Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMHO the concern would be not being able to differentiate between the bad parts of your childhood and what is normal/acceptable.

For example, when I misbehaved as a child my parents fed me stale bread and water. According to DW this is an unacceptable punishment for a child. As another example, my dad used to punch me when he got angry and my mom used to smack me when she got angry. I know now that both of these things are wrong to do and I wouldn't do them to my children but some of these weird things can become normalized when you go through them.

This. Dh comes from an abusive family -fil was a physically abusive alcoholic/mil was an emotionally abusive enabler. He went to therapy in his early 20s and by the time we had kids in our mid 30s, he thought that he had put everything behind him. But the daily experience of raising children brought up unresolved issues that he never really had to confront before having kids. Having children made him realized the extent of his parents' unfitness (resulted in renewed anger against his parents). It also made him realize the extent that he internalized /normalized dysfunctional behaviors, especially towards children. For example, reacting to toddler tantrums with losing his temper/control, anger, and screaming. Intellectually he knew that this was wrong but he instinctively reacted that way because it was how he was raised/what he saw growing up. He was usually apologetic afterwards (like his father). It was a scary time in our marriage. He went back to therapy when our oldest was 3. If he didn't, I doubt that we would be together today.

Anonymous wrote:IMHO the concern would be not being able to differentiate between the bad parts of your childhood and what is normal/acceptable.

For example, when I misbehaved as a child my parents fed me stale bread and water. According to DW this is an unacceptable punishment for a child. As another example, my dad used to punch me when he got angry and my mom used to smack me when she got angry. I know now that both of these things are wrong to do and I wouldn't do them to my children but some of these weird things can become normalized when you go through them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

The case worker is right. I'm assuming since you are going through this process you don't already have children, correct? You don't know how it will affect you or how you may become triggered.

I'm the poster who said I also had a non-typical upraising with some things people find appalling, and even though I haven't picked at my childhood in therapy, like OP said above, we both recognize what wasn't healthy. My oldest DC is 15 and I have yet to be "triggered" by something from my own childhood, if anything I've learned from my parents' example what *not* to do. My kids are happy, well-adjusted, doing well in school and activities.

Many of us with childhoods like ours are strong and resilient and we don't have PTSD. I hope OP's caseworker can recognize that. I understand a caseworker has to carefully vet potential parents, but I hope amateur psychology is kept to a minimum.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.


OP, the adoption process aside, this is an incredibly unhealthy mindset for anyone, especially someone who wants to be a parent.


What aspect do you see as an incredibly unhealthy mindset?


The case worker was objectively correct, becoming a parent can trigger buried issues from one's own childhood, which can then be played out on the person's own child in unhealthy ways. People who acknowledge and accept this possibility are more likely to recognize it when it's happening/threatening to happen, and deal with it in a healthy manner (therapy or no). The person who believes they have everything under control, can compartmentalize it all perfectly and will be just fine never dealing with those things are more likely to play it out in bad ways because they're so determined not to see it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

The case worker is right. I'm assuming since you are going through this process you don't already have children, correct? You don't know how it will affect you or how you may become triggered.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

Anonymous wrote:I generally talk about having a great family and a good childhood. Compared to many people, I feel I did. I have parents who loved me and siblings and who were well-intentioned. They didn't do everything right but I feel guilty / unfair talking about that as I feel they did their best and had a good heart behind it. Their own childhoods influenced how they parented and they grew up in a very repressed / cultish environment so I feel they made major steps in trying to better themselves compared to what they had.

Yet, some of the things in my childhood shock people when I tell them. They see aspects as abusive or traumatic. I talk about those things in a very detached / unemotional way and also get told that isn't normal. My childhood has impacted me and who I became, but I feel that is true for everyone. I have many good memories as well and still see my family regularly. I would say I was raised unconventionally and while I recognize areas where they could have done things differently, it was just how my family was - for better or worse.

I have never spoken to my parents about anything that happened during my childhood as they are kind of fragile in a way and I have always been the strong one who can deal with anything. I think because they feel they tried really hard to be good parents, they would be absolutely devastated to hear otherwise. They still have a great deal of their identity wrapped up in being parents / grandparents.

I recently had to share about my childhood as we are going through the adoption process and the home study case worker was concerned with how I talked about my childhood and also that I have never done therapy. Since I lived it and don't feel it was that bad and had lots of good, I don't really know what purpose therapy would serve. Also since I am functional, why open up a can of worms - is it really doing to make my life better?

I am worried thought that is a strike against us in the adoption process.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

OP, the adoption process aside, this is an incredibly unhealthy mindset for anyone, especially someone who wants to be a parent.

What aspect do you see as an incredibly unhealthy mindset?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope not. Sounds like you’re just fine and not wallowing in it or using it as an excuse.

I grew up in a not-typical family and there were aspects of it that when I share appall some people. My brother and I have very much the same feelings towards it, eh, that was just how it was and it made us who we are today. I’ve known people (including my DH at times) who can’t leave it behind and want to moan and whine about it 1,000 years later. I guess in some eyes, that’s healthier.

I did once try therapy, to deal with something else, and the therapist wanted to keep coming back to my parents. I think like you, because I was matter of fact about it, she felt I’d never “dealt with it”. But I didn’t feel I’d given her any indication it was an issue, it was just mentioned when she asked about my parents and my childhood. The same as “and oh yeah, I have blue eyes.”

I haven’t been through the adoption process and don’t have anyone close to me, so I can’t gice any insight on that aspect. But I do hope it doesn’t count against you and you soon have the child meant for you. Best wishes!

OP here. I had a similar experience with therapy. About 10 years ago I was at a crossroads and I wanted to talk to someone unbiased to get their perspective. The therapist told me the first session is more about getting to know me. She asked me questions about my family and childhood. It was like she was curious / found it interesting (especially the cult parts). I saw her 3 times and we were still just talking about my childhood. I became very frustrated as I was paying out of pocket and I was paying her $150 an hour to tell her stories about my life that were unrelated to why I was there. I told her that part way through the 3rd session and then she told me to set goals and think what decision would get me to my goals. I never went back, it was such a waste of money and she had come well recommended. I ave no interest in trying to pick at my childhood in therapy. I can compartmentalize well, I recognize what wasn't healthy and am a functional adult.

The case workers perspective was that if you don't address it, it can be triggered by something in your own child / parenting and then you have to deal with it when it is more of a crisis. I didn't say much to the case worker and will watch what I say moving forward.

OP, the adoption process aside, this is an incredibly unhealthy mindset for anyone, especially someone who wants to be a parent.