Get control of your finances. Get your paperwork in order.

Then he needs a good scare, which may or may not wake him up and make him start doing the work to fight to get you back. He needs to have it hit him in the gut that he's lost you and the kids.

As it stands, he has the luxury to still be moping and conflicted at this point. He's still invested elsewhere and lying to you, and has relapsed, which means he's still in the fog. He is too sure of you, and feels free to fantasize and long for his escape, his addictive sexual and emotional high.

He hasn't really addressed his underlying issues either, which will keep coming back and making him act out again, as a PP pointed out. Unless he focuses on that, nothing will get better. You need to focus on your (likely codependent) issues too, so you can protect yourself and your kids.

I get that you have to play it carefully because you don't want your kids to have to be around whatever trainwreck woman he may end up with.

Anonymous wrote:

This is great advice. Our marriage also survived an affair, but my DH was 200% in to fix it afterwards and had none of the ambivalence you've described, OP. This is a little worrisome, but not entirely unusual in emotional affairs and you guys may still find a way.

In any case, I am normally all for trying to make it work, but in this case, you need to make sure you are protecting yourself too. As part of our recovery I made DH agree to set aside a large amount of money in an account that only I have access to. It's there as a safety net in case I ever decide to leave. Something to think about. And definitely talk to a lawyer and get to know the household finances in the meantime. You may never need to use this information but you should have it.

This is so important for you to realize OP. For the marriage to come back from this your husband has to be 200% in it, not just whatever percent into fixing himself.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry about her being the step mom, their relationship won’t last.

And even if it does (which I also dont't think will happen), a stepmom will never replace you as mom OP. Y

Don’t worry about her being the step mom, their relationship won’t last.

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about what ended his first marriage. I think it could be relevant here.

Op here -- this is a first marriage for both of us. When I said second marriage, I meant a fresh start for our current marriage.

Anonymous wrote:My husband came back to me after an affair. It was hard work, on both our parts. I strongly recommend the surviving infidelity forums.

I also strongly recommend that while you continue to work on things, you also start - right now - getting your hands on and photocopying every piece of financial information you can find. Even better, while your husband is feeling guilty, get him to agree to hand over financial management to you or a paid person so you can have a clear idea of where everything is.

I don't know if your marriage will work. It might. It might not. Unfortunately, it's not entirely up to you if it works, but it is up to you if it does'nt work out. Detach a bit, figure out finances, get everything all lined up to protect you. This can and should happen in parallel of still working on the marriage.

This is great advice. Our marriage also survived an affair, but my DH was 200% in to fix it afterwards and had none of the ambivalence you've described, OP. This is a little worrisome, but not entirely unusual in emotional affairs and you guys may still find a way.

In any case, I am normally all for trying to make it work, but in this case, you need to make sure you are protecting yourself too. As part of our recovery I made DH agree to set aside a large amount of money in an account that only I have access to. It's there as a safety net in case I ever decide to leave. Something to think about. And definitely talk to a lawyer and get to know the household finances in the meantime. You may never need to use this information but you should have it.

Go our and have your own affair. Watch him lose his marbles over that.

I'm curious about what ended his first marriage. I think it could be relevant here.

My husband came back to me after an affair. It was hard work, on both our parts. I strongly recommend the surviving infidelity forums.

I also strongly recommend that while you continue to work on things, you also start - right now - getting your hands on and photocopying every piece of financial information you can find. Even better, while your husband is feeling guilty, get him to agree to hand over financial management to you or a paid person so you can have a clear idea of where everything is.

I don't know if your marriage will work. It might. It might not. Unfortunately, it's not entirely up to you if it works, but it is up to you if it does'nt work out. Detach a bit, figure out finances, get everything all lined up to protect you. This can and should happen in parallel of still working on the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:He is gaslighting you.

OP here, what exactly do you mean?

This line stuck out to me in your OP:

"He says he was happy in our marriage and just made a stupid mistake by crossing a boundary, but it led to an addiction to this emotional/sexual fantasy."

A stupid mistake in this context is possibly a one-night stand with a stranger your spouse meets at a hotel or a drunken kiss with a neighbor in a back room at a party. What you are describing is a pattern of behavior over many months that reveals who your husband is as a person at his core. None of it terribly flattering.

I return to this quote often in my life and really find it says it all:

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time." Maya Angelou

Anonymous wrote: It feels like if you don't fight for your marriage you let the other woman in. It's the "pick me pick me" syndrome. I don't know the solution to it yet myself but just know you aren't alone. It's so unhealthy and hard and will eat away at you to feel like this.

.

*Should read: let the other woman win .

Surviving Infidelity forums would be a great resource for you.

If you want your marriage to survive he needs to be focusing on YOU, not on healing himself. He needs to be doing everything that YOU need from him. Don't make excuses for him.

I've been in your exact shoes multiple times with my own partner, it's so so hard. Every time there is a D-Day he will make all the promises of no contact and every time he goes right back to the deceptive ways, sometimes literally the same day.

I've also had the exact same feelings that you have about his other woman in terms of not "letting" the two of them be together. It feels like if you don't fight for your marriage you let the other woman in. It's the "pick me pick me" syndrome. I don't know the solution to it yet myself but just know you aren't alone. It's so unhealthy and hard and will eat away at you to feel like this.

I hope you find some peace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you confronted the AP?

OP here -- no I have not. I don't want to. She won't care what I think, anyway. She just wants to stay attached to my husband.

Have you told her husband? I would. I would blow this thing up and everyone around it. Then divorce his loser ass.

Same. I'd blow up her life the way she did yours. Might not be the healthiest, but it would make me feel a tad better.

OP here - her husband already knows. They are trying to mend their marriage just as we are.

Then he needs to know they are back in contact. It’s generslly bad form for APs to continue contacting each other.

He is gaslighting you.