Anonymous wrote:We've had fights maybe 4 or 5 times in our 8 year relationship. And our fights look like us getting a little bit of an attitude with each other, then telling each other why we're mad (in a pretty irritated tone), and then taking anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour trying to come to a resolution. I can think of maybe 1 disagreement in 8 years where the bad feelings lasted overnight.

My husband is super laid back and I'm super direct.

We went through pre-marital counseling and specifically learned techniques for how to disagree in a healthy way (the most irritating one is minor physical touch during a disagreement, like sitting next to each other on thr couch - maddening but it totally works - read John Gottmans research).

Our lives are pretty easy and not a lot to fight about - money is comfortable, families are under control, sex life is where we both want it.

I find it more odd when couples fight a lot. Like... why?

This is pretty close to me and my DH. We hate fighting. We don't internalize or seethe but we don't fight. If one or the other of us gets snappy we'll immediately be like, 'hey what's with the snap?' or something to start to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible.

Sometimes we have had disagreements or issues get pretty intense, but its always coming from a place where we want to resolve and feel better, so no pot shots or yelling.

Also don't understand people who like to fight, it fills me with anxiety and stress from watching my parents so I cut it off as quickly as possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I learned not to bring stuff up with him ... all he ever did was get defensive and then want to rehash the fight days later when I was done with it. He snaps at me and I don't like that.

His snapping at you obviously isn't good, but the part where you want to be done with it after he's had time to think about it seems a little unfair. You've probably had time to think about the problem before you say anything. He probably gets defensive because he's not ready to deal with it immediately.

That's probably a fair assessment. I'll keep that in mind.

Anonymous wrote: I learned not to bring stuff up with him ... all he ever did was get defensive and then want to rehash the fight days later when I was done with it. He snaps at me and I don't like that.

His snapping at you obviously isn't good, but the part where you want to be done with it after he's had time to think about it seems a little unfair. You've probably had time to think about the problem before you say anything. He probably gets defensive because he's not ready to deal with it immediately.

We don't fight. In a few months, we will be celebrating the 20th anniversary of our first date. We have been married for 16 years.

We have had two big fights. The first, I don't remember much about it. The second was shortly thereafter about HOW we fight; what the other person did, how it made us feel, etc. After that second fight we had a couple of long discussions about behavior that upsets us, how we handle it, how we disagree, etc. We both made big efforts to adjust how we addressed differences. We both work hard to discuss things that are bothering us before they become upsetting enough to fight. We both try hard to avoid actions, words, patterns of behavior that will irritate or annoy the other. And we both take the things that do upset us with a grain of salt. We preemptively discuss issues so that they are discussions and not fights. That last fight was 13 years ago.

It depends on why they don't fight. I never fought with my ex, but that was because he was controlling and always right. He would spin me around in arguments until I was apologizing for the things he did. So, I stopped fighting, because everything was going to be made into my fault. Things got worse when I started to hold my ground and not give in. I was in an abusive relationship that I'll never get myself away from, because we have a small child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My husband and I disagree about all sorts of things but we don't often "fight."

I was going to post something similar. We will disagree and then talk something out. But it's very, VERY rare for either of us to yell. And we don't curse at each other or call each other names or do passive-aggressive things.

This describes my marriage as well. DH's parents fought by screaming. My parents fought by my mom screaming and being borderline emotionally abusive. Thankfully both DH and I had sought out therapy to help the various issues this caused so by the time we met, we had things sorted out!

Pp here. And while I'm thrilled that DH And I are mature with our disagreements and the like, I do sometimes miss that hot make up sex I had with an ex bf after we had a yelling fight. DH and I have never had make up sex, because we've never needed.to make up over something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My husband and I disagree about all sorts of things but we don't often "fight."

I was going to post something similar. We will disagree and then talk something out. But it's very, VERY rare for either of us to yell. And we don't curse at each other or call each other names or do passive-aggressive things.

This describes my marriage as well. DH's parents fought by screaming. My parents fought by my mom screaming and being borderline emotionally abusive. Thankfully both DH and I had sought out therapy to help the various issues this caused so by the time we met, we had things sorted out!

Yes, we fight. No name calling or throwing of stuff, but definitely fighting. Luckily we don't do it often and the in between time we get along great. We do tend to be passionate people (and probably both a bit more sensitive for our own good).

We talk through things, but haven't ever fought. We just operate on the same wavelength. There's not a lot unsaid under the surface either.

I remember my ex screaming names and cursing when he fought- dh has respect for me and wouldn't do that.

We don’t fight. Healthiest and most solid relationship I have ever been in. We have too much respect for each other.

ExH on the other hand... we fought constantly. I try not to feel smug when I see him and his new wife fighting and see him treating her the way he treated me.

I've never fought with mine if fighting is yelling and screaming and getting belligerent. I get mad sure, but I can be angry and be rational. I can have difficult discussions with him without fighting.

His ex-wife was the opposite and would get violent, throwing things at him and going off the rails when mad. He often won't tell me something wanting to avoid confrontation and then when he does and I don't react like a crazy woman he has to admit he forgets that I'm not like her and won't throw the television across the room. His body isn't yet wired to know that people can have issues without fighting about them.

I'm not sure what the definition of fighting is. My husband and I don't yell, call names, shove, etc. But we disagree or piss each other off sometimes and have to talk through it so we can both understand where the other person is coming from. We've never gone to bed mad.

Just to add, if there is no fighting because one partner is a pushover and intimidated, then that is not healthy.

Of course it is healthy. There is a difference between fighting and disagreeing. Fighting is for losers and stupid people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My husband and I disagree about all sorts of things but we don't often "fight."

I was going to post something similar. We will disagree and then talk something out. But it's very, VERY rare for either of us to yell. And we don't curse at each other or call each other names or do passive-aggressive things.

+1 We never fight. We're both quiet people, so yelling, name-calling, cursing is unheard of in our house. It doesn't mean we never disagree. We talk about our disagreements or dissatisfaction.

I don't think raising your voice, hurting another person's feelings intentionally is healthy in any way, shape or form. It's also trashy and immature.