Op, you’re not too bright. You had three kids with a guy who treated you like crap and somewhere along the way, you dropped out of the workforce.


You need to figure out how to make it work out with this husband of yours

Is this your husband?
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/709957.page

Anonymous wrote:get a job. Do this before doing anything else. Are you employable? you will get some alimony but a judge will expect you to get a job very very soon as you are in your highest earning years. If you find you are not very employable then learn to suck it up with this asshole. These are the choices you made. He didn't turn this way over night and you kept having kids with him and you turned a blind eye to his sexting. So even after all that YOU chose to put yourself and worse, your kids, into this toxic co dependent relationship.

This. You spent a long time getting yourself in this situation and it’s going to take you a long time to get out of it.

I’m confused. Did he just start acting like this? Why did you have three kids together? If you don’t have a job and decent earnings potential, your life is going to suck. Make sure you’re on birth control.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thanks for the advice. My goal right now will be to save money and then look into some new career options for when my youngest begins kindergarten. My goal is when I am ready to make my move - I have a comfortable amount of money saved to get me started with my own place and a job that can help sustain us. It is going to take a lot of time- a few years basically- but unfortunately I do not have anywhere to go. I am just extremely unhappy, but I have to be financially smart about this as I have three kids under the age of three. They just adore their dad, but they need a happy mother right? I just tell myself that my happiness will benefit my children greatly.

How old are your kids? How long until the youngest is in K?

actually your kids at that age or even older do not care about your happiness at all. Unless there is abuse, its probably better for the kids if you stay.

get a job. Do this before doing anything else. Are you employable? you will get some alimony but a judge will expect you to get a job very very soon as you are in your highest earning years. If you find you are not very employable then learn to suck it up with this asshole. These are the choices you made. He didn't turn this way over night and you kept having kids with him and you turned a blind eye to his sexting. So even after all that YOU chose to put yourself and worse, your kids, into this toxic co dependent relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Getting a job sounds looking like a good plan - so childcare x3 is at least 4800 a month - and that’s at 400/child a week then she’s got to be responsible for all holidays/sick days because there is no guarantee her husband will be willing to stay home
A new job may offer very limited vacation or sick days
To even break even she would need a job making $7000
That may not be realistic for the OP

Stop being ridiculous.

$4800 a month would be $57,600 a year. A full time nanny doesn't cost that much. So nanny is one less expensive option.

Another is to find an in-home daycare, which are more like $250/child/week. Finding one with 3 open slots is going to be the challenge, but she has some flexibility in terms of time.

As long as OP and people like you put up obstacles to keep convincing yourselves that your current state of being is the only possible scenario, everything will stay the same.

Be strong and get your life together.

$400 # 3 children x 52 weeks is actually $62,400. In-home daycare isn’t anything like $250/week. I paid $400/week per child 20 years ago to share a nanny (not from a nanny service, either) in somebody else else’s house (and that was before the Social Security taxes we also paid). When the kids enter preschool this will get cheaper.

Anyway, assuming OP can get a job that pays $62,400—after taxes, so really she needs $80,000 or more (because with 3 kids she probably won’t owe income taxes but she’ll still probably pay FICA because I doubt she’d be eligible for the EITC)—what is she supposed to live on? How does she buy metrocards to get to work, or pay rent/mortgage, or feed her kids?

OP, the good news is, you won’t have to pay all of this yourself. Your DH will owe you child support, even during the separation period before the divorce is finalized. And even if you can’t prove adultery (the judge may not care anyway) or abuse (the judge will care, but you must document it, like pps said).

You will also get 1/2 of any assets, including any home equity assuming you’ll have to sell the house.

You need to see a lawyer to get a ballpark on how much child support to expect—what the rules are in your state. And yes, you will probably need to work.

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thanks for the advice. My goal right now will be to save money and then look into some new career options for when my youngest begins kindergarten. My goal is when I am ready to make my move - I have a comfortable amount of money saved to get me started with my own place and a job that can help sustain us. It is going to take a lot of time- a few years basically- but unfortunately I do not have anywhere to go. I am just extremely unhappy, but I have to be financially smart about this as I have three kids under the age of three. They just adore their dad, but they need a happy mother right? I just tell myself that my happiness will benefit my children greatly.

How old are your kids? How long until the youngest is in K?

Anonymous wrote:Get a job.

