OP - to clarify a couple of points that seem to be causing people a bit of heartburn....

As for the second-hand/hand-me-down items.... We sent four medium-sized moving boxes full of second-hand stuff in new or like-new condition - including a wifi enabled video monitor system, bouncer, diaper pail, baby tub, and an infant car seat that we used only twice. We also included a boatload of clothes, bottles, baby proofing items, etc. Some of these items were given to us and never even opened so they were in their original packaging. We didn't send her a box of some crappy, overwashed, stained onesies.

Second.... My other niece (with whom I have a close relationship), planned the shower and sent the invites. She knew what we had sent our pregnant niece. (She asked what we sent so they wouldn't need to put those items on the registry.) It would have been her decision not to send us the registry info, not the mother's.

The mother was not in a position to use the shower as a gift-grab as she wasn't invited, but I also would not be surprised if she were encouraging my pregnant niece to ask for more now. My former SIL is deeply emotionally disturbed and my pregnant niece, who was the oldest child still at home when the marriage fell apart, struggles with their boundaries the most. Now, I agree with the pps who said not to overthink it and I've chosen to think the best. However, if you knew the history, it would not surprise you that anyone might be suspicious - cold medicine and flu notwithstanding.

Why can't she just be asking you for actual advice? Is there nothing else going on that you have time to sit around and over think something so small and possibly innocent?

It's been a while since her mom had a baby and her friends probably aren't having kids yet. She probably thought you'd be a good person to ask. Maybe she noticed that you have good taste based on the hand me downs you sent and she thought you could help. I highly doubt she's fishing for gifts.

Generous by giving just hand me downs?

She really is probably asking because you have had kids somewhat recently enough to have hand me downs. However I still think you send a gift to your niece. She is not stranger or acquaintance.

Aren't you going to give her a gift when the baby is born? I know you weren't invited to the showers, but she is a niece. If the handmedowns were enough, leave it at that then.

Regardless of what the real intention, I'd take it at face value. You do NOT want to open the checkbook.

You can always give a nice xmas/birthday gift for the baby, if/when you choose.

Don't ever make people think that you'll write them checks.

Anonymous wrote:If the niece (or he mother) was following the money, you would have been invited to the shower. Rest and recover from the flu.

This. And while you're recovering, maybe take the time to beam some good, positive thoughts your niece's way. It sounds like she needs them and you could use the practice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just answer with your advice and then not give it another thought. I would not buy one of them for her. Maybe her sibling said, "Ask Jess - she gives GREAT advice!" and the pregnant niece is overwhelmed with decision making so reached out to you.

Also, I like to assume the best of everyone, until/unless they give me a concrete reason not to. She hasn't given you that reason.

+1 Take the high road, OP, the view is much better up there!

My oldest nephew asked me for advice on baby gear - he said you have had kids more recently than my parents and know more about what's out now, so what do you think about x, y, and z. I wouldn't assume it's fishing.

OP ~ assume the best of your niece. And treat her as her own person, not as an appendage of your aunt. Assume she says what she means - that she is asking re: advice. Maybe she'd like to be closer to you. Also though be vigilant about setting the tone you want. Stop speculating re: motives but also honestly evaluate why others would ever think to go to you for money help. Most families are not like this. There is something wrong with how you have dealt with this issue in the past if this is a real problem.

He= her

If the niece (or he mother) was following the money, you would have been invited to the shower. Rest and recover from the flu.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are feeling generous, go ahead and get her the one you would recommend. But if you feel you've given enough, then don't. You'll never know her true intentions unless you ask her, and I assume you don't plan on doing that.

OP already WAS generous. At what point has she done enough?

Then don't get her anything. The niece merely asked for advice. Even if she was fishing, there's nothing more for OP to do.

Exactly. You were asked and you answered. If your niece was expecting more, then she got her answer because you didn’t bite. Personally I think you have been very generous and you should not be guilted into doing more. If you are already the family checkbook, you could be headed down a slippery slope if you go too far into this. There’s a lot of family who’ll be expecting the same treatment! It was her choice to marry and have a baby at 19, not yours, so do not feel you have a responsibility to bail them out.

I would take it at face value.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are feeling generous, go ahead and get her the one you would recommend. But if you feel you've given enough, then don't. You'll never know her true intentions unless you ask her, and I assume you don't plan on doing that.

OP already WAS generous. At what point has she done enough?

Then don't get her anything. The niece merely asked for advice. Even if she was fishing, there's nothing more for OP to do.