I would DEFINITELY bring it up if it were my 19 yr old DS (I assume he's 18-22; if he were post-college, I'd leave it be). I'd treat it delicately as with all dating issues -- or have dad discuss it, if that's who discusses dating things with him.

You don't have to frame it as -- your GF is using you. But as a parent, I do think it's up to you to figure out where this $$ is coming from. If it's because he's signed up for free credit cards all over campus or is taking out more student loans than needed, there needs to be a strong talking to and discussion re credit. At that point it's not about the girlfriend, it's about whether he understands 22% interest rates for CCs and how long student debt takes to pay off; and how if he needs to accrue more debt for grad school later, he wants to keep undergrad debt in check.

If he's using the $9/hr he's earning at the campus bookstore or using discretionary spending money you're giving him -- that's his right -- but I'd say something gently. I'd talk to him about how men are traditionally expected to treat -- but that applies more to men who are out of school and earning a paycheck -- but as students, it's also fine to treat sometimes/expect the gf to pay/split the bill/go to more student type places. He may have the "traditional" view of dating that it's ALWAYS on the guy -- and frankly the gf just may never have corrected him/offered bc she figured he could afford it/his parents give him a lot of spending money etc.

As students, I recall a LOT of dating couples who were simply together all the time but not spending a ton of money. They'd go to school sporting events/performing arts things -- which are often free or nominal -- and eating together in cafeteria. Frankly it's possible that he's gotten in too deep -- starting treating day 1 and now doesn't know how to stop. But he can phase it out easily with planning some free dates or -- oh lets grab food on the meal plan/grab some sandwiches this time as I haven't gotten paid yet. If she wants to, she'll get the hint once he does that 2-3x.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think DS's girlfriend might be using him, not sure if I should say anything or what I should say. They are in college. He pays for everything. From expensive dinners to coffee at Starbucks. They are going on Spring Break together and I am pretty sure he is footing the bill for the trip. Not sure at this age on his summer income that this appropriate.

Same issue with my son and I resolved this issue very quickly. I hired a college female escort and asked her to pretend to date my son without him knowing. She is much prettier than the GF he had at the time. They hung out for about three weeks and she paid for half the date every time they went out and taught him that any girls expecting the date to be paid was just using him unless the girl is serious with him. He learned a valuable lesson. Worth the money I spent.

You have some major (and majorly eff'd up) control issues. This is an unbelievably twisted view of relationships and way of handling the situation. Get some help.

Np. Just thought I would mention that DD's BF rarely lets her pay for anything, despite the fact that she's offered numerous times. She maybe is able to do so about 10-20 percent of the time.

Do you have access to his accounts? Can you see how much and how often he is spending money? I would certainly comment on his spending habits and ask why he feels responsible for buying food for her? He is in college--who goes to $$ restaurants?

OP, I disagree with everyone else. I don't care that it's his money or that he's in college, I think you should speak to him. I wouldn't say anything about the girlfriend or her using him, but if you're concerned with how he's blowing through money, yes speak up. College kids do a lot of dumb crap, sure, but if you're talking about something important like money/credit/spending habits - why sit back and say "welp, their lesson to learn". That's just dumb. He may not change anything but at least you know that you tried.

When I was in college I had a job but was also opening up credit cards and spending on stupid stuff like jewelry and expensive clothes. When my parents caught wind they had a talk with me about how I was entering dangerous territory and that I needed to think wisely about any purchases I was making. I knew all this, but there's something about being in college and swiping those credit cards. In any case, I'm glad my parents cared enough to sit me down and talk about it.

She may not necessarily be using him. What do you actually know about her other than your son pays for everything?

I had little money for extras in college because I had to put myself through school. I had a couple of serious college boyfriends who always paid for everything. I never expected them to, but at the same time I couldn't afford to split the bill or pay for things from time to time. They knew that. I also didn't have fancy expectations since it wasn't my money. But they seemed to have no problem paying for ski weekends or concerts or dinner. I wasn't using them, and I didn't "repay" them with favors either. They were great guys, we had a great relationship while it lasted, and I truly loved both of them.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a grown, divorced woman and I prefer splitting the bill/trading who pays/letting the person who is in funds pay a little more. However, if you go on the DCUM Relationship Forum, a majority of women really want to be treated and feel like it's disrespectful or cheap if the guy doesn't pay-it's a thing that many men and women believe in. If you are giving him an allowance, or he is getting loan money back, or he's working to much and his academic are suffering then it seems appropriate for you to get involved. Otherwise, maybe have a conversation about values and money, but it's not really for you to say.

This. And actually I think it evens out because women pay
more for other stuff - clothes, makeup, security related things like taking a taxi rather than the subway late at night.

If a guy pays it just sort of makes you feel cared for.

And I pay plenty and I'm also not into getting lavish gifts. Im a saver and don't like elaborate spending.

Is it his money, or yours? If it's his, it's also his lesson to learn. If it's yours, stop sending as much so that he can't afford to pay and she has to chip in. My oldest son's girlfriend is like this, but he's almost 26, so I keep my mouth shut and stay out of it. It's not my life, or my mistake to learn. It's his. They are getting married soon because they have? a baby on the way, and it's totally up to them to get their spending under control. He's been taught how to budget (his two brothers had no problem learning this), so any mistakes he makes with money are on him and her, not me. Sometimes you have to fall hard to learn a lesson.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think DS's girlfriend might be using him, not sure if I should say anything or what I should say. They are in college. He pays for everything. From expensive dinners to coffee at Starbucks. They are going on Spring Break together and I am pretty sure he is footing the bill for the trip. Not sure at this age on his summer income that this appropriate.

Same issue with my son and I resolved this issue very quickly. I hired a college female escort and asked her to pretend to date my son without him knowing. She is much prettier than the GF he had at the time. They hung out for about three weeks and she paid for half the date every time they went out and taught him that any girls expecting the date to be paid was just using him unless the girl is serious with him. He learned a valuable lesson. Worth the money I spent.

I'm surprised by the replies. First we have no idea how much money this kid is spending on his girlfriend. Second, cmon, it's nice if a boyfriend pays for stuff sometimes, or more than not. I don't think a mom should encourage her son to be cheap. That's not going to serve him well in the dating world or marriage.

And I say this as someone who frequently and happily splits the bill on dates....but it's nice if a guy pays some / more....

I'm a grown, divorced woman and I prefer splitting the bill/trading who pays/letting the person who is in funds pay a little more. However, if you go on the DCUM Relationship Forum, a majority of women really want to be treated and feel like it's disrespectful or cheap if the guy doesn't pay-it's a thing that many men and women believe in. If you are giving him an allowance, or he is getting loan money back, or he's working to much and his academic are suffering then it seems appropriate for you to get involved. Otherwise, maybe have a conversation about values and money, but it's not really for you to say.

Get your mind out of the gutter. These are normal wholesome college kids just planning to go on spring break together. Nothing sleazy about it.

Wonder if he is getting steady sex in return? What woman hasn’t traded gifts for sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think DS's girlfriend might be using him, not sure if I should say anything or what I should say. They are in college. He pays for everything. From expensive dinners to coffee at Starbucks. They are going on Spring Break together and I am pretty sure he is footing the bill for the trip. Not sure at this age on his summer income that this appropriate.

Same issue with my son and I resolved this issue very quickly. I hired a college female escort and asked her to pretend to date my son without him knowing. She is much prettier than the GF he had at the time. They hung out for about three weeks and she paid for half the date every time they went out and taught him that any girls expecting the date to be paid was just using him unless the girl is serious with him. He learned a valuable lesson. Worth the money I spent.

What???

How much?