My friends often host cookouts or crab feasts and everyone pays to cover the cost of the food. It's usually $25 a person for an enormous spread with drinks.

This happened to us. When our daughter was married we hosted a beautiful, expensive wedding. We are not wealthy and we only have one daughter and it was our choice to have a beautiful wedding
The guy she married had a home in the location where the wedding was. It was a beautiful beach location but for us, it was a destination wedding. As I said, the cost was huge.
I hosted, and paid for, the bridal shower.
The grooms mother offered to host a brunch the day after the wedding at her home (we were in a rental). She expected us to pay for our guests and told me the cost, per head. They have plenty of money (much more than us!). She was planning a buffet. I was shocked....and did not go!
I think people like this are either ignorant or mean.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never happened to me. Maybe I don't get invited to enough events. LOL.

"I’m standing up for all guests who are tired of this trend. Call it my #guestsdontpay protest."

From Washington Post:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/get-there/wp/2018/01/30/stop-charging-me-to-attend-your-celebrations-guestsdontpay/

This is standard to pay for your meal and split the birthday person's meal in my social circle. I am happy to be included and have no issue paying for my meal plus the birthday celebrants.

I am really sorry but this sounds very low class to me. Is this a race or class thing?

WTF!!!!

In my 20s, there were plenty of "big group of friends getting together to celebrate a birthday party, everyone pays for themselves and chips in for the birthday girl" type of events. They've dwindled over time and now usually the host pays.

It rubbed me the wrong way (and I posted here... I wonder if I can dig it up) a couple years ago a friend sent an evite to invite people to her DH's 40th at a chinese restaurant. They sent a follow-up email telling people they were ordering in advance and how much it would be per person. I guess it was good that we were warned but I found it to be in really poor taste.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a group of girlfriends gets together to celebrate one of their birthdays, then splitting the check and paying for the birthday girl is expected.

If the birthday girl or spouse sends out invitations to a bunch of couples to celebrate her birthday, then it is expected that they -- the person on the invite-- is paying. That's what it means to be a host.

I think that's the breakdown that's happening in this thread. In a lot of social circles, the invites are sent by a member of the friend group but NOT the person being celebrated. It's understood that this person is just the one that stepped up to organize the celebration therefore is not expected to pay for everyone. Basically, they are acting as a volunteer event planner, not the host, which is fine as long as that is understood by everyone in the friend group.

It does get weird/inappropriate when the person being celebrated is the one to send the invites and expects everyone to pay for their celebration. Thankfully, that's never happened in my group of friends.

+1 This is the crux of the disagreement in this thread.

Group organizes celebration for one person, group chips in. One person invites everyone over to celebrate? One person pays for everything. Pretty simple.

Anonymous wrote:If a group of girlfriends gets together to celebrate one of their birthdays, then splitting the check and paying for the birthday girl is expected.

If the birthday girl or spouse sends out invitations to a bunch of couples to celebrate her birthday, then it is expected that they -- the person on the invite-- is paying. That's what it means to be a host.

Exactly. This is what I meant. Although we have been to the latter and everyone split the check and treated the bday couple and we don't care. As I get older I am not as petty and don't care about this sort of thing. I am happy to be included and happy to pay!!

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like the kind of awkward situation I once found myself in when I was about 25 and invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. I went fully prepared to pay for myself and chip in for the guest of honor, but some people didn’t realize that they might be expected to pay and left without doing so. Others refused to pay for the guests who left. It was awful, truly awful.

I’m so glad that my social circle now is composed of people who pay for the celebrations that they host. Potlucks are fine, and celebrations hosted by a group are fine. Inviting people to a celebration and expecting them to pay for it is not fine.

Yep this happened frequently when I was 25. All the poor 20-somethings are fine celebrating their own birthday because its free, but aren't as good when its for someone else. Add in a 20-person table plus a few of these: "I only have a credit card and they won't split the check", "Can I borrow money from someone?", "I don't drink or want to pay for others who are ordering $15 drinks", and people wonder why their friendships fade after school ends?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never happened to me. Maybe I don't get invited to enough events. LOL.

"I’m standing up for all guests who are tired of this trend. Call it my #guestsdontpay protest."

From Washington Post:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/get-there/wp/2018/01/30/stop-charging-me-to-attend-your-celebrations-guestsdontpay/

This is standard to pay for your meal and split the birthday person's meal in my social circle. I am happy to be included and have no issue paying for my meal plus the birthday celebrants.

I am really sorry but this sounds very low class to me. Is this a race or class thing?

Most upperclass people here do this with their girlfriends. You invite a group to go out to celebrate a friend's birthday and it is expected that we all pay. If I were throwing a private party, I would obviously pay or if I sent out an invite for a birthday party then I would pay and have paid always in that situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never happened to me. Maybe I don't get invited to enough events. LOL.

"I’m standing up for all guests who are tired of this trend. Call it my #guestsdontpay protest."