Get a job.

Get a job.

Until you have a job, he will have all the power.

+1

Getting a job sounds looking like a good plan - so childcare x3 is at least 4800 a month - and that’s at 400/child a week then she’s got to be responsible for all holidays/sick days because there is no guarantee her husband will be willing to stay home
A new job may offer very limited vacation or sick days
To even break even she would need a job making $7000
That may not be realistic for the OP

Stop being ridiculous.

$4800 a month would be $57,600 a year. A full time nanny doesn't cost that much. So nanny is one less expensive option.

Another is to find an in-home daycare, which are more like $250/child/week. Finding one with 3 open slots is going to be the challenge, but she has some flexibility in terms of time.

As long as OP and people like you put up obstacles to keep convincing yourselves that your current state of being is the only possible scenario, everything will stay the same.

Be strong and get your life together.

There should be a way just to be able to leave at some point and tell in court that he was abusive.
I documented physical abuse, had told my co-workers and even called 911 when he threw me down the stairs. Nobody asked about it, nobody did anything with it. He was "punish" fo beating me, they just let me gt out of the marriage.
I don't understand why they put people through all that"documenting". It's pain, dangerous and you have to see the sexting. Mine got upset when he found out and threw me down the stairs again. I made police report, but nothing came of it. In fact, when I was beaten and able to call 911, they arrested me too. They didn't see my bruises until I was in jail, but it was too late already.
The harder part is leaving with your children. You can't, it's their home, maybe that's why you need to document. I left DS there because he was a good father to him and I always meant to have a shared custody. Ofcourse it was mentioned by him, but not by the court. We didn't have lawyers, well, he did was a month or 2 until he ran out of money.
Get a job and share the kids. You have time to work when the kids are with him.
I didn't have a recorder on a phone back then, but why don't you record him and his abuse. Just leave the video rolling and record the audio. It's ok in DC= DC is a one party consent state.
DC has prk3.

Anonymous wrote:What was helpful to me was the advice about documenting his abuse, tirades, etc.

Even if the lawyer or judge doesn't want to see it (because it's not physical abuse) it helped ME remember why I was so unhappy. I just reread a few emails I sent myself last year and it was shocking to me some of the events I forgot because they had become so common. Sure, I remember well his screaming at me in front of my mom and kids and bystanders at the mall because it was on my birthday. I didn't remember how he'd screamed and cursed at me in front of the kids a week later, saying horrible things to me while I calmly looked at him.

It's so important to remember these times to keep your resolve to leave. Leaving is going to be really, really hard for a few years and you'll need to remember that it was worth it because he was an abusive, cheating jerk.

I documented by sending myself emails describing events as they occurred (within a day) in dispassionate tones, including who witnessed the event, when it was, and what I said.

Yes! I kept my “journal” as a google doc on my phone. I showed it to my lawyer, but mostly used it for myself.

What was helpful to me was the advice about documenting his abuse, tirades, etc.

Even if the lawyer or judge doesn't want to see it (because it's not physical abuse) it helped ME remember why I was so unhappy. I just reread a few emails I sent myself last year and it was shocking to me some of the events I forgot because they had become so common. Sure, I remember well his screaming at me in front of my mom and kids and bystanders at the mall because it was on my birthday. I didn't remember how he'd screamed and cursed at me in front of the kids a week later, saying horrible things to me while I calmly looked at him.

It's so important to remember these times to keep your resolve to leave. Leaving is going to be really, really hard for a few years and you'll need to remember that it was worth it because he was an abusive, cheating jerk.

I documented by sending myself emails describing events as they occurred (within a day) in dispassionate tones, including who witnessed the event, when it was, and what I said.

Getting a job sounds looking like a good plan - so childcare x3 is at least 4800 a month - and that’s at 400/child a week then she’s got to be responsible for all holidays/sick days because there is no guarantee her husband will be willing to stay home
A new job may offer very limited vacation or sick days
To even break even she would need a job making $7000
That may not be realistic for the OP

Anonymous wrote:Get a job.

Get a job.

Get a job.

Until you have a job, he will have all the power.

This.
Get a job. You put yourself in this situation. Only you can get yourself out of it.

You are delusional if you think you can stay long enough to save money and move out. Get a job and get your own health insurance, put kids in daycare.

Otherwise, you are just a kept woman. A maid, a nanny... and worse.