Anonymous wrote:OP, that's about what we take home, and our salaries combined are 275k. And from that we take out health insurance, max retirement x 2, medical and health care FSA (7500).

So, uh. yeah. that's not adding up. the question is, how are you going to handle it? Do you think he's planning to divorce you?

If that’s what you net and your pay is 1/2, then OP should be getting $22k.

OP, are you sure your DH isn’t being paid biweekly instead of monthly. Then the 11k would make sense.

OP, that's about what we take home, and our salaries combined are 275k. And from that we take out health insurance, max retirement x 2, medical and health care FSA (7500).

So, uh. yeah. that's not adding up. the question is, how are you going to handle it? Do you think he's planning to divorce you?

Anonymous wrote:Can you get a credit report for both of you? It should list all accounts in either of your names, including their balance. This will at least tell you if he's done something simple like set up another checking account and siphoned off 10% of every paycheck into it.

How big of a discrepancy are you seeing? If you are willing to share even round numbers, we might be able to say whether they sound reasonable. Of course there are a lot of variables like insurance cost and how much he contributes to a 401K.

This is what I was thinking, too.

Even if his pay is direct deposited, he should still be able to print his paystub which will show gross pay and what comes out before take home.

Anonymous wrote:OP. I've been in denial and I'm almost afraid to know the truth. We've been dealing with crisis after crisis for the last 5 year - parents dying, cancer, job transfers, international moves and so on.
Salary is 535k plus bonuses (tech industry) and monthly direct deposit is $11k. Can insurance and 401k make that big of an impact?

troll?

Anonymous wrote:OP. I've been in denial and I'm almost afraid to know the truth. We've been dealing with crisis after crisis for the last 5 year - parents dying, cancer, job transfers, international moves and so on.
Salary is 535k plus bonuses (tech industry) and monthly direct deposit is $11k. Can insurance and 401k make that big of an impact?

No. That’s too low if the 535k is actually all salary, even with max retirement and high end insurance. But are you sure there isn’t deferred comp or other noncash component of salary?

Anonymous wrote:OP. I've been in denial and I'm almost afraid to know the truth. We've been dealing with crisis after crisis for the last 5 year - parents dying, cancer, job transfers, international moves and so on.
Salary is 535k plus bonuses (tech industry) and monthly direct deposit is $11k. Can insurance and 401k make that big of an impact?

*whistles* He is definitely socking away money. But I mean...its not like an inheritance where if you don't co-mingle the funds it doesn't count. OP he should be getting a direct deposit of $30,000/mo minimum. Even if he was having 10% automatically go to retirement. Even with insurance. Hell, that may not even include the end of the year bonuses.

Still at the same time, he's taking care of the bills at home so I'm of half of a mind to say - why is this your business? And spare me the platitudes of its 'our' money SAHM-contingent.

OP. I've been in denial and I'm almost afraid to know the truth. We've been dealing with crisis after crisis for the last 5 year - parents dying, cancer, job transfers, international moves and so on.
Salary is 535k plus bonuses (tech industry) and monthly direct deposit is $11k. Can insurance and 401k make that big of an impact?

Anonymous wrote:Can you get a credit report for both of you? It should list all accounts in either of your names, including their balance. This will at least tell you if he's done something simple like set up another checking account and siphoned off 10% of every paycheck into it.

How big of a discrepancy are you seeing? If you are willing to share even round numbers, we might be able to say whether they sound reasonable. Of course there are a lot of variables like insurance cost and how much he contributes to a 401K.

I could be wrong, but I don't think credit reports include assets, just credit accounts.

Share the numbers

OP, can you look at the W2 for tax purposes and compare his take home income to the paycheck being deposited in your account? By the time we have taxes, retirement, and donations taken out a huge chunk is gone. You can then see what is going for what and if there is any money not accounted for.

Can you get a credit report for both of you? It should list all accounts in either of your names, including their balance. This will at least tell you if he's done something simple like set up another checking account and siphoned off 10% of every paycheck into it.

How big of a discrepancy are you seeing? If you are willing to share even round numbers, we might be able to say whether they sound reasonable. Of course there are a lot of variables like insurance cost and how much he contributes to a 401K.

This is the sort of thing you need to figure out now, if there’s any chance you two will divorce or separate in the future.
After you separate, it’s probably too late to get complete documentation. My sister even offered to pay for a forensic accountant ($5-10k) but my lawyer said that unless you have a smoking gun (like supporting AP in a condo), he’ll just claim he was paying the kids’ soccer team fees and so on, and you won’t be able to prove otherwise.

So push now to figure out what’s going on. You don’t have to be rude. If you can’t get his W2 as part of the tax return, how about telling him you’re making a family budget—and then do it, in detail for everybody including him. Tell him you ne d the W2 to figure out retirement contributions last year (it’s one of the lines on the W2) because you’re planning for the future or something.

I used to joke to my mom and sister that I didn’t know where XDH’s money went. To his deadbeat brother and sister? (He actually asked at one point if he could support them and I said no, his first obligation out of his GS14 salary was to his own two kids and the deadbeat siblings should get jobs). Did he have a secret love child somewhere? A drug habit that he hid really, really well? Was he squirreling away money in preparation for leaving, which he eventually did?

OP - please ask your DH to share his paystub and show you where the money is going and how you can get to it.

I am a CPA and you would be suprised how many women, even in the year 2018, do not know where their DH has deposited money or other details about their finances. They pay a huge price if their DH dies suddenly and they do not where to go to access savings, insurance proceeds, etc.

The last thing you need to worry about when you are grieving his loss is where to find the money you need to live on until the insurance proceeds arrive. This fact alone should prompt him to show you what you need to know.

Anonymous wrote:If it's direct deposited from work, he can't have it put two places. I would guess it's going to his 401k ($18,500?) and insurance.

Sure he can, I can divide up my paycheck between as many accounts as I want. We have a portion go straight to a savings account.