Anonymous wrote:OP I feel for you.

It's a tough call but I'll try to offer some advice. I went through something similar.

i met my biological mom - and my biological brother later in life after my father's death. I was fully prepared to go a lifetime without this meeting and intended to do so but life circumstances happened and I did indeed meet her.

It was more than strange. I was fully prepared to get things off my chest as it related to her abandoning me and all the incidents surrounding that, but at the time she was ill and failing. She's since died.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of the meeting or aftermath but i will say this. I'm glad I did. If not for anyone but my own peace of mind that I didn't even know that I didn't have until I had it - if that makes sense. A letting go if you will. We all walk around and harbor resentments and disappointments in life - big and small and it shapes us. This has shaped you - in whatever way and I think having contact prior to your bio father's death is simply a way relieve yourself from any future "what if" anxieties.

That said, you should be prepared and willing to deal with any emotional fall out - buried feelings/resentment/anger/sadness - whatever. I approached with a detachment - and later dealt with emotions internally and alone. That was my way - but be prepared to address as it's likely they will arise.

I strive to do things that will make me a better person in life and one filled with self-understanding and forgiveness - even when not deserved - goes along way in those efforts.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:I think you're conflicted because he was an addict and a alcoholic and not someone who ran off with another woman and abandoned you deliberately. I would read up about addiction, get some perspective about the disease, and not make emotional decisions (like you did when you blocked him from Facebook). You're pissed off and sad. I think you need to approach this in a more practical way for your healing and his. Maybe approach it from a place of understanding and generosity, rather than reacting to your anger and sadness? I don't know. I'm no expert. But since he didn't do it to me, I'm thinking give the dude a chance?

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks, all. When he first reached out in 2012, and a few times since, I have talked with my mom (and step-dad) about it and at first I think they were apprehensive, but my mom has told me it's completely my decision, she'll support me either way. She was also pissed he posted my wedding photo, and pissed at the person she assumes sent it to him/his family. My biological uncle has reached out to my mom in the past and I know my bio-father has only gotten sober in the past 10-15 years or so - it's been since 1990 that I've seen him. It's not like he cleaned up a few months after he and my mom split and she's been keeping me from him. He lives on the west coast, so I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of. I definitely don't want to open myself up only to be asked for money or something crazy... It's the not knowing that is really hard.

Anonymous wrote:He’s dying and his whole life is flashing before his eyes. Including all of his mistakes. But these are HIS mistakes. And he’s probably feeling guilty, and maybe regret.

You are right to feel angry that he thinks he can just send you a Facebook message, hijack a wedding photo and post it as his own, and then get positive attention from others when he hasn’t been in your life all this time.

Someone once told my DH this about his father (who he doesn’t know) This man has never been and will never be a “father”, the fathering is over. This is now just the man that impregnated your mother and you share DNA. If you want to get to know that man, that’s fine. But he will never be your “father”.

It helped my husband to come to terms with his feelings.

Anonymous wrote:I have been in your situation and I have no regrets about not getting in touch when this man was dying. It has been 20 years. Zero regrets.