From Washington Post:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/get-there/wp/2018/01/30/stop-charging-me-to-attend-your-celebrations-guestsdontpay/

This is standard to pay for your meal and split the birthday person's meal in my social circle. I am happy to be included and have no issue paying for my meal plus the birthday celebrants.

I am really sorry but this sounds very low class to me. Is this a race or class thing?

Your question is actually very low class to me. I will answer it though. We are top 1% income and educated.

It kind of depends. As you get older, it's more than a little gauche to throw a large party for yourself, or your spouse, and expect others to pay.

That said, my wife and 4 of her friends routinely go out to dinner to celebrate one of their birthdays, with the understanding that whosever birthday it is doesn't pay. Nothing wrong with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never happened to me. Maybe I don't get invited to enough events. LOL.

"I’m standing up for all guests who are tired of this trend. Call it my #guestsdontpay protest."

From Washington Post:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/get-there/wp/2018/01/30/stop-charging-me-to-attend-your-celebrations-guestsdontpay/

This is standard to pay for your meal and split the birthday person's meal in my social circle. I am happy to be included and have no issue paying for my meal plus the birthday celebrants.

Same here. If I'm invited to a restaurant for a birthday with a group (not just like us an another couple), I assume everyone pays their own way and chips in for the birthday person.

Then again, I don't get invited out a lot, so it's not a big dent in my overall annual spending.

Me too. I like going out and spending time with my friends. If it was a non birthday organized group dinner I am always prepared to pay for myself. When it's someones birthday, I just assume that each person pays for their meal and our collective gift to the birthday person is to pay for their meal too.

Same.

Now the time I was invited to dinner at the house of a couple I know and after the meal they asked everyone to make a cash contribution to cover the cost of ingredients (payment not mentioned when they invited), that was too much.

Anonymous wrote:If a group of girlfriends gets together to celebrate one of their birthdays, then splitting the check and paying for the birthday girl is expected.

If the birthday girl or spouse sends out invitations to a bunch of couples to celebrate her birthday, then it is expected that they -- the person on the invite-- is paying. That's what it means to be a host.

I think that's the breakdown that's happening in this thread. In a lot of social circles, the invites are sent by a member of the friend group but NOT the person being celebrated. It's understood that this person is just the one that stepped up to organize the celebration therefore is not expected to pay for everyone. Basically, they are acting as a volunteer event planner, not the host, which is fine as long as that is understood by everyone in the friend group.

It does get weird/inappropriate when the person being celebrated is the one to send the invites and expects everyone to pay for their celebration. Thankfully, that's never happened in my group of friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never happened to me. Maybe I don't get invited to enough events. LOL.

"I’m standing up for all guests who are tired of this trend. Call it my #guestsdontpay protest."

From Washington Post:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/get-there/wp/2018/01/30/stop-charging-me-to-attend-your-celebrations-guestsdontpay/

This is standard to pay for your meal and split the birthday person's meal in my social circle. I am happy to be included and have no issue paying for my meal plus the birthday celebrants.

I am really sorry but this sounds very low class to me. Is this a race or class thing?

I've lived in Europe also and I noticed in Europe the host always pays, whereas in the US the others pay for the host.

Yes, in Spain, the birthday person always pays. It makes it much more comfortable to invite people out for your birthday, because they know that you will be treating them to celebrate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never happened to me. Maybe I don't get invited to enough events. LOL.

"I’m standing up for all guests who are tired of this trend. Call it my #guestsdontpay protest."

From Washington Post:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/get-there/wp/2018/01/30/stop-charging-me-to-attend-your-celebrations-guestsdontpay/

This is standard to pay for your meal and split the birthday person's meal in my social circle. I am happy to be included and have no issue paying for my meal plus the birthday celebrants.

I am really sorry but this sounds very low class to me. Is this a race or class thing?

It is cheap and rude.

Ask me if you would like to join you at a restaurant, to celebrate your birthday, on my dime. Tell me that I will be expected to pay to help you celebrate your occasion. If I want to go, and if I can afford it, then I will go.

But don't call it an invitation, because it is not.

This sounds like the kind of awkward situation I once found myself in when I was about 25 and invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. I went fully prepared to pay for myself and chip in for the guest of honor, but some people didn’t realize that they might be expected to pay and left without doing so. Others refused to pay for the guests who left. It was awful, truly awful.

I’m so glad that my social circle now is composed of people who pay for the celebrations that they host. Potlucks are fine, and celebrations hosted by a group are fine. Inviting people to a celebration and expecting them to pay for it is not fine.

If a group of girlfriends gets together to celebrate one of their birthdays, then splitting the check and paying for the birthday girl is expected.

If the birthday girl or spouse sends out invitations to a bunch of couples to celebrate her birthday, then it is expected that they -- the person on the invite-- is paying. That's what it means to be a host.