedding day, she never told me I looked beautiful. And she and my FIL have never told our daughter that she's pretty. I've finally come to terms with the fact that they just don't do that - they're very kind in all ways, but they aren't particularly demonstrative. I think if I had grown up with them as my parents, I would feel very insecure, not knowing if I was attractive or not. Let's face it, all children, girls especially, want to be pretty/handsome. No one wants to think they're ugly.

My mom has always told me I was beautiful, and consequently, I always felt very secure in that department. It's simply a loving thing to do.

That is going to be heard as "I'm not pretty" whether you meant it to or not. Don't do it. Focus on "looks aren't everything" or "looks fade, it's important to get an education" - messages like that. Agree that Untangled is a helpful, worthwhile read.

Anonymous wrote:So I am average looking and I have a great life and have what I want and need in the world and I have average looking children, is it wrong to have a pep-talk that it is OK not to be beautiful? That DCs can have love, career, and joy without beauty? Along the lines of articles such as these:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/nathan-biberdorf/not-everyone-is-beautiful_b_5554940.html

https://www.xojane.com/issues/you-are-not-beautiful

No, I don't think you say something like that. For one thing, everyone wants to be pretty, especially young girls. And while it's "OK" to be plain, the reality is the pretty girls are going to have an easier time in life. That's just fact. Wishing it away isn't going to prepare her for harsh reality.

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a show don't tell situation. If my mom had had a "you don't need to be pretty to be successful" conversation with me, I definitely would have assumed that her subtext was that I was hideously ugly. However, I think you can model and highlight that women are smart, interesting, and powerful and downplay a focus on looks.

This. Show her that you are confident and love yourself the way you are. Show her that looks are not the most important thing about a person. If you tell her "it's ok not to be pretty" what she will hear is "you aren't pretty." Do not put that thought into her head. It will be devastating.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, that's the point I would want to get across, especially these days in our multicultural world.